Infinite

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower -

Michael, there have been two times in my life where I felt infinite. Both were with you. Both ended in tears strained with heartache and goodbye. The last time being more permanent. As the last time was the day you died, the day I survived.

Infinity, feelings of being limitless, overcame me Halloween 2009. The date of Liz and Victor's wedding, for that weekend I felt on top of the world. I felt like I could conquer anything. I could with you by my side.

When you died three holidays were heavily marked with the absence of you: our birthday, Christmas, and Halloween. For the past two years I refused to celebrate. In fact, I never want to celebrate these holidays again. Just one small way for me to never forget the sacrifice you made and the selfishness that overcame me in the water.

This whole notion of torturing myself has taken on a new form. I made plans for this Halloween, plans to escape to a whole new world: Santiago, Chile. I leave the 31st, a date marked with feelings of happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, love and pain. A subconscious way for me to move on yet moving on with reluctance as the excitement of going to Chile is plagued with the haunting memory of you.

Maybe I'll find you and my infinity self in Santiago...

No fears and limitless, MHF