Mon ame est francais

Michael, as you know I am a hopeless romantic. My dream of one day having my fairy tale led me down a path of true romance. It led me to learn French for six years. For 1/4th of my life I have learned the ways, culture, and purity of France- only cultivating my love for romance even more. When I see, speak, or hear French my heart starts to race, butterflies form in my stomach, giddiness and excitement overcome me.

However, my love for French grew even more after you died. For in the French language, they place emphasis on the verb, they stress the indirect object, they know that every part of a sentence is connected to the other.

Michael, you are missing from me. This huge part of my heart, my spirit, my being is gone. I feel so torn, so shattered, so beat up? What do you do when a piece of your soul is missing? The French embrace it, romance it, and make art from it. French is me in a language.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Forever is Never Enough

-Story People

Michael, forever would not have been enough time with you. Our time was too short...how did that happen? Why was that our fate? I will never know.

What I do know is that it is an honor to be your sister, your twin, your best friend. You have touched my soul in so many ways. I only wish that I could have told you that before you died. My hope is that you felt it, that you felt our deep connection and knew that we were two peas in a pod, a package of two. 

I know that I will always wish you were here by my side, that you should be living this life and not me, but you did survive. You survived through me. For I can only stay negative for so long, my strength- our strength shines through and I am reminded of the beautiful person you were and that you would have become. 

Every now and then I let myself glance back over our life and shared memories and momentarily feel a glimmer of hope. For knowing you, even though it was for only a short time, was enough. Enough to make me feel loved and treasured for the rest of my life. 

I still wish you were here but life has been more fair because I had you for twenty years. How lucky was that?!

-Story People

......No fears and limitless, MHF 

In Love

I have lost my passion. The light in my eyes has died. The warmth in my soul has left me. I am lost, lost without you.

Everything that I stood for, everything that was me is gone. Trying to figure out my life is hard even harder without you. Some days I look for someone to rescue me, other days I don't want to be rescued. Secretly, there is only one person who can truly help. But the question remains, will I ever feel like rescuing myself? Or will my life forever be drowned with the burden of surviving, of making the wrong choice?

There is only one thing that is truly saving me. For I am in love. In love with the passion, light, and warmth of other people.

Everyone I met has touched my soul and it excites me to see where they'll go. For every time that I see other's passions it reminds me of your contagious smile. That smile is worth it. Worth it for me to live out your passion, Michael. Worth it for me to find mine. Worth it for me to touch one other person.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Infinite

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower -

Michael, there have been two times in my life where I felt infinite. Both were with you. Both ended in tears strained with heartache and goodbye. The last time being more permanent. As the last time was the day you died, the day I survived.

Infinity, feelings of being limitless, overcame me Halloween 2009. The date of Liz and Victor's wedding, for that weekend I felt on top of the world. I felt like I could conquer anything. I could with you by my side.

When you died three holidays were heavily marked with the absence of you: our birthday, Christmas, and Halloween. For the past two years I refused to celebrate. In fact, I never want to celebrate these holidays again. Just one small way for me to never forget the sacrifice you made and the selfishness that overcame me in the water.

This whole notion of torturing myself has taken on a new form. I made plans for this Halloween, plans to escape to a whole new world: Santiago, Chile. I leave the 31st, a date marked with feelings of happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, love and pain. A subconscious way for me to move on yet moving on with reluctance as the excitement of going to Chile is plagued with the haunting memory of you.

Maybe I'll find you and my infinity self in Santiago...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Memories

Michael, the day you died marked the day I lost everything. March 12, 2010 marks the day of my new life. A life that left me lost, a life that left me knowing nothing not even myself, a life that hid all my memories except one: you're body lying hard as a rock on the beach. 

I don't want to remember because then everything will seem too real. I'm afraid of my tears, afraid of what I will discover, afraid to actually live the promise I made to you. 

Forgetting isn't easy. It's something that I didn't want to happen but it's my defense. My defense mechanism to keep all my memories locked away. For if they stay locked away then you'll be locked away in my heart and mind. That way, you'll always be mine and I'll always be yours. 

But my unknown decision came with a price. A price that hurts me more and more everyday. For, Michael, I can't feel you, can't feel your presence in my life, can't even feel you in my heart. 

For me, the war is over. It's decided. For now, I forget and await the day that I start remembering.

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

Night

Michael, do you remember when we were both afraid of the dark? After we turned off the lights in the kitchen, we would both run upstairs, sometimes tripping each other, as to try and escape any witch, robber, or ax murderer that could be downstairs. Silly and juvenile but up until your death, I still did it. For me, the dark represented my fears and my fears represented my vulnerabilities and my vulnerabilities represented the unknown.

As you know, my biggest fear came true. The dark no longer intimidates me. In fact, I crave darkness. That's partially the reason why I didn't sleep for the first year after you died. I knew that if you were to come to me, it would be at the darkest hour of night, for nighttime makes everything more real...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Time

Time is a phenomenon that intrigues, interests, and scares me.

Who can up with the idea of time? Why were they so inclined to define life in terms of seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, and years? 

Time is relative and unknown. It is merely a convention of conversation and thought, a way to explain days and nights, a way to settle the human instinct of needing to know everything. It is a way for us to control...for life is defined by time. 

I didn't realize how intertwined time and life were until the hours of your death, Michael. In fact, those last few hours with you seemed like seconds yet when I was in the hospital waiting to hear the news about you, it seemed like years. For in those moments, time stopped. 

Around 5pm

Around 6:15pm, there were no sirens.

Around 6:25pm, they didn't let me into the ambulance.

Around 5:30pm, we shouldn't have gone to the beach.

Around 7:20pm, I should have asked them more. Told, insisted, pushed them to do more.

Around 6:10pm, I should have been the one to do CPR.

Around 5:40pm, we shouldn't have dipped our feet in the ocean.

Around 5:42pm, I should have yelled “swim parallel to shore” instead of “help.”

Around 6:35pm, I should have insisted that I stay by dad's side.

Around 7:12pm, I shouldn't have apologized for screaming.

Around 5:00pm, it shouldn't have stopped raining.

Around 8:00pm, they never asked about me and they knew, they knew, I was in the grips of the rip tide with you.

Around 5:50pm, I should have swum toward you.

Around 6:00pm, desperately willing to sacrifice my life for you, I stopped struggling… only to wash ashore.

Around 7:10pm, I should have been there when they told dad.

Around 6:35pm, they left me wet, shivering, in the waiting room alone while they pumped water out and air in.

Around 6:25pm, I should have forced myself into the ambulance.

Around 7:11pm, seconds after hearing I was twinless, they told me you could have lived as “a vegetable in a coma.” 

Around 6:10pm, I shouldn't have pleaded with God, my breath merely wasted.

Around 6:05pm, I should have been right by your side holding your hand, never letting go.

At 7:09pm, I should have died instead of you.

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

Signs

Michael, do you believe in signs? I am not sure that I do yet at the same time I find myself finding signs everywhere.

Last week, I told you that everything in my life was up in the air. Sounding positive, I was actually beyond scared but I knew that if my world crumbled, eventually everything would piece back together. Deep down, I knew that my world couldn't come crashing down for that had already happened once. Yet, not being so young and naive, I knew that I could have lost everything for who truly knows where life is going to take you. Luckily and unexpectedly my life started a new path. Happy and confused, I was very exited to start this new turn in my life.

But you know me, I can only be happy for so long. Friday afternoon rolled around and I began over analyzing everything. I thought back on the last four days and turned all the positives into negatives. For my new path now seemed overwhelming. I started to feel lost and doubted my purpose in life.

This new anxiety led me to a Chinese restaurant on Saturday afternoon. Feeling disappointed and frustrated, I tried to enjoy living in the moment. I was not successful. Then my fortune cookie came. Usually either getting the same fortune or a cliche proverb, I wasn't expecting anything. Turns out I was wrong.

"Friendship is love with understanding". I couldn't help but smile and feel as if this was a sign. A sign saying that my life is turning out exactly how it should be. A sign indicating that my week was in fact positive. A sign from you Michael, saying that you are with me even if I don't always feel you.

Before you died, I did not believe in signs or fate for that matter. I couldn't see the point in finding little pleasures in everyday simple objects or things. In fact, deep down, I would judge those who did, thinking that they were silly. Since you have died my perception has changed. I am a firm believer in fate thus picking up on hints and signs that surround me. Have they always been there? Are my eyes just open now? Is it your spirits way of letting me know that you're with me? Whatever it is, every now and then, a sign slaps me in the face and I can't help but think of you and the life we shared together.

No fears and limitless, MHF