Michael,
Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing life right. Actually,
since you left me I feel like I’ve been getting it all wrong.
There are times and moments of happiness and joy where I
think that I finally am on the right track. Then something happens and I’m flooded with thoughts of self-doubt. And those thoughts take me back to day that you
left me. Or is that the day that I left you? Honestly, I’m not so sure.
When I was stuck in that rip tide, yes I was swimming to try
to see you again but I was also swimming to save my life. I just remember
thinking that this isn’t how I am supposed to die. But then again it wasn’t how
you were supposed to die either.
And maybe life hurts so much because I was there when you
were born and when you died. I was the first born because the doctors thought
that you were squishing me. And I was the first of the two of us out of the
water because why? I wasn’t in the strong part of the rip tide? I was being
selfish in wanting to live? My will to love was stronger than yours?
And while I can sit here and wish that I wasn’t there when
you died, we both know that if I wasn’t, life would be so much harder than it
already is.
People say that you are dealt with things in life that only you are strong enough to handle. But I don’t know if I am strong enough to constantly
see destruction, loss, and hurt. Born with a heart of steel, my heart is still
shattered and soft. And while I like to think that one day it may heal … its
times like these that makes it so hard to picture.
And while deep down, I want to find love and happiness,
maybe I’m cut out for a life of being with just me. Would that be so bad?
Feeling your love and moments of you is all the love that I need but will the
love and memories fade away over time? Or will they just get embedded deeper
inside of me … I guess time will tell. Until then, please guide me.
No fears and limitless, MHF
