Emotionally Hurt

Emotionally hurt, emotionally abused - whatever it may be, I've been like that since birth. Only knowing selfish love, my entire life I've been putting up walls to protect myself and to guard my heart. For you see, I've never really learned how to fully love another person. For me, love has a price and I learned from a very young age that the price is never worth it.

The trauma that I've seen in my life has formed and shaped me into someone who has shielded myself from the one thing that I've desired the most: true love. While I'm learning to break down my walls, I'm realizing that my guard is stronger than I thought it was. This wall that I've built makes me take a different approach to relationships and love:

1. I'm gentle and at times very fragile. I will keep my distance, especially in the early stages of a relationship, because I don't want to seem overbearing or too vulnerable. I will give space but in return, I need to know that I'm thought of or else I will start to second guess my feelings and become defensive.

2. My heart will be guarded. As you well know Michael, my heart has been tattered, shattered, and torn into a million pieces by my abusers. It's become so hard that it's a thick shield of armor. But deep down, it's a ball of mush. Melting in the tenderest of moments where I truly feel loved and connected to another person, my heart will become theirs. But until I really trust someone, I ...

3. Won't open up easily. I will have my moments of bearing my soul but it's usually an "up in the air" thing. Because once my heart is fully open, I'll let out a flood of overwhelming emotions which will only scary someone away.

4. I will want to go slow (emotionally). While I'm fully capable of eventually becoming vulnerable, with me it's a journey. I won't reveal too much at once, especially if I'm sharing something that will make a suitor run away. I'll take it one step at a time, becoming more vulnerable along the way. I just ask for patience and understanding in return.

5. I'll put thought into the relationship. Because I've been told that I'm loving wrong so many times in the past, I'll put a lot of thought into a relationship. Why? Because for once, I want to get it right.

6. I'm (secretly) afraid. Since I do infrequently experience and meet people who I can truly connect with, I will be terrified when I meet someone amazing. I will get extremely anxious and scared as they might just be a dream. Or worse, they might leave me.

7. Affectionate is my middle name. I adore and crave cuddling, kisses on the forehead, hand holding, and hugs. Why? Because it takes all of my fears and insecurities wash away.

8. I will forever be loyal. At the end of the day when I give my heart to someone, they will always have a piece of me. I do this because my deepest wish is that someone will be there for me.

So while I can wallow in the fact that being emotionally hurt has destroyed my relationships, at the same time all of my experiences have helped me become the person that I am. While I know that I might still remain unlovable right now, I hope that eventually I'll find someone who will love me for me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Shame On Me

People don't realize how hard it is for me to open up and become comfortable enough to share my most intimate self. I know I'm not uniquely alone in this, but with a history of 27 years of pain, anger, and hurt, peeling back my layers isn't an easy task. Even those that I've known for years and trust with all of my heart, don't get to see the true me all the time. I just can't help it. Wanting so desperately to change, at times I feel as if I will never become the person that I want to be. 

Despite this traumatic and painful childhood, I still have a dream of getting married and raising a family. While this dream started from a very young age, I still like to believe that it is in my future. In the past, I've struggled with vulnerability in relationships. Choosing the wrong guys on purpose gave me a reason to always have my guard up and to never truly commit. Then you died.

With your death, part of me died. The part that died was replaced with a newfound strength. This strength is fueled by you, Michael. For everything that I do is for the both of us. I'm living my life and I'm living the life that you should have lived. For now and always, I'm living for the both of us. 

And with this new take on life, I'm being more strategic. Digging deeper into understanding what makes me "me" and how I can better myself, I'm also trying to become more open and vulnerable. I'm trying to find my soul mate. But that's easier said than done.

 Lately, I've met two individuals who I felt connected to right from the start. Instead of running away or trying to sabotage it, I was uniquely myself. And you know what Michael, they seemed to like me for me. Until they didn't. While one had the courage to say something, the other ghosted me. Leaving me wondering and wanting more, but just like your death, those questions will never be answered. I'm left with thoughts and feelings of loss, hurt, and disappointment. For the courage it took me to be my true self was uncomfortable and really hard. I thought that it would have been worth it, but alas I was wrong. 

And while I would like to say that I'm willing to try again and not lose hope, I'm just not sure that my heart can take it. While only knowing these two individuals for a short time, the pain that I'm feeling right now is a fresh wound and reminder that should I had gotten closer, the pain of them leaving me would be infinitely greater than what I'm feeling right now. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think that I could handle that. For one can only take so much pain in a lifetime, and I'm afraid that my quota is almost filled. So while I have't lost all of my hope just yet, I can honestly say ... 

And with that I think it might be time for me to redefine my goal and focus my efforts elsewhere. But who knows, maybe I'll remain foolish a bit longer.

No fears and limitless, MHF