To Live is To Lose

As I embark on a once in a lifetime adventure, I can't help but pause and think about you. What adventure do you have in front of you? What adventure did we have in front of us? If everything went according to plan that fateful day, where would we be? Where would you be? Where would I be?

The thoughts of our future, the future we should have shared together, saddens my heart. Why did life have to turn out like this? Why did I survive? Why did I survive without you?

If you hadn't turned away from me that day, would life have turned out the way that I wanted? If it had would I be as satisfied as I think I would have been? Or am I just imagining that life would have been perfect with you, with us together? 

All I know is that life without you, knowing that you are in a better place without me, is slowly eating away at my soul. Maybe if I hadn't been so caught up in the future, our present would have been so much more magical. Maybe if I hadn't been caught up in the past, I could have lived moment to moment with you. Now, I will never know, 

Once mine, I have now lost you. The memories of our love, our life, our connection pains me. Our future would have been perfect, we would have been perfect. Obviously life had other plans for you, for me, for us. Now, I sit here and ponder what I could have done, what I could have said to ensure that we stayed together forever. 

And as much as I wish I had never known you, as much as I wish that I was crazy in thinking of the connection we shared, I know what we had. While that doesn't make my feelings easier to overcome, at least I know that once upon a time, my soul was happy. And once more my soul will be happy, it just may take a while.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Hatred

A powerful word, powerful feeling, powerful decision.

I never thought that I would feel hatred in my life. Nor would I have ever thought that this feeling would be associated with you. But it happened, Michael.

I hate you.

You left me. You made the wrong decision. You abandoned me. You were selfish. You made me give you my whole heart. You gave me nothing in return.

You make me not want to love another. You make me so frustrated with life. You make me have to endure life alone. You make me feel powerless. 

My hatred for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it hurts. When I think about you, when I think about the life that I should have had with you, when I think about the lonely life that I will lead, my heart physically hurts. Not the hurt you feel after you've been in an argument with a friend. The hurt you feel when your heart breaks. Michael, each and every time that I feel your abandonment, my heart shatters all over again. 

I remember that night like it happened yesterday. Returning from the hospital, I just laid on the couch. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything. The only thing that I willed myself to do was feel my heart break piece by piece. By the end of that night, my heart was shattered. 

Since that fateful day, I have been building myself back up. It hasn't been easy. Some days I feel as if I should give up, but I don't. I keep going for you, for us. I rebuild myself and with each rebuild, I think that I'm getting stronger. But then I hear a song, see a picture, hear your name, think of a memory and I crumble. Throwing myself back to the time you abandoned me, my hatred starts to build. My walls come up and I get sucked into an abyss of self torture. 

Michael, as much as I can harbor my hatred for you we both know that I'm not being entirely honest. I don't hate you. As much as I want to, I could never hate you. I hate me. I hate the way that my life hasn't turned out the way that I want it to. I hate my hate. For my hate isn't hate at all. It's hurt.

You've hurt me like no one has ever hurt me before or ever will. But I can't even be mad at you, for I know why you hurt me. Knowing that doesn't  make my hurt lessen, it makes it worse. For how can I be hurt by someone who gives their life for others? How can I be hurt knowing that I would have done the same thing? How can I be hurt when deep down we are the same person?

And now I realize that my hurt truly isn't hurt. It's love. My love for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it physically hurts. And even though I know that we can never be together, my love for will never cease. You will always have my heart. I am yours forever. 

No fears and limitless, MHF