My Hope

No fears and limitless, MHF 

Sinister

Lately I've been having nightmares. I switch back and forth between two. Both revolve around you. Both deal with the fact that I survived. Both are about no one understanding the pain I have endured. In both dreams, I end up unharmed and alone. Alone yet unharmed.

I know that the holiday season is always tough for me but I couldn't figure it out. Why was I having all those nightmares? Why have I been crying almost everyday? Why have I been losing my breathe with every thought of you? Why have I lost all of my motivation?

12-12-12

Michael, you died March 12, 2010. The 12th has huge significance for me. The first year, I would relive your death on the 12th of every month. Now, I am often hit hard with pain, guilt, and loss on the 12th but not of every month. It often sneaks up on me, leaving me in a state of depression for a week.

I wasn't hit with the reason for my drought of happiness until last night when I finally realized the date. Triple whamming. Subconsciously, I knew. I knew that 12-12-12 was approaching. I prepared myself by building up my walls, shutting off, shutting down, and torturing myself in every way possible. For my life is now a journey, a journey without you.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Love = Life

All my love, all my life

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

Just Love

Michael, when we were both in the water I knew. I knew that we were caught in a rip tide. I knew that I couldn't swim towards you. I knew that I had to swim parallel to shore until I could no longer breathe then have the waves bring me in. I knew that I had to save myself first. I knew that in those moments I could only think of you, love you, wish for the best.

Since you died, my love has grown. For it is my love for you that keeps me alive. It is love that has sustained me. 

And it is the love of another that I crave so desperately. 

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Nearness of You

- Postsecret 

Michael, since you've died I have done everything with a purpose. I have always been strategic and everything that I do, I do for a reason. But when you died, I thought that I survived to live your life. I knew that my life became yours.

Psychological numbing- whether it's self protecting or self destructing, I lost you. I lost you in more ways than one. Struggling to feel you again, a force overtook me. Being near to you became my new dream.

I built up my life around you and those that made me think of you. I put you first. Now, I am not sure where my life ends and yours begins. I don't know if I'm living my dream or yours. Our interconnectedness, though special and precious, is at times overwhelming. I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe that's what happens when you lose your sibling, your twin, your best friend, your soulmate. Maybe I am so wrapped up in trying to feel you that I lost sight of myself, lost sight of my purpose in life. Or maybe all along my purpose, my fate, my destiny is to have a life of struggle.

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Holidays

Thanksgiving has passed and the holiday season is officially underway. Besides the day you died and our birthday- this time of year is the hardest for me. From Halloween until the new year, I find myself in a struggling haze. 

I clam up,

disappear.

There are no words to describe my thoughts and feelings during this time. The need to be alone overwhelms me. I constantly give into this notion and become consumed with depression and self torturing until I fall into a black hole.

No hope of seeing light

No hope of anything.

I don't know how or why I have survived for this long. I think about everyone else who has faced tragedy and wonder how they survived. Is there some secret that I'm missing? Is this my fate? Will my life always be like this? Will the good always be plagued with the bad? Will I always feel guilty? Will I ever find someone who will understand and appreciate this part of my life? But most importantly, will I ever forgive myself? 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Divided Life

Part one and part two. Before death and after death. Old me and new me. 

Always divided. 

Michael, this is my life. This will always be my life. Comparing, torturing, and anxiously anticipating the future while wondering what life would be like if you had survived. 

......No fears and limitless, MHF

Certain Kind of Darkness

Michael, nothing pisses me off more when people complain. It's such a selfish act and selfishness is one trait that I absolutely cannot stand. Maybe it's because I am always putting others before me, maybe it's because we were raised in such a giving home, maybe it's because there is so much more to life than one horrible mistake. Either way, this is one trait that will make me stray, for it is against my morals to surround myself with selfish people.

One trait that I have been blessed with is my compassion and empathy. I love other people. One way I show this love is by helping and listening. I am a constant, a rock. I am someone that others come to when they need comforting. This is where my blessing becomes a curse. For it is in these moments where I truly understand the depth of a person.

After you died Michael, I became a selfish person. For I knew that instead of going on with my life, I had to move back to Michigan and face the end of yours. For me there was no other way, no other choice. I had to deal with the fact that you died and I survived. With this selfishness came zero compassion. For how can one think their life is over because they cheated on a test, had a bad first date, overdrew their bank account?!

With my zero compassion came a tolerance. I understand that others aren't as deep as I am. They haven't experienced a full life that I already have at the age of 23. They have not had to witness the trauma and tragedy that I have. Without these experiences how are they to know that with joy comes sorrow, with darkness comes light, with nightmares come fantasies?

Michael, my world is now darkened. The loss of you has changed me into a person that I don't recognize. But your death has also brought me the stars. For I find myself opening up. My walls are coming down. I feel like for the first time I am experiencing what you experienced. I am turning into you, an honor and wish I thought would never come true. For you are my shining star and are guiding me through the night of life.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Mon ame est francais

Michael, as you know I am a hopeless romantic. My dream of one day having my fairy tale led me down a path of true romance. It led me to learn French for six years. For 1/4th of my life I have learned the ways, culture, and purity of France- only cultivating my love for romance even more. When I see, speak, or hear French my heart starts to race, butterflies form in my stomach, giddiness and excitement overcome me.

However, my love for French grew even more after you died. For in the French language, they place emphasis on the verb, they stress the indirect object, they know that every part of a sentence is connected to the other.

Michael, you are missing from me. This huge part of my heart, my spirit, my being is gone. I feel so torn, so shattered, so beat up? What do you do when a piece of your soul is missing? The French embrace it, romance it, and make art from it. French is me in a language.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Forever is Never Enough

-Story People

Michael, forever would not have been enough time with you. Our time was too short...how did that happen? Why was that our fate? I will never know.

What I do know is that it is an honor to be your sister, your twin, your best friend. You have touched my soul in so many ways. I only wish that I could have told you that before you died. My hope is that you felt it, that you felt our deep connection and knew that we were two peas in a pod, a package of two. 

I know that I will always wish you were here by my side, that you should be living this life and not me, but you did survive. You survived through me. For I can only stay negative for so long, my strength- our strength shines through and I am reminded of the beautiful person you were and that you would have become. 

Every now and then I let myself glance back over our life and shared memories and momentarily feel a glimmer of hope. For knowing you, even though it was for only a short time, was enough. Enough to make me feel loved and treasured for the rest of my life. 

I still wish you were here but life has been more fair because I had you for twenty years. How lucky was that?!

-Story People

......No fears and limitless, MHF 

In Love

I have lost my passion. The light in my eyes has died. The warmth in my soul has left me. I am lost, lost without you.

Everything that I stood for, everything that was me is gone. Trying to figure out my life is hard even harder without you. Some days I look for someone to rescue me, other days I don't want to be rescued. Secretly, there is only one person who can truly help. But the question remains, will I ever feel like rescuing myself? Or will my life forever be drowned with the burden of surviving, of making the wrong choice?

There is only one thing that is truly saving me. For I am in love. In love with the passion, light, and warmth of other people.

Everyone I met has touched my soul and it excites me to see where they'll go. For every time that I see other's passions it reminds me of your contagious smile. That smile is worth it. Worth it for me to live out your passion, Michael. Worth it for me to find mine. Worth it for me to touch one other person.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Infinite

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower -

Michael, there have been two times in my life where I felt infinite. Both were with you. Both ended in tears strained with heartache and goodbye. The last time being more permanent. As the last time was the day you died, the day I survived.

Infinity, feelings of being limitless, overcame me Halloween 2009. The date of Liz and Victor's wedding, for that weekend I felt on top of the world. I felt like I could conquer anything. I could with you by my side.

When you died three holidays were heavily marked with the absence of you: our birthday, Christmas, and Halloween. For the past two years I refused to celebrate. In fact, I never want to celebrate these holidays again. Just one small way for me to never forget the sacrifice you made and the selfishness that overcame me in the water.

This whole notion of torturing myself has taken on a new form. I made plans for this Halloween, plans to escape to a whole new world: Santiago, Chile. I leave the 31st, a date marked with feelings of happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, love and pain. A subconscious way for me to move on yet moving on with reluctance as the excitement of going to Chile is plagued with the haunting memory of you.

Maybe I'll find you and my infinity self in Santiago...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Memories

Michael, the day you died marked the day I lost everything. March 12, 2010 marks the day of my new life. A life that left me lost, a life that left me knowing nothing not even myself, a life that hid all my memories except one: you're body lying hard as a rock on the beach. 

I don't want to remember because then everything will seem too real. I'm afraid of my tears, afraid of what I will discover, afraid to actually live the promise I made to you. 

Forgetting isn't easy. It's something that I didn't want to happen but it's my defense. My defense mechanism to keep all my memories locked away. For if they stay locked away then you'll be locked away in my heart and mind. That way, you'll always be mine and I'll always be yours. 

But my unknown decision came with a price. A price that hurts me more and more everyday. For, Michael, I can't feel you, can't feel your presence in my life, can't even feel you in my heart. 

For me, the war is over. It's decided. For now, I forget and await the day that I start remembering.

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

Night

Michael, do you remember when we were both afraid of the dark? After we turned off the lights in the kitchen, we would both run upstairs, sometimes tripping each other, as to try and escape any witch, robber, or ax murderer that could be downstairs. Silly and juvenile but up until your death, I still did it. For me, the dark represented my fears and my fears represented my vulnerabilities and my vulnerabilities represented the unknown.

As you know, my biggest fear came true. The dark no longer intimidates me. In fact, I crave darkness. That's partially the reason why I didn't sleep for the first year after you died. I knew that if you were to come to me, it would be at the darkest hour of night, for nighttime makes everything more real...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Time

Time is a phenomenon that intrigues, interests, and scares me.

Who can up with the idea of time? Why were they so inclined to define life in terms of seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, and years? 

Time is relative and unknown. It is merely a convention of conversation and thought, a way to explain days and nights, a way to settle the human instinct of needing to know everything. It is a way for us to control...for life is defined by time. 

I didn't realize how intertwined time and life were until the hours of your death, Michael. In fact, those last few hours with you seemed like seconds yet when I was in the hospital waiting to hear the news about you, it seemed like years. For in those moments, time stopped. 

Around 5pm

Around 6:15pm, there were no sirens.

Around 6:25pm, they didn't let me into the ambulance.

Around 5:30pm, we shouldn't have gone to the beach.

Around 7:20pm, I should have asked them more. Told, insisted, pushed them to do more.

Around 6:10pm, I should have been the one to do CPR.

Around 5:40pm, we shouldn't have dipped our feet in the ocean.

Around 5:42pm, I should have yelled “swim parallel to shore” instead of “help.”

Around 6:35pm, I should have insisted that I stay by dad's side.

Around 7:12pm, I shouldn't have apologized for screaming.

Around 5:00pm, it shouldn't have stopped raining.

Around 8:00pm, they never asked about me and they knew, they knew, I was in the grips of the rip tide with you.

Around 5:50pm, I should have swum toward you.

Around 6:00pm, desperately willing to sacrifice my life for you, I stopped struggling… only to wash ashore.

Around 7:10pm, I should have been there when they told dad.

Around 6:35pm, they left me wet, shivering, in the waiting room alone while they pumped water out and air in.

Around 6:25pm, I should have forced myself into the ambulance.

Around 7:11pm, seconds after hearing I was twinless, they told me you could have lived as “a vegetable in a coma.” 

Around 6:10pm, I shouldn't have pleaded with God, my breath merely wasted.

Around 6:05pm, I should have been right by your side holding your hand, never letting go.

At 7:09pm, I should have died instead of you.

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

Signs

Michael, do you believe in signs? I am not sure that I do yet at the same time I find myself finding signs everywhere.

Last week, I told you that everything in my life was up in the air. Sounding positive, I was actually beyond scared but I knew that if my world crumbled, eventually everything would piece back together. Deep down, I knew that my world couldn't come crashing down for that had already happened once. Yet, not being so young and naive, I knew that I could have lost everything for who truly knows where life is going to take you. Luckily and unexpectedly my life started a new path. Happy and confused, I was very exited to start this new turn in my life.

But you know me, I can only be happy for so long. Friday afternoon rolled around and I began over analyzing everything. I thought back on the last four days and turned all the positives into negatives. For my new path now seemed overwhelming. I started to feel lost and doubted my purpose in life.

This new anxiety led me to a Chinese restaurant on Saturday afternoon. Feeling disappointed and frustrated, I tried to enjoy living in the moment. I was not successful. Then my fortune cookie came. Usually either getting the same fortune or a cliche proverb, I wasn't expecting anything. Turns out I was wrong.

"Friendship is love with understanding". I couldn't help but smile and feel as if this was a sign. A sign saying that my life is turning out exactly how it should be. A sign indicating that my week was in fact positive. A sign from you Michael, saying that you are with me even if I don't always feel you.

Before you died, I did not believe in signs or fate for that matter. I couldn't see the point in finding little pleasures in everyday simple objects or things. In fact, deep down, I would judge those who did, thinking that they were silly. Since you have died my perception has changed. I am a firm believer in fate thus picking up on hints and signs that surround me. Have they always been there? Are my eyes just open now? Is it your spirits way of letting me know that you're with me? Whatever it is, every now and then, a sign slaps me in the face and I can't help but think of you and the life we shared together.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Everything happens for a Reason (mostly)

I am learning what it is like to go with the flow. This has been a 23 year long process and, Michael, one of the lessons I have learned from your death. 

I honestly never thought I would say those words, for no lessons should have been learned from your death because you shouldn't be dead. You should still be alive; however, it happened. My worst nightmare came true, three times. For you not only died before me but I watched you die and when I was in the water, almost dead myself, I made the wrong choice. How stupid was I? 

People often tell me that we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. All of my friends from that fateful day believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that almost everything happens for a reason. What was the reason that you died and not me? What was the reason the sun shined and the rain stopped for those two hours? What was the reason that you died and no one else? What was the reason that anyone had to die? 

There was no reason.

But since your death, I have learned that there is very little that I can control. Up until recently, I still tried to pretend that I could control life...I am now giving into this whole idea of going with the flow. For in this mindset, the notion of "everything happens for a reason" is the basis. 

I must admit that it is exciting to actually live in the moment as appose to constantly thinking about the future. I feel as if for the first time in my life, I am in the here and now. I am not even scared for what the future holds, I am no longer fearful just curious, excited, and ready for the journey called life. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

I've loved and I've lost

There are three characteristics I posses that truly define me. I am loyal to a fault, I have endless love and devotion, and I have incredible strength. These three qualities, intertwined and tangled together, compose my soul. Each of these strengths runs so deep within me that it oftentimes leaves others surprised and overwhelmed but those who truly know me aren't surprised at all. For they know that my soul purpose in life is to

However, despite these being my strengths, they are also my biggest weaknesses. Who would have thought that?

I, unfortunately, have learned the restriction of my love despite it being such a powerful force of nature. For when we were in the water struggling, it was my love for you that gave me the strength to give up. I sacrificed my life for you...only to end up on shore alive, alone, and twinless. 

In the midst of my heartbreak and grieving, I learned to love another. Both being through traumatic circumstances, we leaned on each other. Then the ultimate test came. He left for a year long deployment in Afghanistan. Knowing full well what could happen, I thought that my love could surpass all the hardships...and once again, my love fell short.

My biggest strength failed me.

But it is my strength that keeps me from crumbling and cracking. Its as if I am made of diamond, the strongest mineral in the world, for nothing seems to break me. All I can do is keep moving forward and remember that

No fears and limitless, MHF

The World is a Beautiful Place

In the next four days, my life will drastically change. Everything that I have worked for since you died is being put to the test. How did I let myself do this? Most importantly, why did I do this to myself?

In the next four days, I could be heartbroken all over again. This time with no purpose or reason to pick up the remaining pieces.

In the next four days, I may not have a job anymore. Do I have another one lined up? No. Am I scared? Yes but maybe not as scared as I should be.

In the next four days, I will be thinking about you constantly. What if you were here to help me pick up the pieces? Would my fall seem as hard if you were still by my side?

In the next four days, my world could come crashing down. Why do I always crave you when things go wrong?
...Because the last time my world came crashing down it was because you died. You died, leaving me here, and I somehow survived. But for what purpose? To live out both of our dreams? Quiet honestly, my dream is to always be by your side. So in fact, I have failed.

But you see, I cannot be negative for long. For when I get into my dark place, I picture your smile and everything makes a little more sense. I still miss you with all my heart and soul but your smile, in essence my smile, gives me goosebumps and I know that you are still by my side.

Losing you will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. You are the love of my life yet with this deep of love also comes pain, making room for even more love in the end. My purpose is to love this beautiful world and life. You taught me that...

In the next four days, my life may not be as I pictured it but, Michael, I carry you into the future and know that eventually everything will be okay.

No fears and limitless, MHF

2.5 years of rain

When it rains, it pours and in my world it has been a non-stop rain shower. 

The day that you died, it poured. Those thirty minutes of sunshine were tantalizing, taunting, and beckoning us. Who would have thought that the sun could be so evil, so burning, so deceiving. 

The first year I was in shock. Not truly knowing what had happened yet protecting myself from the nightmare that was to begin- the grief, healing, and understanding that you, my twin, left me alone on this earth. Terrified and fending for myself, I realize that although your struggle is over, mine is just beginning. The first year is over, my protection is done. This second year commemorates my anger, hurt, and depression all combining into self torture and my one liner: "I should have died". 

Through this grieving cycle I only hope to come out stronger, more like you and wiser but most importantly, I know that I will come out a shaped person, living your dreams along with mine. We are now one.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Easier said (or written) than done

It has taken me six months.

A whole half year has gone by but now I am finally ready to break my silence. The promise I made to you did not die, for each and every day I have thought more and more about you. Every day I find a little piece of myself and in essence I find you. I have learned that you are still so much apart of me. Deep down I always know you will be...once a twin always a twin, right?!

But that connection, the one that I crave, also haunts me. For my life is burdened by sadness. I have come to terms with that fact. I can never be happy without drifting back to that fateful day when I truly was my happiest. I can never be happy because you will never be at my side, a thought and fact that I feel as if I will never understand or accept.

Every day is a battle filled with mixed emotions and regret. For I am still not the person you would have wanted me to become. I have failed you but know that every second is a little victory for it means that I have survived one second longer than I anticipated. Still as lost as ever but always and faithfully yours...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Strong as Steel

For some reason, I

despite my desire and need to. It has been just a few days past the two year anniversary of your death. I do not view it as you leaving me. I view it as me being selfish. 

Approaching this two year mark, I promised myself that the day after the 12th I would start to fully change into the person you would have wanted me to become...I am changing into the person that I want to be. 

Your death left me with a new perspective on life 

and love. Some say that something major has to happen in order to open others eyes and push them toward their dreams. You knew that I have always wanted love. You knew that my dream job was (is) to become a wife and stay-at-home mom. When you died, I knew that I had to stop playing around and start to look for my husband. I knew that I needed to find that perfect love. 

But I have been avoiding something- you. I have talked about you only ten times. That is changing. For in order for me to become the best person, the best wife, the best mother...I have to talk about you and how much my life is not the same since you left this earth. This thought, scaring me up until this point, is now giving me courage. I know that I can create a new normal with you living through me. The love that you had for me will never die, just like my love won't. You provided me with protection. 

And, just like you were the bravest of the two of us, I am becoming more and more brave. Your daring and determined nature was restored in me. I can now say that I will 

thank you for this wonderful gift.