Fighting Chance

No one has ever fought for me. 

Am I not worthy? 

Am I really that stern when I tell people to leave me alone? 

  I am always fighting for others. It's a constant battle but worth it. For I know what it's like to have people give up on you. For someone to be truly alone. 

Is it too much to ask for someone to fight for me?

......

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Magic

Michael, there have been two moments in my life where magic happened.

The day you died marks the first magical day. Those fourteen hours I had with you in Florida were the most special hours of my life. Words cannot describe my feelings. For that day I felt on top of the world. Thinking back, I get chills knowing how happy you made me. I didn't think I could be any happier until we went to the beach. I remember hugging you, knowing that my life was absolutely perfect. I was breathless and in heaven picturing our future together.

We know how that magical day ended.

The second day where I saw magic happen was actually yesterday. For I discovered where my heart lies. Besides our last day together, Michael, I don't remember ever being this happy, free, overjoyed, and at peace. Even though everything in my life is up in the air, out of my control, I know where I will end up.

Magically, both days ended with me in tears. Tears of heartbreak, devastation, shock. Tears of happiness, joy, excitement.

-

I inadvertently let myself have moments of bliss. To be perfectly honest, Michael, it was magically wonderful and I await the next time where I let these moments slip past the torture.

No fears and limitless, MHF 

The Best Way to be Sad

I don't know why these past few days have become my darkest. I thought that after almost three years of losing you, my days would become brighter. I seem to not have reached rock bottom yet. My darkest days are still to come.

My days are filled with sadness  I am scared, struggling, stranded without you, Michael. I am not me but some lost puppy waiting for the right person to come along and help me with my grief. But what if that person never comes?

What if the person I am waiting for is myself? How am I to overcome my self torture, self pity, self destructiveness? I fear that I will never. I am destitute to always be sad, scared, struggling, stranded. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Alone and Lost

Until your death, I didn't realize how alone I truly was. Or maybe I did but our connection was so strong that it didn't matter. As long as I had you, it didn't matter who else was in my life. Now that you are gone, Michael, I realized the relationships I was in. They were toxic. I discovered that I am the one helping, saving, and encouraging. But where's my help? My savior? My encouragement?

When you died, I snapped. I gave up some toxic relationships but not all. I thought that your death woke me up. It did in some ways but now I am reverting back to my old ways. I am giving in to my need to help, save, and encourage. But this time it's different. It's not as fulfilling. In fact, it makes me so incredibly lonely. More lonely than I've ever been before.

But I don't know how to stop. I don't think I will find anyone who is like me. I am destined to always be deeper than everyone. 

Knowing this makes it hard. I feel as if I can't open up, unleash my feelings, show my true colors for fear that no one can handle it. I am convinced that I am alone thus making me a different person than who I am in my core.

Michael, all I truly want is for someone to recognize that even though I may be hard on others, hard on myself, and hard to love. I need it the most. For I truly believe that love conquers all.

I just need the right person to come along, push me into letting them in, and show me that I'm not alone. Show me that there is another out there who is as deep as I am.

Until that day...

No fears and limitless, MHF

The End

Michael, I can't stop thinking about the day you died. Besides the way this whole horrible nightmare happened, I realized why your death is so hard to accept. Why I push the images and memories away. Why I am still so upset at Shrek and the hospital.

When the nurse deliberately told Dad you died first while he was alone- that was strike one. When the nurse left him alone, sobbing- that was strike two. When the nurse followed up the news of your death with "he could have lived as a vegetable in a coma"- that was strike three. My final straw.

Almost three years later those words still haunt me. I know that you were dead on the beach. I knew that I had lost you to the ocean. And even though you would not have been breathing on your own, tied up to one too many machines, you would have been living. We would have gotten to say goodbye. Mom, Dad, and I could have been the ones to pull the plug, the three of us, as one family. 

This whole notion that you could have been in a coma haunts me, will always haunt me. It not only signifies our goodbye, the fact that you could have lived longer, but it also tells me that the hospital didn't do everything in their power, they just didn't do enough. But then I have to ask myself, regardless of the way they delivered the devastating news, would I have ever thought that they did enough? 

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Ring

For our birthday the year you died, mom gave me a ring. This ring sparkled like your eyes, had a depth like your soul, and was your favorite shade of green. I never took this ring off. In fact, one could almost describe me as protective, obsessive over it. For me this was more than just a ring. It represented my journey without you, my new beginning, me carrying you on with me.

This ring was you.

December 22, 2012. The day that I took the ring off and never put it back on.

My therapist says it's a good sign. That it means I am finally starting to feel you in me. I know otherwise. I'm not wearing it to purposely forget about you. For my memories are still just of our darkest hours together. And those memories aren't worth the good ones we had.

I tell myself that I am doing this to be strong when I know that I'm weak. I'm running away, knowing that eventually everything will catch up to me. I'm keeping my guard up, knowing that I'll drive away all those that I love.

I'm doing this because everything else is just too hard, too painful. I'm doing this because, right now, this is all I know. 

I know nothing else. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Silence the Torture

I made it. I made it another year. I made it to 2013. 

Michael, I have been reflecting on this last year. Some goals, dreams, and wishes of mine came true while others faded, got lost, purposing didn't happen. 

Goals, dreams, and wishes that came true:

1. I finished a semester of graduate school

2. I got an internship at Chrysler working for the Dodge Brand

3. I discovered that I could love another person

4. I'm becoming more open, more vulnerable, more you

Goals, dreams, and wishes that didn't come true:

1. Professionally, I entered into a career that doesn't fit. I did it because of you Michael. I am following your dreams

2. My love came at the wrong time. My heart is just getting crushed and trampled upon while I wait for Mr. Right to realize that he's my Mr. Right. I don't wait for anyone

3. I still am not opening up about you. I still don't remember much about life before, just about the day that you died

4. I still torture myself daily

This year, I know what I have to do. I've always known yet it is just easier to sit and torture myself. It's easier to not move on with my life. It's easier to give up then to trek on. I wish I could be stronger, Michael. I wish time stood still. Because as each year, month, day passes by, I shut down more and more. For I know that, unfortunately, I won't talk about you until it's too late. I'm beyond saving...

No fears and limitless, MHF