"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"
- Need You Now, Lady Antebellum
Michael, this song was once dedicated to you. In fact, I know I've written to you in my dark days about this song. For it encapsulates the love that I have for you and our connection. I don't know how many times I've thought to myself that "I need Michael now", and I know that I will have many more of those moments. I know that I will have them until the day that I die.
But something has changed,
On my drive home tonight, that song turned on the radio. And while it affected me, it didn't affect me like it has in the past. Usually, thoughts of you flooded my mind and tears instantly formed in my eyes, but that didn't happen tonight.
Tonight, I've thought of a guy who has been separated from me for two weeks. While I know that time span seems like it's nothing, it has in fact felt like an eternity. For in the few months that I've known him, he has become someone that I treasure. Honestly, up until this point in my life, I never knew that I could feel this way for another human being. I know that it sounds clique, but even in the moments that I've felt love, nothing has compared to this separation.
To be honest, it scared me at first. It still scares me. For in my mind and heart, I don't want anyone else to see me the way that you have, Michael. But if I really want to find my life partner, I have to show him all of me.
Given our history, I've known that this path to love wouldn't be easy. I knew that I would struggle, try to sabotage it, and walk away, but at the end of the day, I can't. No matter how much I want to pursue our connection, I have to open myself up. Unfortunately, you can't be the only person who sees my soul.
This isn't easy for me to type or even to admit, but it's the truth. And I know that if you were alive, you would want me to give up the hold that you have on my heart. If you were alive, this would be a million times easier. But you aren't, and I have to finally face and deal with the decisions that I've made and come to terms with what life has thrown at me. At the end of the day, no matter who holds my heart I want you to know that I am and always will be yours. You are my soulmate, you are my everything, you are me.
I love you, Michael.
No fears and limitless, MHF
