I woke up with tears in my eyes and in that instant, I knew. I knew that all of my feelings were hitting me at once. Like an unexpected wave from the ocean, I could no longer run. Feeling angry, powerless, and most importantly hurt, I can only stand still as I get hit with everything that I have been avoiding. For in that instant, when I saw the sky turn from black to red to pink to light blue, I knew that it was time. Time for me to face all of my fears and doubts. Time for me to start living my life for me.
Michael, when you died my life became hazy yet crystal clear. I realized just how much I depended on you for everything. Our connection was and is so intertwined that it scares me. Even though I am the only one who can explain our connection, I am rendered speechless by the true depth we actually shared. I am still coming to terms with what it is truly like to be a twin, for I know that you are the person who made me, me.
Since you've been gone I have been searching for someone to fill that void. I have been looking for a hero to swoop in and save me. Becoming bitter by the day, as the one who I thought could be my hero let me drown, I felt hopeless, defeated, and lost. What I did not realize is the hero that I have been patiently waiting for is me. It has been me the entire time.
Scared and nervous yet excited and happy, I am ready to be fully independent. No longer needing the reliance and dependence on you, Michael, I am ready to run wild and free allowing myself to feel every moment.
No fears and limitless, MHF
