I'm failing in what I believe in. I'm failing in what I want to become. I'm failing at life. But most importantly, I'm failing at what I've promised you.
Michael, I feel like I can't even say your name because I feel like such a coward. For I can't even keep my promise to you, my twin, my love, my soulmate. And if I can't keep the promises that I've made to you, then what's the point of making promises.
And it's times like these, while they occur much more rarely than in the months and few years after you died, that still affect me just as powerfully if not more so.
What it all comes down to is me trying to live life, my life, your life, and the life that we should have lived together. I try so hard but then something happens. Whether it's a feeling, the time of year, or me being too scared or too set in my own ways, whatever happens spirals me back to the past. Becoming closed off, I wrap myself into a cocoon and slowly close myself off to all. Even though I'm aware of this, I can't help it until it's too late. While secretly hoping someone will come to my rescue and understand why I do what I do, I know that if the situation were reversed, I couldn't do it. So in my naive heart and mind, I'm waiting for a hero who will never save me. But then again, I think that the only person who could ever truly save me is you. And we both know that can and will never happen.
And while I wish with my whole heart that I was different and could change, I'm not sure if it's even possible. How can you undo something that you've been doing for 27 years? How is it even possible for someone to change? For I know that if I was meant to change, it would have already happened. So until I find my hero or until I die, I know that I am bound to remain quiet.
No fears and limitless, MHF
