Connection

For most, the holiday season is a time of looking back and reflecting on the past year and lifetime. But for me, my yearly reflection always happens around this time.

Just like reflections, feelings of love and loss resurrect around the holiday season. And like my reflections, my love and loss are peaked around this time.

With these reflections, love, and loss comes connection - an aspect of my life that I have truly treasured. Connections, true connections are rare. And once you find another whose soul speaks to yours, the loss can be quite devastating.

While I know that life happens and people move in and out, it is my sensitive soul that makes that loss almost too much to bare. Even though, when reunited my soul is happily contented, I'm never fully prepared for the goodbye and subsequent loss.

Michael, it is in the past six months that the memories of love, loss, and connection have overwhelmed me. With feelings of loneliness, dread, and heartache, it was in those six months that I wasn't sure if there was going to be any more light in my darkened world. Then this month happened. While reflecting on the wonderful life that I have lived filled with amazing memories, it was in the past few weeks that loved ones from my past resurrected. While I am unsure if subconsciously they knew this time was tough for me or if it was an act of fate, I can honestly say that I have never felt so loved.

For when I gave up in the water Michael, I lost you. When I gave up on finding my light, I found ones whose souls speak to mine.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Finding You through My Loneliness

"I tell him that 'I'm still here.'"

But Michael, I am still trying to find you.

With less than a month to the fifth anniversary of your death, I made it back to the cemetery. And as I stood there in the snow, it hit me. While friends and family give comfort with thoughts of still being there for you, I am consumed with trying to find you.

From Michigan to Florida, all I want is to find you, the you that is in me. And while I have grown to love Florida and the experiences that have shaped my life here, I'm just lonely. This unwavering love of mine is plagued with loneliness.

The feelings of being near to you at your grave and in Rochester led me to wander into a story called Wanderlust. While there, the song that we played at your funeral suddenly turned on. Not having heard it since that fateful day, I was awestruck. I don't believe in signs but that coincidence was just too great.

While I sit here back in Florida with tears in my eyes, I am realizing that somehow that was you. But if it was, what were you trying to tell me? Was it a sign that you are in fact always with me? Was it a sign that was meant to give me hope? Was it a sign to help wash away my wandering? Whichever it may be, I am learning to find you through my loneliness.

I guess, I'm still trying to find myself too.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Mysterious Ways

"I'm thinking about how people fall in love in mysterious ways" 

- Ed Sheeran

Blue eyes

Soothing comforts

Sweet cuddles

Intertwined souls

Bravery

Patience

Kisses

Chivalrous 

Selflessness

Understanding

Reliance

Adventuresome

Caring ways

Helpful demeanor

Gentle soul

Thoughtful nature

Every love that I have felt, while they all have been different, have shaped the way that I love and want to be loved. And with these loves, while they will be lost, they all have deepened my soul.

With mere days to February 14th, love has been on my mind a little bit more than it usually is. While I am anxiously awaiting for my soul mate to walk into my life, it is through my other loves that I am learning to be patient. For with each of them, I stumbled into an unexpected love affair and it is with the serendipitous feelings and mysterious ways that will always make me truly treasure these moments of love. 

No fears and limitless, MHF