Broken

"Broken love is the most dangerous love. It will slice you open with every touch" - The Siren, The Original Sinners by Tiffany Reisz

Hauntingly true, I have thought of little else since I stumbled upon this quote. Michael, our lives, my life has been plagued with this notion. And, I think that it always will.

From the day we could remember, our lives have been filled with broken love. Going back and forth between two parents who hated each other yet whose love for us was endless was painfully heartbreaking. Screaming, tears, and not knowing who to trust plagued our childhood. Our parents' love, a true love that I desperately needed, was broken. 

Trying to piece together the love that I so desperately needed and wanted has fueled my life. Michael, as you know, I believe that love is everything. To me, love can conquer all. Despite our parents broken love, it was our love that helped me conquer our childhood. It was our love that was going to help fuel my future. It was our love that always made everything alright. It was our love until another love took over.

This new love, the love that I feel for my captivator rivals ours. Different yet surprisingly similar, the love I feel for him is so powerful, for I know that together we truly can conquer it all. I know that this love is the love that I've been looking for. It is the love that compliments yours, where together I feel whole and complete. However, I am not sure that my conqueror feels the same. Despite the retching heartbreak that occurs every time I think that we won't end up together, it is not this love that scares me.  

Michael, it is the love that we shared that scares me the most. Despite how many broken loves remain broken or are mended in my lifetime, ours will never be as it once was. Our love terrifies me as I have to live the rest of my life knowing that a song, a place, or even a moment in time can rip me open and strip me until I'm rendered speechless and vulnerable. It is this notion that makes living without you almost impossible. Our love once helped me conquer a difficult time in our lives. Our love once made me feel that everything would be alright. But it is our love that will always remain broken.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Not all those who wander...

Michael, there is a famous quote that begins with "not all those who wander...", I'm sure that you know the rest. This famed quote has been on my mind lately. Why do you ask?

Because I find it inspirational.

Because it gives me clarity. 

Because I am a wanderer.

This last fact is hard for me to admit. As you know, Michael, our entire life I have had everything planned and controlled. Everything that I do is strategic, for everything that I do has a purpose. You were the exact opposite. 

When you died, we were both going through transitions. Just ending our junior year of college, we had the world as our oyster. Plagued with questions about our past and future, we were just figuring everything out. We were just babies. 

But everything changed the day you died, the day that I almost died. My planned life was no longer planned. My control ceased to exist. Everything that I knew, including you, was gone. Or so I thought...

Always scared that the uncertainty we had and felt growing up would hinder me, I lost my true self. I got caught up in trying to predict and plan the future that I never truly lived in the moment. It wasn't until the day that you died where I truly let my guard down. That day was the first day where I let my worries and fears fade, for that day was meant for us to spend in bliss.

Ever since that fateful day I thought that I had lost you, lost us, for I was still trying to control everything. It wasn't until a friend recently reminded me: "not all those who wander are lost", where everything clicked. 

I had become a wanderer. 

Scared that my life was leading me down a path that I wanted no part of, I didn't know what to do. After a few days, I received clarity. Michael, I haven't lost you. I haven't lost us. I, in fact, have found you, I have found the you in me. 

Always having a gypsy soul and the need to wander, Michael, you have been my inspiration. I have always fought as hard as I could, not realizing my true destiny. Nowhere near where I thought my life would be, I am learning to embrace the wanderer in me. For I know that all of my dreams will eventually come true. 

But I can rest assured because now, I know that we are wandering together. 

No fears and limitless, MHF