To Risk Oneself

Michael, on the day you died, in those fourteen hours before, I never felt more alive, more curious about life, more spontaneous, more you. The wonder and feelings I so desperately wanted to feel came to me in copious amounts, washing away all my insecurities. You believed in me thus making me believe in myself- something that I had been looking for through all those years of running on eggshells. In that day, I never felt more complete. 

Than you died, lathering me up with more troubles than I knew were possible. Depriving me of everything that I wanted and deserved to feel, leaving me lost, empty, and knowing nothing. 

Having to fend for myself, for the memory of you, I am unsure if this belief in myself will resurface. If it does, I am in for a long road ahead of me. A road that I need to travel alone, a road that you would have wanted me to travel, a road that will end in my dreams coming true. 

Until then...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Abandonment

To relinquish. To never be in control. To withdraw, desert, give up. 

Our lives have been filled with abandonment. Each time we left mom for dad, each time we left dad for mom. Each goodbye plagued with loss, change, and ceasing normalcy. Each visit representing a new beginning, a new relationship, and a new memory. Each emotion evoking opposites, twinged with complications, and learning that joy and sorrow are in itself embedded within one another. 

Every shift, every change, every relationship, even the simplest, resurrects this notion of abandonment - making nothing easy. Revisiting the years and years of tears, joy, sorrow, and goodbyes burdens each and every one of my decisions. Unapproachable, reserved, and closed off plague my being as my defense builds upon itself. Without warning or control, my walls close with no barge strong enough to crack them, making it nearly impossible to open up to the ones that I so desperately want to be vulnerable with. 

Fearful of abandonment, I've come to realize that my fear has already come true. Even being so connected to you, Michael, I knew that one day you would abandon me. It's not your early and untimely death, I am talking about me. I have abandoned myself, let myself down in so many ways that I am unsure if I will ever recover, ever forgive, ever be truly happy.

I fear that I have lost me and in essence the you that lives in me.

...

No fears and limitless, MHF