Everything happens for a Reason (mostly)

I am learning what it is like to go with the flow. This has been a 23 year long process and, Michael, one of the lessons I have learned from your death. 

I honestly never thought I would say those words, for no lessons should have been learned from your death because you shouldn't be dead. You should still be alive; however, it happened. My worst nightmare came true, three times. For you not only died before me but I watched you die and when I was in the water, almost dead myself, I made the wrong choice. How stupid was I? 

People often tell me that we were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. All of my friends from that fateful day believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that almost everything happens for a reason. What was the reason that you died and not me? What was the reason the sun shined and the rain stopped for those two hours? What was the reason that you died and no one else? What was the reason that anyone had to die? 

There was no reason.

But since your death, I have learned that there is very little that I can control. Up until recently, I still tried to pretend that I could control life...I am now giving into this whole idea of going with the flow. For in this mindset, the notion of "everything happens for a reason" is the basis. 

I must admit that it is exciting to actually live in the moment as appose to constantly thinking about the future. I feel as if for the first time in my life, I am in the here and now. I am not even scared for what the future holds, I am no longer fearful just curious, excited, and ready for the journey called life. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

I've loved and I've lost

There are three characteristics I posses that truly define me. I am loyal to a fault, I have endless love and devotion, and I have incredible strength. These three qualities, intertwined and tangled together, compose my soul. Each of these strengths runs so deep within me that it oftentimes leaves others surprised and overwhelmed but those who truly know me aren't surprised at all. For they know that my soul purpose in life is to

However, despite these being my strengths, they are also my biggest weaknesses. Who would have thought that?

I, unfortunately, have learned the restriction of my love despite it being such a powerful force of nature. For when we were in the water struggling, it was my love for you that gave me the strength to give up. I sacrificed my life for you...only to end up on shore alive, alone, and twinless. 

In the midst of my heartbreak and grieving, I learned to love another. Both being through traumatic circumstances, we leaned on each other. Then the ultimate test came. He left for a year long deployment in Afghanistan. Knowing full well what could happen, I thought that my love could surpass all the hardships...and once again, my love fell short.

My biggest strength failed me.

But it is my strength that keeps me from crumbling and cracking. Its as if I am made of diamond, the strongest mineral in the world, for nothing seems to break me. All I can do is keep moving forward and remember that

No fears and limitless, MHF

The World is a Beautiful Place

In the next four days, my life will drastically change. Everything that I have worked for since you died is being put to the test. How did I let myself do this? Most importantly, why did I do this to myself?

In the next four days, I could be heartbroken all over again. This time with no purpose or reason to pick up the remaining pieces.

In the next four days, I may not have a job anymore. Do I have another one lined up? No. Am I scared? Yes but maybe not as scared as I should be.

In the next four days, I will be thinking about you constantly. What if you were here to help me pick up the pieces? Would my fall seem as hard if you were still by my side?

In the next four days, my world could come crashing down. Why do I always crave you when things go wrong?
...Because the last time my world came crashing down it was because you died. You died, leaving me here, and I somehow survived. But for what purpose? To live out both of our dreams? Quiet honestly, my dream is to always be by your side. So in fact, I have failed.

But you see, I cannot be negative for long. For when I get into my dark place, I picture your smile and everything makes a little more sense. I still miss you with all my heart and soul but your smile, in essence my smile, gives me goosebumps and I know that you are still by my side.

Losing you will be the hardest thing I will ever have to do. You are the love of my life yet with this deep of love also comes pain, making room for even more love in the end. My purpose is to love this beautiful world and life. You taught me that...

In the next four days, my life may not be as I pictured it but, Michael, I carry you into the future and know that eventually everything will be okay.

No fears and limitless, MHF

2.5 years of rain

When it rains, it pours and in my world it has been a non-stop rain shower. 

The day that you died, it poured. Those thirty minutes of sunshine were tantalizing, taunting, and beckoning us. Who would have thought that the sun could be so evil, so burning, so deceiving. 

The first year I was in shock. Not truly knowing what had happened yet protecting myself from the nightmare that was to begin- the grief, healing, and understanding that you, my twin, left me alone on this earth. Terrified and fending for myself, I realize that although your struggle is over, mine is just beginning. The first year is over, my protection is done. This second year commemorates my anger, hurt, and depression all combining into self torture and my one liner: "I should have died". 

Through this grieving cycle I only hope to come out stronger, more like you and wiser but most importantly, I know that I will come out a shaped person, living your dreams along with mine. We are now one.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Easier said (or written) than done

It has taken me six months.

A whole half year has gone by but now I am finally ready to break my silence. The promise I made to you did not die, for each and every day I have thought more and more about you. Every day I find a little piece of myself and in essence I find you. I have learned that you are still so much apart of me. Deep down I always know you will be...once a twin always a twin, right?!

But that connection, the one that I crave, also haunts me. For my life is burdened by sadness. I have come to terms with that fact. I can never be happy without drifting back to that fateful day when I truly was my happiest. I can never be happy because you will never be at my side, a thought and fact that I feel as if I will never understand or accept.

Every day is a battle filled with mixed emotions and regret. For I am still not the person you would have wanted me to become. I have failed you but know that every second is a little victory for it means that I have survived one second longer than I anticipated. Still as lost as ever but always and faithfully yours...

No fears and limitless, MHF