Weathering Love

"Wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay" - ZBB, Colder Weather

Her answer is in devastation. Always devastation.

Why? Why is love so hard? Why is love so hard for me? Why is love so hard for the ones that I'm attracted to the most? Why?

Why? Why do I feel broken? Why am I attracted to the ones that are broken too? Why?

Why? Why do I think that love will heal all wounds? Why am I attracted to the ones who believe that love will heal their wounds? Why?

Why? Why am I scared to find open and honest, jaw-dropping, heart-pounding L-O-V-E? Why am I attracted to others who are scared to find open and honest, jaw-dropping, heart-pounding L-O-V-E? Why?

Why? Why isn't my love strong enough to make them stay? Why isn't their love strong enough to make me stay? Why?

Michael, for me love and devastation go hand-in-hand. I think that they always will. When you left me, when my love wasn't strong enough to make you stay, when my love wasn't strong enough to make me leave, I didn't realize that it would lead me down this path. 

Broken, lost, and heartless, my life is now filled with longing. Longing for a true love to come in and rescue me. But if I were to stumble upon it, would I embrace it? Would I run from it? What would happen?

Will my love ever be good enough for someone other than you or will my love always be filled with weakness and devastation? 

Only you know. 

...

No fears and limitless, MHF. 

Hello

Such a simple word yet one that can be life altering.

Where would you be without your hello's? What have your hello's led to?

In the womb, in classes, in tears, and in joy, my hello's have molded me into the person that I am today. Taking me on a journey of life that I would never have imaged or dreamed of, I wouldn't trade my hello's for anything in the world.

While our hello was nine months in the making, our souls were intertwined from the moment our hearts started beating. And while yours has stopped beating, mine is now beating twice as fast. For you are me and I am you. Without our hello, I wouldn't know the true happiness one could get from sorrow. 

Our ironic hello led us down a consequential path. Both truly seeing the effects of life and death at an early age, our souls bonded before we were even aware. And while our lives have led us in, at times, different directions, I knew that when I met you I would never be the same. Without our hello, I wouldn't be as creative and inspired as I am today. 

While I never wanted to say hello, I forced myself to take that courageous step, and for that I am most grateful. Going through life's journey with you has been a crazy, emotional, wonderful, and impactful experience. Through my tears and happiness, we've become tangled into a bond that will never be broken. Without our hello, I wouldn't have been able to survive life.

Our fateful hello has led me down a path of healing. Curling up and cuddling upon seconds of our introduction, my stone-cold heart melted. Since then you've taught me how to love and trust. I wouldn't want to be locked into life with any other soul. Without our hello, I wouldn't have become as open to life as I am now.

Who would have thought just how powerful hello could be?

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Aging of Time

Having just watched The Age of Adaline, I was drawn to this movie as it spoke to my heart. For Adaline was constantly running, never fully living in the moment just like I was.

Michael when you died, I was struck with a bolt of lightening, just like Adaline. While it took her over one hundred years to come-to, it only took me five. These past five years have been filled with many ups and downs, all resting on the notion that I can't truly live without you. Wrapped in guilt, sadness, and at times depression, I forced myself to try to live in the moment. Constantly searching, I never knew if I would ever find peace.

Then it happened.

Slowly and with care, peace has overcome me. While this peace at times can be not be peaceful, it is cupped with the notion of moving forward. And while I am moving forward, I am learning that it's okay to be selfish. For my selfishness is making me pursue my dreams and more importantly, it's making me closer to you.

So while one door is closing and another is opening, I am learning that closing doors is not always easy. Necessary and hard, I am living my life in the moment. For everything will be okay, including my new found peace

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Conquering You

My conqueror. And you are just that. 

For the past four years you have had me, all of me. While I thought you were brought into my life to become my soulmate, my saving grace - I was wrong. I now know that we will never be together. While this fact would once have had me in a crippling heartache, I am surprisingly okay.

Capturing my heart, body, and soul, you slowly seduced me into becoming yours. Forever loyal to you and only you, I led my life with the notion that you were that all I needed. For when we would be together, all the troubles from my past would magically go away. And while I can say that you were my only seducer, that would not be entirely true. 

Meeting you in one of the darkest times of my life, I not only wanted to be conquered and seduced but I needed to be. My love for you, the love that we shared was a love that I desperately craved, a love that we both desperately needed. While not easy or healthy at times, our relationship helped distract me from the loss of my twin, from the almost loss of my own life. 

Absorbed in you, the past four years have been focused on how you conquered me. While I can pretend to feel hurt from the way our lives have evolved, I am not. For I know that had I not met you, my heartache would have been much worse. You were a distraction that I needed and for that, I thank you. 

no fears and limitles, MHF

Letting Go

"Keep your heart above your head and your eyes wide open...save your strength for things that you can change. Forgive the one's you can't, you gotta let them go." - Zac Brown Band

Without knowing it, 2015 has been a year filled with letting go. I had no idea just how much I was holding onto until I discovered what I needed to do in order to move on with my life.

While I sit here and contemplate everything that I have been faced with, I realize that this notion of letting go seems quite harsh, for "letting go" seems like it is filled with negativity. I am realizing that, in fact, I am moving forward, for everything that I have been holding onto will still stay with me, I am just holding and viewing them in a new light.

Selfishness & Selflessness: before your death Michael, I put everyone's thoughts and feelings before my own. For in my mind, everyone was more important than myself and due to my empathetic nature, I was happy when those around me were happy. I now know that tuning into my own thoughts and feelings first is not only not selfish but in fact is needed. By putting myself first, I can be more helpful to my loved ones.

Negative & Positive Grieving: Michael, your death and my grieving has filled the past five years. Not to the effect that I have been in a depression but each day I have felt dread and longing. Waking up to a feeling that "something just isn't quite right" turns even the most positive person into one filled with anger. Through different life experiences that I purposely made myself go through, I have found the you that is in me.

Realizing that when someone dies only their physical self leaves the earth has been my reassurance. While I know that I will have some tougher days, I am turning your life into a celebration. And why not? You are meant to be celebrated and it's time that I finally do.

Loneliness & Fulfillment: these two feelings have been the most difficult to overcome as they not only have severely plagued me the last five years but my entire life. Michael, with the hatred our parents have for each other along with the notion that they were "never truly there for us", their divorce turned me into a lonely being. It was our connection that truly saved me. For no matter what, we had each other...until you died.

Searching for my loneliness to disappear or at least dissipate, it was then that my conqueror found me. Swept away by him, I've spent the last five years thinking that if/when we are finally together, everything will be okay. That I will finally find inner peace. But I was wrong, for I will never be with my conqueror.

It was in these moments where I felt my life crumbling from beneath me that I realized that I am moving forward. While this process has not been easy, once I finally accepted this fate, a miracle happened. Ever since that fateful day where I discovered that my life, once again, was not going to turn out like I pictured, I have felt an overwhelming sense of fulfillment. This feeling, the feeling that I have been craving since birth, is here and real.

While I have always known that I will always be okay. I can confidently say that I truly feel as if I will be okay. For no matter where my life takes me, I will be bringing my fulfillment with me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

My Heart

"Your Heart Will Go On"

That was a message I received on the second day of your viewing. While it made me burst into tears, deep in my heart I felt that that message was wrong. For Michael, how could my heart go on without you? 

Five years later, I have learned that that message could not have been more true. 

Michael, while this journey has not been easy, I have found that despite it all my heart can love. From people to animals to places to experiences, my once empty heart is now filling with more love than I thought was possible.

While I never wanted my heart to go on as in my mind that meant I was letting go of you, I now know that my heart going on means that you are going on with me. You will always be with me, and for that, I thank you.

And now that my once shattered heart is slowly filling back up, know it will never be the same without you. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Connection

For most, the holiday season is a time of looking back and reflecting on the past year and lifetime. But for me, my yearly reflection always happens around this time.

Just like reflections, feelings of love and loss resurrect around the holiday season. And like my reflections, my love and loss are peaked around this time.

With these reflections, love, and loss comes connection - an aspect of my life that I have truly treasured. Connections, true connections are rare. And once you find another whose soul speaks to yours, the loss can be quite devastating.

While I know that life happens and people move in and out, it is my sensitive soul that makes that loss almost too much to bare. Even though, when reunited my soul is happily contented, I'm never fully prepared for the goodbye and subsequent loss.

Michael, it is in the past six months that the memories of love, loss, and connection have overwhelmed me. With feelings of loneliness, dread, and heartache, it was in those six months that I wasn't sure if there was going to be any more light in my darkened world. Then this month happened. While reflecting on the wonderful life that I have lived filled with amazing memories, it was in the past few weeks that loved ones from my past resurrected. While I am unsure if subconsciously they knew this time was tough for me or if it was an act of fate, I can honestly say that I have never felt so loved.

For when I gave up in the water Michael, I lost you. When I gave up on finding my light, I found ones whose souls speak to mine.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Finding You through My Loneliness

"I tell him that 'I'm still here.'"

But Michael, I am still trying to find you.

With less than a month to the fifth anniversary of your death, I made it back to the cemetery. And as I stood there in the snow, it hit me. While friends and family give comfort with thoughts of still being there for you, I am consumed with trying to find you.

From Michigan to Florida, all I want is to find you, the you that is in me. And while I have grown to love Florida and the experiences that have shaped my life here, I'm just lonely. This unwavering love of mine is plagued with loneliness.

The feelings of being near to you at your grave and in Rochester led me to wander into a story called Wanderlust. While there, the song that we played at your funeral suddenly turned on. Not having heard it since that fateful day, I was awestruck. I don't believe in signs but that coincidence was just too great.

While I sit here back in Florida with tears in my eyes, I am realizing that somehow that was you. But if it was, what were you trying to tell me? Was it a sign that you are in fact always with me? Was it a sign that was meant to give me hope? Was it a sign to help wash away my wandering? Whichever it may be, I am learning to find you through my loneliness.

I guess, I'm still trying to find myself too.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Mysterious Ways

"I'm thinking about how people fall in love in mysterious ways" 

- Ed Sheeran

Blue eyes

Soothing comforts

Sweet cuddles

Intertwined souls

Bravery

Patience

Kisses

Chivalrous 

Selflessness

Understanding

Reliance

Adventuresome

Caring ways

Helpful demeanor

Gentle soul

Thoughtful nature

Every love that I have felt, while they all have been different, have shaped the way that I love and want to be loved. And with these loves, while they will be lost, they all have deepened my soul.

With mere days to February 14th, love has been on my mind a little bit more than it usually is. While I am anxiously awaiting for my soul mate to walk into my life, it is through my other loves that I am learning to be patient. For with each of them, I stumbled into an unexpected love affair and it is with the serendipitous feelings and mysterious ways that will always make me truly treasure these moments of love. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Remembering Our Love

"He loved her enough to let her go even before he'd had her. And she'd loved him enough to wait for him" - The Mistress, Tiffany Reisz

The ultimate sacrifice of love, my ultimate sacrifice for you. 

Since I was little, I have been terrified about love. Finding and keeping love, although I so desperately wanted it, just seemed too much for me to handle. Already seeing the effects of dying love, I never wanted to experience that...until I did.

Recently, I have been terrified to fall in love again. The love we shared, while it was much too short, was a love that everyone dreams about. It was a love that I wanted and needed. Wanting to only hold onto our love, I spent the last few years alone. For what if I met another soul mate, what would happen to our love? What would happen to my love that I promised you would last forever?

Now, I am terrified that I won't find love again. Learning that love is never the same, I am ready. Not because I want to depend on someone, not because I need a man to complete me, but because I know that I was brought onto this earth to love. For my love is strong enough to endure more than one love. I know that, even though pieces of me will always remain with you, I will move on. For my love for you, your love for me, our love for each other has given me strength. Even in my moments of weakness and grief, those tears and painful days keep making me stronger. And while, I will never see, speak, or hear from you again, I can't thank you enough for everything that you have given me.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF