Another First

And here it goes, Michael. I am spending the holiday season with no distractions. The first since you died.

Subconsciously, I have been preparing for this holiday season since June. Plagued with a loneliness so intense, it has been hard to breathe some days. With wandering thoughts of when this depressive, lonely state will vanish it strikes me that it will be this way for a long time. While there feels as if there is no light to be found in my darkened world, I still hold on to hope that one day the light will be there.

It is with this hope that one day, I will start to feel you, really feel you. As with this depth of loneliness, I crave for a connection, our connection. And with each passing day, my longing for you, for us deepens. I am honestly not sure how long this will last, how long I will last.

And while I struggle to find the you that is in me, I can't help but wish that someone, any one, will come to my rescue. But will that really help me? Will I ever find someone who understands my depth? Will I ever find someone who completes me the way that you did? Will I ever find happiness and peace?

It is with this hope that I wish that my loneliness will wither up and that my love for you will find love in another. It is with belief in you, in us that I know that my loneliness is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless. I believe that this loneliness will heal me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Forever Changed

We were at our childhood home. A mix of family, high school friends, and current co-workers were gathered. A friend came to me. She said that she needed my help burying something. We went out to the back yard. I remember that the ground was so soggy. Soft and soggy. My gut told me that something wasn't right, something was off about that grass. I ignored it.

I started digging in the dirt. It was cold, hard, and sticky. All of a sudden, it hit me. I was sitting in a pile of quicksand. Struggling at first as only my ankles were stuck, I quickly became engulfed within the sand. Screaming for help while my friend went for my rescue, I knew that this might not end well. Right before you came rushing out Michael, my chest grew heavy. The quicksand was quick with its' murderous attempt. Right as I was giving up hope, you came rushing towards me. I reached out to you and pushed as you pulled and tried to release me from the quicksands hold. Our first attempt failed. Then I decided to give up. As you pulled me toward safety, I just laid there, limp as a leaf. It worked. For this time, you saved me from the quicksand.

In my nightmares, it is usually I who saves you Michael. And it is within those nightmares where I fail each and every time. My nights are then consumed with the painful loss all over again. I wake up and feel the heavy burden of living life without you, my soul mate.

In this nightmare, I wasn't scared. In fact, I wouldn't even classify it as a nightmare. I was relatively calm throughout the entire dream. It was only when I saw your face where hope filled me. But that feeling quickly faded. For once I was rescued, I woke up and realized that you in fact hadn't saved me. I hadn't saved you. You are still gone and I am still here.

No Fears and limitless, MHF