Goodbye In My Eyes

Recently, I have had to say goodbye. While I had not known this person for a long time, our connection was rare and deep. As my hour long car ride was filled with tears running down my check, it was in that moment that I knew. I knew that if we had had our goodbye, I wouldn't have survived.

For years, all I have wanted was one simple goodbye. But we both know that our goodbye would not have been simple. With our history, our connection, our love, there has never been anything simple about us. And while I have felt robbed by you, by our lack of goodbye, I have come to realize that maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

For if I had been granted my wish, I would have been greedy and wanted more. For if I had been granted our goodbye, I would not have known what to say. For if we had said goodbye, the silence remaining between us would have killed me even more than your sudden vanishing act.

These past few years have been plagued with this notion as those lonesome, depressed nights were almost too intense to bear. And it is through my wondering, wandering, and that hour long car ride filled with sad love songs that I am filled with hope. With the hope that I have been spared from another hardship that I would have had to overcome. While there will always be times of heartache, pain, and wishing, our lack of goodbye has, in fact, saved me.

It is on this cold Florida night, with a heavy heart and goodbye in my eyes, that I bid you adieu. Goodbye my soul mate...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Powerless

On the eve of the beginning of the end of the holiday season, on the eve when I am supposed to travel to celebrate Grandma's 90th birthday, on the eve of a night that should have been filled with happiness, I find myself wretched with the awful notion that I am powerless. I am powerless to it all, Michael.

After you died, it hit me that there is very little that I can control. A fact, that although we created a controlled life despite the out-of-control situations our parents put us in, was just a fantasy and a way of trying to make sense of all the madness. Losing this ability to control, while a difficult task, was not as hard as it should have been because I realized that I still had power: The power of our love, my love. And with my love came an enchanting force that people wanted to be around. A power, while not used for evil, was a force that help guided loved ones back to me. This force, my power, my love is no longer.

Waking up from yet another dream where I lost you Michael, waking up from an email saying that Grandma's birthday is canceled and she won't be in town, waking up and realizing that my conqueror is no longer mine, all I could do was cry. There was nothing to say, nothing to think, nothing to feel but loss.

While my power came with my love, it also came with my vulnerabilities, an aspect that I only show those that I love the most. And while,

I cannot be vulnerable anymore. My heart has been ripped open and stamped on far too many times. And while life is never what it should be, I never thought that my life would be filled with this much hatred, powerlessness, and loss.  

For those that I love the most, you Michael, Grandma, and my conqueror I have come to realize that I will never see again. And while I have loved and lost due to circumstances out of my control, that doesn't soften the blow. It just makes it that much harder for me to realize that my influence, my power, my love is in fact not strong at all. It is a fleeting force.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Another First

And here it goes, Michael. I am spending the holiday season with no distractions. The first since you died.

Subconsciously, I have been preparing for this holiday season since June. Plagued with a loneliness so intense, it has been hard to breathe some days. With wandering thoughts of when this depressive, lonely state will vanish it strikes me that it will be this way for a long time. While there feels as if there is no light to be found in my darkened world, I still hold on to hope that one day the light will be there.

It is with this hope that one day, I will start to feel you, really feel you. As with this depth of loneliness, I crave for a connection, our connection. And with each passing day, my longing for you, for us deepens. I am honestly not sure how long this will last, how long I will last.

And while I struggle to find the you that is in me, I can't help but wish that someone, any one, will come to my rescue. But will that really help me? Will I ever find someone who understands my depth? Will I ever find someone who completes me the way that you did? Will I ever find happiness and peace?

It is with this hope that I wish that my loneliness will wither up and that my love for you will find love in another. It is with belief in you, in us that I know that my loneliness is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless. I believe that this loneliness will heal me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Forever Changed

We were at our childhood home. A mix of family, high school friends, and current co-workers were gathered. A friend came to me. She said that she needed my help burying something. We went out to the back yard. I remember that the ground was so soggy. Soft and soggy. My gut told me that something wasn't right, something was off about that grass. I ignored it.

I started digging in the dirt. It was cold, hard, and sticky. All of a sudden, it hit me. I was sitting in a pile of quicksand. Struggling at first as only my ankles were stuck, I quickly became engulfed within the sand. Screaming for help while my friend went for my rescue, I knew that this might not end well. Right before you came rushing out Michael, my chest grew heavy. The quicksand was quick with its' murderous attempt. Right as I was giving up hope, you came rushing towards me. I reached out to you and pushed as you pulled and tried to release me from the quicksands hold. Our first attempt failed. Then I decided to give up. As you pulled me toward safety, I just laid there, limp as a leaf. It worked. For this time, you saved me from the quicksand.

In my nightmares, it is usually I who saves you Michael. And it is within those nightmares where I fail each and every time. My nights are then consumed with the painful loss all over again. I wake up and feel the heavy burden of living life without you, my soul mate.

In this nightmare, I wasn't scared. In fact, I wouldn't even classify it as a nightmare. I was relatively calm throughout the entire dream. It was only when I saw your face where hope filled me. But that feeling quickly faded. For once I was rescued, I woke up and realized that you in fact hadn't saved me. I hadn't saved you. You are still gone and I am still here.

No Fears and limitless, MHF

To Live is To Lose

As I embark on a once in a lifetime adventure, I can't help but pause and think about you. What adventure do you have in front of you? What adventure did we have in front of us? If everything went according to plan that fateful day, where would we be? Where would you be? Where would I be?

The thoughts of our future, the future we should have shared together, saddens my heart. Why did life have to turn out like this? Why did I survive? Why did I survive without you?

If you hadn't turned away from me that day, would life have turned out the way that I wanted? If it had would I be as satisfied as I think I would have been? Or am I just imagining that life would have been perfect with you, with us together? 

All I know is that life without you, knowing that you are in a better place without me, is slowly eating away at my soul. Maybe if I hadn't been so caught up in the future, our present would have been so much more magical. Maybe if I hadn't been caught up in the past, I could have lived moment to moment with you. Now, I will never know, 

Once mine, I have now lost you. The memories of our love, our life, our connection pains me. Our future would have been perfect, we would have been perfect. Obviously life had other plans for you, for me, for us. Now, I sit here and ponder what I could have done, what I could have said to ensure that we stayed together forever. 

And as much as I wish I had never known you, as much as I wish that I was crazy in thinking of the connection we shared, I know what we had. While that doesn't make my feelings easier to overcome, at least I know that once upon a time, my soul was happy. And once more my soul will be happy, it just may take a while.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Hatred

A powerful word, powerful feeling, powerful decision.

I never thought that I would feel hatred in my life. Nor would I have ever thought that this feeling would be associated with you. But it happened, Michael.

I hate you.

You left me. You made the wrong decision. You abandoned me. You were selfish. You made me give you my whole heart. You gave me nothing in return.

You make me not want to love another. You make me so frustrated with life. You make me have to endure life alone. You make me feel powerless. 

My hatred for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it hurts. When I think about you, when I think about the life that I should have had with you, when I think about the lonely life that I will lead, my heart physically hurts. Not the hurt you feel after you've been in an argument with a friend. The hurt you feel when your heart breaks. Michael, each and every time that I feel your abandonment, my heart shatters all over again. 

I remember that night like it happened yesterday. Returning from the hospital, I just laid on the couch. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything. The only thing that I willed myself to do was feel my heart break piece by piece. By the end of that night, my heart was shattered. 

Since that fateful day, I have been building myself back up. It hasn't been easy. Some days I feel as if I should give up, but I don't. I keep going for you, for us. I rebuild myself and with each rebuild, I think that I'm getting stronger. But then I hear a song, see a picture, hear your name, think of a memory and I crumble. Throwing myself back to the time you abandoned me, my hatred starts to build. My walls come up and I get sucked into an abyss of self torture. 

Michael, as much as I can harbor my hatred for you we both know that I'm not being entirely honest. I don't hate you. As much as I want to, I could never hate you. I hate me. I hate the way that my life hasn't turned out the way that I want it to. I hate my hate. For my hate isn't hate at all. It's hurt.

You've hurt me like no one has ever hurt me before or ever will. But I can't even be mad at you, for I know why you hurt me. Knowing that doesn't  make my hurt lessen, it makes it worse. For how can I be hurt by someone who gives their life for others? How can I be hurt knowing that I would have done the same thing? How can I be hurt when deep down we are the same person?

And now I realize that my hurt truly isn't hurt. It's love. My love for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it physically hurts. And even though I know that we can never be together, my love for will never cease. You will always have my heart. I am yours forever. 

No fears and limitless, MHF 

I am here, I am all here

Michael, as easy as that sounds it has been a struggle my entire life. I am not entirely sure why I have never allowed myself to truly be in the moment. What I do know is that it took me 20 years to finally reach the point of waiting to feel alive. And as you know that day was the worst day of our life, my life. 

Since that fateful day, I have either lived in the past or tried to control and predict my future. Never truly being present, I put up walls and boundaries so that I would not feel. For what would happen when I truly felt alive again? Who would die this time? What would happen to me? What would happen to us?

Excitement; no one; rejuvenated; nothing - that's what would happen. And how do I know that Michael? This past weekend I lived in the moment, I went with the flow, I truly allowed myself to feel alive.

While this fear of mine has consumed my life, forcing me to into a lonely, depressed state, I should have feared nothing. I should have trusted you, should have trusted me, should have trusted our connection. 

Michael, I am not saying from here on out that my days will be easy, happy, or momentous. I know that I have plenty of dark days a head of me, plenty of days where I will feel alone and depressed, plenty of days where I will long to be with you. But, hopefully, I will conqueror those days with a new vigor. Hopefully, I will remember how truly magical it is to be fully present. Hopefully, I will find many more days where I am filled with your spirit. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Phantom

"When a woman has seen me, as you have, she belongs to me. She loves me forever." - Gaston Leroux, The Phantom of the Opera

My love for you, my conqueror, was grown from an empty, shattered heart. Sneaking up, the moment I looked into your eyes that day, I knew. I knew that my being would be forever changed. For I saw your soul, your depth, your sorrow, your love. What was seen that day, bonded us together. 

Just like the Phantom haunts Christine, you haunt me, always. Trying to break free, trying to find a new love, trying to live my own life is useless, Michael. For I am forever haunted by this love, by this destiny. Just like Christine, I have a phantom. 

However, my phantom isn't pulling me towards a life of love. He pulls me toward the bitterly dark world of unrequited love. This bitterly dark world that leaves me empty and alone. Sealing my fate, that day I looked into your eyes, you had me. You will always have me, Michael. 

The promises whispered to Christine, those that were once whispered to me, are gone. Abandoned, my love, you have abandoned me. Instead of the hatred that I should feel, I am drawn to you. Our love, our bond, our connection overrides all the heartache you have caused. I will truly never live as I have lived before. I will truly never live if you aren't in my life. 

And in the end, Christine has a choice between her Phantom and Raoul. But I don't. Your promises, your power, your love leaves me no choice. I will forever be haunted by you, my phantom.

"If I am the Phantom, it is because man's hatred has made me so. If I am to be saved, it is because your love redeems me" -Gaston Leroux, The Phantom of the Opera

No fears and limitless, MHF

Say Something, Anything

Michael, I don't understand. I don't think I ever will.

They say that everything happens for a reason. That people are brought into your life for a specific purpose. I don't believe them. For if that was the case, why were you brought into my life? Despite all the happy, blissful moments we shared, they are not worth the earth shattering heartbreak that I am faced with. No amount of joy and love is worth this amount of pain. 

They say that heartbreak is part of life. That it makes people stronger and live richer lives. I don't believe them. For if that was the case, you wouldn't have been brought into my life. Despite all the screaming fights and tears, it hasn't made me love any deeper. No amount of anger and pain will make my life richer. 

They say that if you truly love someone, you know when to let them go. That love doesn't always mean that you will end up together. I do believe them. Despite the years we've been together and the memories of our planned future, it is time for me to let go. I'm not letting go because I think that I will start to feel you again. I am letting go because I truly know that you are my soul mate. I am letting go because I can no longer suffer through this tender sacrifice. 

"Say something, I'm giving up on you" 

- Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Broken

"Broken love is the most dangerous love. It will slice you open with every touch" - The Siren, The Original Sinners by Tiffany Reisz

Hauntingly true, I have thought of little else since I stumbled upon this quote. Michael, our lives, my life has been plagued with this notion. And, I think that it always will.

From the day we could remember, our lives have been filled with broken love. Going back and forth between two parents who hated each other yet whose love for us was endless was painfully heartbreaking. Screaming, tears, and not knowing who to trust plagued our childhood. Our parents' love, a true love that I desperately needed, was broken. 

Trying to piece together the love that I so desperately needed and wanted has fueled my life. Michael, as you know, I believe that love is everything. To me, love can conquer all. Despite our parents broken love, it was our love that helped me conquer our childhood. It was our love that was going to help fuel my future. It was our love that always made everything alright. It was our love until another love took over.

This new love, the love that I feel for my captivator rivals ours. Different yet surprisingly similar, the love I feel for him is so powerful, for I know that together we truly can conquer it all. I know that this love is the love that I've been looking for. It is the love that compliments yours, where together I feel whole and complete. However, I am not sure that my conqueror feels the same. Despite the retching heartbreak that occurs every time I think that we won't end up together, it is not this love that scares me.  

Michael, it is the love that we shared that scares me the most. Despite how many broken loves remain broken or are mended in my lifetime, ours will never be as it once was. Our love terrifies me as I have to live the rest of my life knowing that a song, a place, or even a moment in time can rip me open and strip me until I'm rendered speechless and vulnerable. It is this notion that makes living without you almost impossible. Our love once helped me conquer a difficult time in our lives. Our love once made me feel that everything would be alright. But it is our love that will always remain broken.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Not all those who wander...

Michael, there is a famous quote that begins with "not all those who wander...", I'm sure that you know the rest. This famed quote has been on my mind lately. Why do you ask?

Because I find it inspirational.

Because it gives me clarity. 

Because I am a wanderer.

This last fact is hard for me to admit. As you know, Michael, our entire life I have had everything planned and controlled. Everything that I do is strategic, for everything that I do has a purpose. You were the exact opposite. 

When you died, we were both going through transitions. Just ending our junior year of college, we had the world as our oyster. Plagued with questions about our past and future, we were just figuring everything out. We were just babies. 

But everything changed the day you died, the day that I almost died. My planned life was no longer planned. My control ceased to exist. Everything that I knew, including you, was gone. Or so I thought...

Always scared that the uncertainty we had and felt growing up would hinder me, I lost my true self. I got caught up in trying to predict and plan the future that I never truly lived in the moment. It wasn't until the day that you died where I truly let my guard down. That day was the first day where I let my worries and fears fade, for that day was meant for us to spend in bliss.

Ever since that fateful day I thought that I had lost you, lost us, for I was still trying to control everything. It wasn't until a friend recently reminded me: "not all those who wander are lost", where everything clicked. 

I had become a wanderer. 

Scared that my life was leading me down a path that I wanted no part of, I didn't know what to do. After a few days, I received clarity. Michael, I haven't lost you. I haven't lost us. I, in fact, have found you, I have found the you in me. 

Always having a gypsy soul and the need to wander, Michael, you have been my inspiration. I have always fought as hard as I could, not realizing my true destiny. Nowhere near where I thought my life would be, I am learning to embrace the wanderer in me. For I know that all of my dreams will eventually come true. 

But I can rest assured because now, I know that we are wandering together. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

I am Able

Michael, I am in the midst of reading a book quoted as "Not just a book but a spontaneous act of generosity" by the Washington Post. And thus far, it is. It has given my life a deeper meaning and I am only on page forty-four.

This book quotes another, "Dr. Hilde Bruch, in the preface to her book Learning Psychotherapy, states that basically all patients come to the psychiatrists with 'one common problem: the sense of helplessness, the fear and inner conviction of being unable to cope and to change things'" - M. Scott Peck. But that is not why I entered psychotherapy. I entered because I knew I had no other choice. There was no other choice but to become even more connected to you. There was no other choice but to become even stronger than I already was.

As soon as I washed up on shore, I was able. Able to help myself. Able to give into the fear. Able to cope. Able to give into my strength, our strength. And through psychotherapy, I am able to connect to you more.

Strange as it sounds, I am becoming more connected to you, to myself by becoming connected to another. My whole life, as you know, I have been closed off, with you being the only exception. Not wanting to open up, not wanting to show my true self, not wanting to be vulnerable. Only wanting to protect us, only wanting to escape, only wanting to control. But through psychotherapy, I am learning how to embrace freedom, the freedom of my feelings, the freedom of losing you, the freedom of life. 

It is through days where I am supposed to meet with my therapist but we are unable, where I realize the pain of being so interconnected with someone. Scared at first, as you Michael, were the only one that I wanted to be that connected with; now, happy that someone can truly understand what I am going through. But also scared knowing that I won't find many more who share my depth, our depth. 

And as much as I am able, I am still unable to change those things that I wish I could change the most...

No fears and limitless, MHF

A million little Infinities

"...a side effect of dying. Almost everything is, really" - The Fault In Our Stars

This quote entranced me. Probably one that most won't be drawn to. But then again, not everyone has lived though what I've been through, what we've been through.

I first started reading The Fault In Our Stars because I was curious. Curious about why it captivated everyone. Curious because it was about two dying teenagers. Curious as I wanted to see if there were similarities to how I feel. 

Surprising yet not surprising, I didn't cry once. In fact, I was assuming that the side effect of cancer, the side effect of dying, the side effect of this book would leave me awe-inspired. But I was wrong. 

After your death, after my near drowning, nothing compares. I have already lived and survived a fate worse than death. I have my whole life to suffer the consequences, while Hazel and Augustus will feel relief. 

But as Hazel says in the book, "I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful". Michael, I am so grateful.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Devotion

To sorrow

To heartache

To loneliness

To me

To my conqueror 

To you

To selflessness

To loyalty

To devotion

To the 20th

To the holidays

To life

To action

To every day

To love

No fears and limitless, MHF

In the midst of it all

Michael, it has been exactly 1 month. Only 22 days remain.

Being in Florida, I thought that this would be the hardest year. But all I've felt is nothing. And honestly, I am not too surprised.

The past 4 years have brought many ups, downs, highs, and lows. In a million years, I didn't think that this is where I would be. Yet, this is where I am. And this is where I will remain.

You remain with me. Our souls are so interconnected and intertwined that you are a part of me. I've always known this but I am just discovering this fact. A fact that I wouldn't have learned if I had never moved to Florida.

Looking back, I uncovered a quote from my post on February 12, 2013:
"In my third life, after giving up everything, I make the second biggest decision of my life: I move. Florida, being both healing and inspiring, is my destination. Whether or not I get into graduate school, whether or not I find a job, whether or not I find you, I may just find myself. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, and confused, this move is key. I need to find me, find the person that I am to become. For finding myself might lead me to my captivator, finding myself might lead me to finding our twin connection, finding myself might lead me to finding you within me, finding myself just might lead me to the life that is waiting for me, a life filled of sparkle and glitter. "

While not all of this came true, most did. I honestly thought Florida was going to be a mistake. Even in the beginning, I doubted my decision. I am glad that I stayed. For not only am I finding the you within me but I am finding myself - a gift that you have given me.

No fears and fearless, MHF

It's about that time

10 days. 

64 days.

We both know that dreaded day, as do many others. 

We both know that other day, as many don't think of the sorrow that is associated with it. 

But this year is different. This year I am spending it with dad. This year I am in Florida. This year I will be on the beach where it all happened. 

This year will be different. 

...

With the impending loneliness, depression, longing, and dread, I have decided to be selfish. I have decided to challenge myself. I have decided to try 100happydays

Ironically, with yesterday being the beginning, it started on the beach. That same beach where I lost you. The beach where I lost myself. Ironically, it was both therapeutic and torturous. 

#100happydays #Day1 #JupiterBeach #Weekendishere

No fears and limitless, MHF

 

Why

"because you remind me of everything there is in this world to love" 

The Reason Why - Storypeople

As I could have predicted, everything that has happened these past 4 years is hitting me. All at once, Michael, I feel as if I am drowning. I am drowning in my own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Unlike last time, I don't know if I am capable of saving myself.  

I am in desperate need of rescuing. I want you. I need you. This is my plea for you to become my hero. For once you do, I know that all of this mess will feel manageable. I will be able to breathe knowing that you will be by my side, forever and ever. 

But I also know that you are the one who put me in this mess to begin with.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Mrs. Kennedy, Clint Hill, and Me

Michael, I just finished reading the book, Mrs. Kennedy and Me. Written by Clint Hill, the secret service agent that was assigned to protect Mrs. Kennedy - just like from day one, I was assigned to protect you. This fate of ours was something we did not expect but a task that would touch our souls and change our lives forever.

Clint was to protect Mrs. Kennedy from harm and allow her to live her life as normal as possible. They built up a trust and understanding that no one could truly understand. I, being the older one, was to protect you from harm all the while  growing up with you. Our connection is a bond that could not be broken and one that no one could truly understand.

Clint, in his mind, failed when he allowed Mrs. Kennedy to see her husband get shot and die in her arms. I, in my mind, failed when I saved myself from the water but couldn't save you.

...

Mrs. Kennedy was sitting next to her husband as he died. I was standing right next to you, Michael, as we both got caught in the rip tide. I was standing right next to you when you died. Oh god, do I remember seeing your body harden as all the life was drained out of you.

Mrs. Kennedy, from the time her husband was shot, never left his side. I, from the time you were dragged to shore, never wanted to leave your side.

Mrs. Kennedy, wanting to see her husbands body before the casket was closed, spent precious moments with him alone. I, needing to see you before I lost sight of you forever, spent precious moments with you alone, begging you to come back to me.

Mrs. Kennedy kissed her husbands coffin right before it was lowered into the ground. I placed a flower and was the last one to touch your coffin as it was lowered into the ground, sealing my fate that you were truly gone.

...

As the whole world grieved the loss of President John F. Kennedy, Clint Hill and Mrs. Kennedy were stuck in their own world.

As family and friends grieve the loss of you, Michael, I am stuck in my own world, alone.

Mrs. Kennedy, Clint Hill, and Me all have a unique bond. A bond that we wish could be broken but instead a bond that leaves us closer than most.

"The loss is not yours alone, she said & you will see it in their eyes when they do not think you are watching. How long does it take? I said & she put her hand on my chest & we did not speak." - Storypeople

No fears and fearless, MHF

Nightmare

Michael, two nights ago I had a nightmare. It left me wide awake from 4:30 on. Not uncommon that my night was plagued with a nightmare but this time was different. This time, my nightmare was focused on my almost drowning.

...
I was in my bed at my apartment, sleeping with Beau by my side. All of a sudden Beau heard a noise and left, running. I tried to get up but my body was paralyzed. I couldn't move. Despite using all of my strength, I didn't budge. I called for Beau but he never came. Left to fend for myself, I felt powerless and alone. Than, I woke up but it was a dream within a dream. And soon, I woke up in real life. After my heart stopped racing, I knew this nightmare was about me being stuck in the rip tide. What I didn't know was the many layers that this nightmare had, until now.

The dream within a dream represents my actions and decisions in the water. When I first started struggling, I called out for help; my initial reaction for calling to Beau. When it hit me that I knew I was stuck in a rip tide, my swimming parallel to shore until I was too tired to go on, and my decision to give up was me not being able to move in my bed, despite my trying and pleading. Waking up on shore represents me waking up in the dream. Waking up in real life after this nightmare represents me "waking up" and realizing you were dead, losing all hope.

My bed in the dream, the one piece of furniture that I feel safest in, is the ocean- a force of nature that I also once felt safe in. Now, I am scared of both. Beau, my little orange cat, despite never coming to my rescue in the dream, is literally saving me in real life. He has lived up to his name and as silly as this sounds, we have a bond that will truly never be broken, he is the one soul that I can depend on. Besides you Michael, I have never loved a living thing quite as much as I love Beau.

But this nightmare goes deeper. These feelings of powerlessness, loneliness, and not being in control have become themes in my life ever since you left me. Before, I had built up my life around being in control and in power. When you died, I learned that there is absolutely nothing that I have control or power over. My fate is left up to those that I let into my life. My fate is "up in the air".

...
Coming to terms with your death was my initial intent. You, Michael, have always been my center focus, my whole world. I knew that I needed to deal with your death first, before dealing with mine. My soul has an ulterior motive. But it may not all be bad for if I focus on myself now, than I will have even longer to focus on you. So in turn, instead of torturing myself with being selfish, I see the positive.

But, Michael, all is easier said than done. For I am wounded. Wounded by everything and everyone in my life, with no hope that light will bleed out the darkness.

No fears and limitless, MHF