Death

Michael, it has been far too long. And for that, I sincerely apologize. I also apologize for what I am about to tell you. My life, our life, has been plagued with another death. Elliott, one of your good friends from high school, has died.

Upon hearing this news, my reaction was unexpected yet predictable. I am once again burdened with my decision. I made a choice in the water that fateful day and I am still unsure if it was the right one.

Envy and guilt have consumed my being. For I wish I was strong enough to finally meet you in heaven. However, I cannot. Knowing everyone on this earth who still needs me, I feel the guilt of still wanting that. But I feel envious of all that we have known who have died because I know that they are with you while I am still stuck on this earth, alone.

...funny how death makes you second guess everything.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Coincidence, Fate, Both, or Neither

Lately I have been thinking about fate. I am not even sure that I believe in fate. Nor do I believe in coincidences. I guess I am not sure what I believe in.

What I am sure of is the fact that unbeknownst to me and to most; things happen for a reason. Most reasons are a mystery. It could take years to finally understand and grasp but every reason eventually becomes crystal clear.

...

The reason of March 12, 2010? I am still unsure, might always be

The reason why we went to the beach? Your first day and my last

The reason we decided to play catch? IT is what we always did 

The reason we put our toes in the water? That is what people do at the beach

The reason why I was drunk and you had dip? We were celebrating

The reason why I survived and you did not? I am still unsure, might always be.

...

The reason we met? I do not know yet, I will soon

The reason why you sat next to me? That was the only empty chair in the back

The reason we spent the summer together? We had a deep, magnitising connection

The reason why I did not come to Mississippi right before your deployment? I was not ready

The reason you left and stopped talking to me? I do not know yet, I will soon

...

Two defining moments. Two moments in which I made a decision that sealed my fate. Two fates in which I could picture my life. Two lives that did not happen but turned into coincidences. Two coincidences that make perfect reasons. Two reasons that turned into one destiny.

no fears and limitless, MHF

Un Segno

Michael, who would have guessed. How would I have known that our beach, the beach that you died on, the beach that almost took my life, would become even more significant.

A few nights ago, while dealing with the most painful migraine, I went to our beach. I had not been there for a month and just felt the need to go. Originally just going to watch the sunset, I had no idea what I was truly in store for.

On the beach, I got caught up in my thoughts. Seeing the crabs, hearing the crunch of the shells beneath my feet and smelling the salty ocean air, my sunset watch turned into a two mile walk. South of the pier, yet only a half mile from where you left me, my life drastically changed again.

Three and a half years ago, death overtook my life. My light, my spark, my life dimmed, changing me to this very day. Unrecognizable, I was just floating along not truly knowing my place on this earth. Three and a half years later, in almost the exact spot, my place was found.

While walking back towards the pier in the darkness, the scene I witnessed took my breath away. Michael, I saw baby sea turtles making their way into the ocean. A once in a lifetime event, an occasion that people camp out to see during these summer months, and I just happened to stumble across it. With just one other person by my side, I saw the first moments of life for these babies. What made it even more magical was the fact that I could not take pictures. It was a moment in time that technology could not capture, it was a moment in time that will never leave me.

On the same beach that I witnessed your death, I experienced life.

A sign.

No fears and limitless, MHF

LOVE

Michael, I have found that in my life there are three themes: love, loss, and pain. All intertwined and connected, for with one comes the others. All three give me strength yet only one truly gives me courage.

It wasn't until this return trip to Michigan where I have realized the full force and depth of my love for you. I will always think of you, will always want you by my side, always long for you, always feel you in my heart just like I know you would do the same for me. But something inside of me has switched.

I am no longer afraid. Thinking of everything that I have overcome and still need to overcome has overwhelmed me from the day you died. Coming to terms with your death and finally admitting that you are dead, that this isn't a dream, that I'll never see you again has finally happened. This acceptance, something that I've dreaded and have been afraid of as I thought that it would literally rip me to shreds, has finally snuck up on me and arrived. I am not sure when I reached this point but instead of my heart breaking all over again, I feel free.

Losing you completely, the pain of my breaking and aching heart, the long road to recovery now seems all bearable. My fears have been pushed aside. For I know that the love we shared, the love I had for you and the love you had for me, was real, honest, and pure. Soulmates from the start, we captured each others hearts not knowing the journey that lay ahead of us. It has not been easy but it has helped shaped us, helped shaped me. It's the memories, the way you made me feel, and the endless love I have for you that makes this new found acceptance manageable. Despite the fact that it's easier than I expected, I know that I'll still be plagued with days of sadness, loss, and hurt. I always will and I wouldn't have it any other way. But it's my love for you that makes everything okay.

Michael, it is time that I thank you. I have treasured every single gift you have given me but this courage is the most precious of all...

No fears and limitless, MHF

One of many Firsts

I am high. High on life, high on feelings of you, high on Florida. Yet I am plagued. This July 4th marks my first holiday in Florida. Thinking things would be different, thinking that my feelings would not follow me, thinking that I would not feel so empty and alone- I was and am naive and stupid.

What started off as a great day turned into a day filled with torture. The loss of you, the loss of Jason, the loss of my therapist leaving for ten days, the loss of everything that has never happened weighs deeply on me. Too deeply.

Wanting so desperately to deeply connect with someone yet knowing when I get the chance, I'll run away. Wanting to feel happy yet needing to feel sad and hurt, I am walking on eggshells. I am plagued with a fate that leaves me frustrated and exhausted, knowing that every feeling, emotion, and memory will end with despair, torture, and excitement. Always intertwined. Always complicated.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Dusty

Michael, I let myself crack. I am losing you, losing us, losing everything that we had, losing every part of who I am. I wish I could say that I'm fighting. Fighting to keep me alive, fighting to keep the memory of you. Instead, I am running. I'm letting the crack get bigger until there is no hope. I wish I could stay strong but at some point even the strongest of metals breaks. I just know that this breaking point is also my melting point.

Moving forward is too hard and painful. I know you could have done it. You would have fought so hard for me, for us. You were always the stronger one. I am sorry to fail you. But, for now, it is just easier to run away and try to forget everything. Because of our intertwined souls, I know that you'll understand. I'll eventually be ready and come back to conquer the dust that has settled. I promise that I'll be back.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Everything

Michael, as I settle into my new life I cannot help but cling to the past; the past that you and I created together, the past that created a safe and beautiful future. But clinging to the past is only making life more difficult. As I come across new endeavors, I retrieve my strength from the past and the future that we envisioned. I am holding onto a life that will never, ever happen.

I knew that moving to Florida would not be easy, in fact, that is one of the main reasons why I wanted to move here. I knew that in order for me to grow professionally and personally, I needed to face my fears, needed to start over, needed to feel you again. Since I lost you in Michigan, I knew that you had to be waiting for me in Florida. I just had a feeling that Florida was the answer that I had been waiting for.

I was both right and wrong.

I need to be in Florida in order to move forward but no one told me that moving forward was going to be this hard and lonesome. My every thought and sleepless nights are plagued with feelings of guilt, hurt, and longing. I cry myself to sleep and torture myself during the day all the while I put on a facade. For no one knows of my true pain. No one knows that I am just now starting to grieve the loss of you.

Despite it all, Michael, I am having the time of my life. With a new job along with my new found friends, I am learning that I am not alone in the world. For the longest time I have struggled with finding others as deep as us. I almost gave up hope. But everyone that I have met seem to be honest, open, and looking for a deeper connection. It is refreshing as I feel like I finally fit in. But at the same time, I am scared. What happens if I accidentally replace you with one of them? What happens when I lose sight of us? What happens when you are truly gone from my life?

Clinging to the past is where I find my peace. Reliving each wonderful memory stirs me up until I can feel whole again, until I feel the you in me. And in those moments all I can think is that...

No fears and limitless, MHF

It Happened Again

Shocked at first, I should have known, should not have been as surprised. It was bound to happen again.

Michael, it happened around the same time as when we went to the beach that fateful day. I had a few drinks just like the day you died, except this time I was frozen in place. For the life of me, I watched the events unfold as opposed to trying to help.

One moment dad and I were enjoying our time together, sitting by a dock on the inlet and the next second, I was thrown into a state of panic and anger. There were three children all around the age of 7 or 8 playing on the dock. One minute they were safe and the next, one had fallen into the ocean. Without pause, a lone ranger dove into the water and rescued him. Scared more than anything, the little boy was saved. Upon seeing the commotion, his family finally came rushing onto the scene. Scared and worried themselves, the little boys' mom scolded him for falling in- like it was his fault, like he wanted to fall in and almost lose his life. I literally had to bite my tongue not to yell at his parents for being so irresponsible. Instead, I sat and watched letting my anger and bitterness build.

Dad had tears in his eyes as we let the scene sink in. I just sat there realizing that the half drink I had already consumed made me tipsy, almost to the point of being drunk. I was drunk the day you died and I was almost drunk the day this little boy almost died. One difference remained: I instantly became sober, realizing we were stuck in a rip tide and knew what I had to do. I instantly realized the effect of the alcohol that I had consumed when I saw that little boy come up from struggling in the water.

Thinking back on that day, I know that it is situations similar to those that will make me grow and open up about you, about the last day we shared together, and about the loss and pain that I will have to face for the rest of my life. Despite all the anger and underlying hurt, I still am looking forward to being reconnected to the ocean as it holds a special place in my heart.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Stupid Girl...Until Now

I woke up with tears in my eyes and in that instant, I knew. I knew that all of my feelings were hitting me at once. Like an unexpected wave from the ocean, I could no longer run. Feeling angry, powerless, and most importantly hurt, I can only stand still as I get hit with everything that I have been avoiding. For in that instant, when I saw the sky turn from black to red to pink to light blue, I knew that it was time. Time for me to face all of my fears and doubts. Time for me to start living my life for me.

Michael, when you died my life became hazy yet crystal clear. I realized just how much I depended on you for everything. Our connection was and is so intertwined that it scares me. Even though I am the only one who can explain our connection, I am rendered speechless by the true depth we actually shared. I am still coming to terms with what it is truly like to be a twin, for I know that you are the person who made me, me.

Since you've been gone I have been searching for someone to fill that void. I have been looking for a hero to swoop in and save me. Becoming bitter by the day, as the one who I thought could be my hero let me drown, I felt hopeless, defeated, and lost. What I did not realize is the hero that I have been patiently waiting for is me. It has been me the entire time.

Scared and nervous yet excited and happy, I am ready to be fully independent. No longer needing the reliance and dependence on you, Michael, I am ready to run wild and free allowing myself to feel every moment.

No fears and limitless, MHF

To Risk Oneself

Michael, on the day you died, in those fourteen hours before, I never felt more alive, more curious about life, more spontaneous, more you. The wonder and feelings I so desperately wanted to feel came to me in copious amounts, washing away all my insecurities. You believed in me thus making me believe in myself- something that I had been looking for through all those years of running on eggshells. In that day, I never felt more complete. 

Than you died, lathering me up with more troubles than I knew were possible. Depriving me of everything that I wanted and deserved to feel, leaving me lost, empty, and knowing nothing. 

Having to fend for myself, for the memory of you, I am unsure if this belief in myself will resurface. If it does, I am in for a long road ahead of me. A road that I need to travel alone, a road that you would have wanted me to travel, a road that will end in my dreams coming true. 

Until then...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Abandonment

To relinquish. To never be in control. To withdraw, desert, give up. 

Our lives have been filled with abandonment. Each time we left mom for dad, each time we left dad for mom. Each goodbye plagued with loss, change, and ceasing normalcy. Each visit representing a new beginning, a new relationship, and a new memory. Each emotion evoking opposites, twinged with complications, and learning that joy and sorrow are in itself embedded within one another. 

Every shift, every change, every relationship, even the simplest, resurrects this notion of abandonment - making nothing easy. Revisiting the years and years of tears, joy, sorrow, and goodbyes burdens each and every one of my decisions. Unapproachable, reserved, and closed off plague my being as my defense builds upon itself. Without warning or control, my walls close with no barge strong enough to crack them, making it nearly impossible to open up to the ones that I so desperately want to be vulnerable with. 

Fearful of abandonment, I've come to realize that my fear has already come true. Even being so connected to you, Michael, I knew that one day you would abandon me. It's not your early and untimely death, I am talking about me. I have abandoned myself, let myself down in so many ways that I am unsure if I will ever recover, ever forgive, ever be truly happy.

I fear that I have lost me and in essence the you that lives in me.

...

No fears and limitless, MHF

In all the world

Michael,

There are days when I look back in time and wonder what life would have been like for you. Had you survived, where would you be now? Had you survived, where would we both be? Had you survived, would you be happy?

Had you survived and I died, would you miss me as much as I miss you? Had you survived and I died, would your heart be as broken as mine? Had you survived and I died, would your life, goals, and dreams have crumbled never to be what they once were?

Had we both died, it would have ended the world for our family and friends. Had we both died, nothing would seem fair. Had we both died, life wouldn't exist as it did before.


But I survived.


Typing those three words, even saying those words is very hard. It took me three years to admit the truth. I still don't want to believe and accept it, Michael, but those words define my life, define me. Knowing I will never understand why, knowing I have to accept my fate before I can accept yours makes me want to run from the painful truth.

But knowing my heart is yours, knowing my love for you is strong gives me hope and strength to accept my survival.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Partners

I couldn't sleep last night. Not because of my upcoming move to Florida, not because of mom's move out of our house into an apartment, but because of March, because of the upcoming three year anniversary, because of all the untouched memories and feelings I have repressed.

Awaking every hour, I imagined and anticipated the long day ahead of me. I thought about you, the life you could have had, the life I could have had, and the life that I have created for myself since you died. In the darkness of the night, where my dreams and nightmares stayed hidden, I went over each time I have felt you. Whether it be your favorite song or a commercial, each and every "sign" that I've come across, I thought was from you.  Last night, that died. I came to the conclusion that these so called signs were just coincidences and my minds way of trying to keep you alive. These signs were in fact just random bits floating into my life for no particular reason, holding no significance.

Then at 6:35 am- an hour since I had risen- Storypeople sent me their daily email. This one holding particular significance.

This saying is one that I use from spring break, the spring break that you died. Comforted by these words, I knew that today wouldn't be as bad as I had anticipated.

I could not have been more wrong. 

Crying is an understatement, balling my eyes out seems to describe my state for the past two hours. Sick to my stomach and head aching, I can't seem to stop. These tears just keep on coming with no end in sight. With moments of just a few glistening tears, I realize that these tears are in fact tears of anger, hurt, and hatred instead of sadness. 

My tears of anger and hatred are my defense. These tears I can handle. It's the tears of hurt that frighten me. They scare me the most. 

Since your death, Michael, pain and hurt have filled my life. Mostly because of you. Our family, the one who you called every day, the one who claimed her love for me, turned on us. Just a few days before the three year anniversary, mom and I have to be out of our house. The house where we have lived our entire life, the house that holds so many of my memories, the house that holds you. Eventually, I knew that we would give up this house but the forcefulness of this move, the timing of it- she did it on purpose. Avoiding life, she is using her feelings against the ones she once loved. As bitter and mean as this sounds, I could care less about my relationship with her. I care more about this house and what it has represented to me for the past twenty-one years. Mostly I am scared. Scared to give up our house, for once I leave what if all of my memories of you disappear along with it? 

Mom isn't the same either. Professionally, personally, and with family she strikes. Lashing out, she thinks that she is the only one affected but she has brought me down too. Her world is crumbling and I, the builder, the carpenter, the cementer, am trying to fix what's broken. Realizing all too late that I am unable to help. Whatever is left in mom is not savable. She is a sinking ship and I bear the burden of silently watching. 

This leads me to you, Michael. I knew that day we were making a mistake. I just wasn't brave enough to voice it. Had I, would it even have mattered? Would you have even heard me? You were so sure and dead set that even me, the one you loved, couldn't have changed your mind. My pleading, wanting, and needing would have gone unnoticed. There was nothing I could do. Now, I'm left in the dust feeling the guilt, loneliness, and resentment while you fly. Never to feel free again, the twisting and turning of my feelings is a knife that jabs, leaving my already broken heart shattered and leaving no hope

.

---

No fears and limitless, MHF

Ode to You

Words escape me so I borrow another's:

I do not love you as if you were a salt-rose, or topaz,   

or arrow of carnations the fire shoots off..  

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,   

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms 

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; 

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, 

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.   

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,  

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,   

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

- Pablo Neruda

No fears and limitless, MHF

One Month.

4 weeks. 30 days. 720 hours. 43,200 minutes. 1,296,000 seconds.

Until the three year anniversary. 

Already preparing myself, the torture, nightmares, sleepless nights, and loneliness have commenced. Depriving myself of everything, I am going into my great state of depression. My hours of darkness are consuming, overwhelming, and engulfing me- just like the ocean did to you, to me. 

Limiting myself to see very few people as possible, Michael, I find myself craving to see one. For this person, despite my mess, has somehow captured my heart and I his. He is the one person that I open up to, he is the one person that I want so desperately to be vulnerable with, he is the one. 

Whenever I see my captivator, we end up talking about you. This past time, he said a comment that I just cannot seem to get out of my mind. He said that it was weird to think about me having a brother as he has only seen and known me as being an only child. Honestly, Michael, I view myself as an only child. I have repressed you to the point of thinking that you were a fantasy. Our twin connection has died. And sadly, I mourn the loss of that more than you. Am I crazy?

Thinking on his comment more, I realized that we have both lived full lives without one another. He was married before. Already vulnerable, open to a family, open to love, I do not know if he will ever be ready for that commitment again. He also has been in two wars, seen and faced death, seen generosity, I do not know if he will ever be selfish again. From a broken home, I have faced many battles, have seen hatred, have had my soulmate by my side. I do not know if I am willing to give up the life that I have dreamed, the life that I was supposed to have. 

I thought I knew the life that was waiting for me. Twice. In my first life, Michael, we were supposed to grow old together. You were not supposed to leave me, you were supposed to survive. The lone ranger who dove in to save you, was in fact supposed to save you while you were still breathing. We were both just supposed to have been scared and scared from the rip tide. It was not supposed to take a life. 

My second life, life without you, was when I was going to be married to the one who holds my heart upon his return from Afghanistan. I built up my life imaging that dream. Shattered, I am now planning our two different lives. Opposite coasts, opposite feelings, opposite dreams yet always to remain in each others lives. 

In my third life, after giving up everything, I make the second biggest decision of my life: I move. Florida, being both healing and inspiring, is my destination. Whether or not I get into graduate school, whether or not I find a job, whether or not I find you, I may just find myself. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, and confused, this move is key. I need to find me, find the person that I am to become. For finding myself might lead me to my captivator, finding myself might lead me to finding our twin connection, finding myself might lead me to finding you within me, finding myself just might lead me to the life that is waiting for me, a life filled of sparkle and glitter. 

4 weeks. 30 days. 720 hours. 43,200 minutes. 1,296,000 seconds.

Until my third life starts.

-

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Ocean

When I arrived it started to pour, just like the day you died. Ironic, isn't it?! For those two hours, I watched the rough waves, knowing they were filled with rip tides. Beckoning me, I walked in the sand and dipped my toes in the salty water. That was it. I did not feel anything. The rain washed away my emotions, leaving me numb. Drenched and feeling nowhere near closer to you, Michael, the ocean defeated me once again. I left shivering, cold, and empty- just like three years ago.

I was not going to go back. I felt that going back would just be torture. I felt that the rain was telling me something. It was a warning sign, a sign saying that it was too soon. But then I remembered looking up at the sky before I left. I saw the sun peaking through the clouds. I caught a glimpse of a rainbow forming and I knew. I knew that that sign was bigger than the rain. I knew that I had to see the ocean one more time.

I went back alone. Running up to the ocean, I did not know what to expect. This time I did not dip my feet in the ocean nor did I walk on the beach. This time I stayed away, put some distance between us. This time tears came. I let them drown my face. Unafraid of how I looked and who would see me, I beckoned you while staring out at the vast ocean.

Before you died, my tears were saved for my pillow. For me, tears represented weakness which represented vulnerability. Before you died, I would hold onto my tears until my throat burned and eyelids turned red. Before you died, I was closed off.

After you died, I discovered that tears represent strength. After you died, I became unafraid and untamed. After you died and when my tears come, I just let them flow until my throat burns and eyelids turn red.

After you died, I am still closed off. After you died, I am open to the idea of opening up. After you died, I became vulnerable. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Broken until Whole

I broke a promise to myself. I never wanted to return to Florida, never wanted to face the place that killed you, that almost killed me. Filled with too much heartache, pain, and loss- West Palm Beach and the ocean would never see me again...or so I thought.

Michael, I just got back from four days in Florida, in West Palm Beach, in paradise. Instead of anger, hurt, and tears, I found inspiration. 

This notion of inspiration was surprising, refreshing, frightening. For I wasn't expecting that to be my reaction, wasn't ready to be hit with awe.

---

Michael, I didn't go to Florida to torture myself. I went to feel closer to you. I went to completely lose my breath.

Instead of losing my breath, I had too much. Overwhelming feelings of love and support washed over me while I was there. Feelings that I was longing for, feelings that I need, feelings that I want.

Now I can't stop thinking about Florida. First using it as my escape, now using it as my way to heal and move forward.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Fighting Chance

No one has ever fought for me. 

Am I not worthy? 

Am I really that stern when I tell people to leave me alone? 

  I am always fighting for others. It's a constant battle but worth it. For I know what it's like to have people give up on you. For someone to be truly alone. 

Is it too much to ask for someone to fight for me?

......

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Magic

Michael, there have been two moments in my life where magic happened.

The day you died marks the first magical day. Those fourteen hours I had with you in Florida were the most special hours of my life. Words cannot describe my feelings. For that day I felt on top of the world. Thinking back, I get chills knowing how happy you made me. I didn't think I could be any happier until we went to the beach. I remember hugging you, knowing that my life was absolutely perfect. I was breathless and in heaven picturing our future together.

We know how that magical day ended.

The second day where I saw magic happen was actually yesterday. For I discovered where my heart lies. Besides our last day together, Michael, I don't remember ever being this happy, free, overjoyed, and at peace. Even though everything in my life is up in the air, out of my control, I know where I will end up.

Magically, both days ended with me in tears. Tears of heartbreak, devastation, shock. Tears of happiness, joy, excitement.

-

I inadvertently let myself have moments of bliss. To be perfectly honest, Michael, it was magically wonderful and I await the next time where I let these moments slip past the torture.

No fears and limitless, MHF 

The Best Way to be Sad

I don't know why these past few days have become my darkest. I thought that after almost three years of losing you, my days would become brighter. I seem to not have reached rock bottom yet. My darkest days are still to come.

My days are filled with sadness  I am scared, struggling, stranded without you, Michael. I am not me but some lost puppy waiting for the right person to come along and help me with my grief. But what if that person never comes?

What if the person I am waiting for is myself? How am I to overcome my self torture, self pity, self destructiveness? I fear that I will never. I am destitute to always be sad, scared, struggling, stranded. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Alone and Lost

Until your death, I didn't realize how alone I truly was. Or maybe I did but our connection was so strong that it didn't matter. As long as I had you, it didn't matter who else was in my life. Now that you are gone, Michael, I realized the relationships I was in. They were toxic. I discovered that I am the one helping, saving, and encouraging. But where's my help? My savior? My encouragement?

When you died, I snapped. I gave up some toxic relationships but not all. I thought that your death woke me up. It did in some ways but now I am reverting back to my old ways. I am giving in to my need to help, save, and encourage. But this time it's different. It's not as fulfilling. In fact, it makes me so incredibly lonely. More lonely than I've ever been before.

But I don't know how to stop. I don't think I will find anyone who is like me. I am destined to always be deeper than everyone. 

Knowing this makes it hard. I feel as if I can't open up, unleash my feelings, show my true colors for fear that no one can handle it. I am convinced that I am alone thus making me a different person than who I am in my core.

Michael, all I truly want is for someone to recognize that even though I may be hard on others, hard on myself, and hard to love. I need it the most. For I truly believe that love conquers all.

I just need the right person to come along, push me into letting them in, and show me that I'm not alone. Show me that there is another out there who is as deep as I am.

Until that day...

No fears and limitless, MHF

The End

Michael, I can't stop thinking about the day you died. Besides the way this whole horrible nightmare happened, I realized why your death is so hard to accept. Why I push the images and memories away. Why I am still so upset at Shrek and the hospital.

When the nurse deliberately told Dad you died first while he was alone- that was strike one. When the nurse left him alone, sobbing- that was strike two. When the nurse followed up the news of your death with "he could have lived as a vegetable in a coma"- that was strike three. My final straw.

Almost three years later those words still haunt me. I know that you were dead on the beach. I knew that I had lost you to the ocean. And even though you would not have been breathing on your own, tied up to one too many machines, you would have been living. We would have gotten to say goodbye. Mom, Dad, and I could have been the ones to pull the plug, the three of us, as one family. 

This whole notion that you could have been in a coma haunts me, will always haunt me. It not only signifies our goodbye, the fact that you could have lived longer, but it also tells me that the hospital didn't do everything in their power, they just didn't do enough. But then I have to ask myself, regardless of the way they delivered the devastating news, would I have ever thought that they did enough? 

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Ring

For our birthday the year you died, mom gave me a ring. This ring sparkled like your eyes, had a depth like your soul, and was your favorite shade of green. I never took this ring off. In fact, one could almost describe me as protective, obsessive over it. For me this was more than just a ring. It represented my journey without you, my new beginning, me carrying you on with me.

This ring was you.

December 22, 2012. The day that I took the ring off and never put it back on.

My therapist says it's a good sign. That it means I am finally starting to feel you in me. I know otherwise. I'm not wearing it to purposely forget about you. For my memories are still just of our darkest hours together. And those memories aren't worth the good ones we had.

I tell myself that I am doing this to be strong when I know that I'm weak. I'm running away, knowing that eventually everything will catch up to me. I'm keeping my guard up, knowing that I'll drive away all those that I love.

I'm doing this because everything else is just too hard, too painful. I'm doing this because, right now, this is all I know. 

I know nothing else. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Silence the Torture

I made it. I made it another year. I made it to 2013. 

Michael, I have been reflecting on this last year. Some goals, dreams, and wishes of mine came true while others faded, got lost, purposing didn't happen. 

Goals, dreams, and wishes that came true:

1. I finished a semester of graduate school

2. I got an internship at Chrysler working for the Dodge Brand

3. I discovered that I could love another person

4. I'm becoming more open, more vulnerable, more you

Goals, dreams, and wishes that didn't come true:

1. Professionally, I entered into a career that doesn't fit. I did it because of you Michael. I am following your dreams

2. My love came at the wrong time. My heart is just getting crushed and trampled upon while I wait for Mr. Right to realize that he's my Mr. Right. I don't wait for anyone

3. I still am not opening up about you. I still don't remember much about life before, just about the day that you died

4. I still torture myself daily

This year, I know what I have to do. I've always known yet it is just easier to sit and torture myself. It's easier to not move on with my life. It's easier to give up then to trek on. I wish I could be stronger, Michael. I wish time stood still. Because as each year, month, day passes by, I shut down more and more. For I know that, unfortunately, I won't talk about you until it's too late. I'm beyond saving...

No fears and limitless, MHF