Goodbye In My Eyes

Recently, I have had to say goodbye. While I had not known this person for a long time, our connection was rare and deep. As my hour long car ride was filled with tears running down my check, it was in that moment that I knew. I knew that if we had had our goodbye, I wouldn't have survived.

For years, all I have wanted was one simple goodbye. But we both know that our goodbye would not have been simple. With our history, our connection, our love, there has never been anything simple about us. And while I have felt robbed by you, by our lack of goodbye, I have come to realize that maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

For if I had been granted my wish, I would have been greedy and wanted more. For if I had been granted our goodbye, I would not have known what to say. For if we had said goodbye, the silence remaining between us would have killed me even more than your sudden vanishing act.

These past few years have been plagued with this notion as those lonesome, depressed nights were almost too intense to bear. And it is through my wondering, wandering, and that hour long car ride filled with sad love songs that I am filled with hope. With the hope that I have been spared from another hardship that I would have had to overcome. While there will always be times of heartache, pain, and wishing, our lack of goodbye has, in fact, saved me.

It is on this cold Florida night, with a heavy heart and goodbye in my eyes, that I bid you adieu. Goodbye my soul mate...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Powerless

On the eve of the beginning of the end of the holiday season, on the eve when I am supposed to travel to celebrate Grandma's 90th birthday, on the eve of a night that should have been filled with happiness, I find myself wretched with the awful notion that I am powerless. I am powerless to it all, Michael.

After you died, it hit me that there is very little that I can control. A fact, that although we created a controlled life despite the out-of-control situations our parents put us in, was just a fantasy and a way of trying to make sense of all the madness. Losing this ability to control, while a difficult task, was not as hard as it should have been because I realized that I still had power: The power of our love, my love. And with my love came an enchanting force that people wanted to be around. A power, while not used for evil, was a force that help guided loved ones back to me. This force, my power, my love is no longer.

Waking up from yet another dream where I lost you Michael, waking up from an email saying that Grandma's birthday is canceled and she won't be in town, waking up and realizing that my conqueror is no longer mine, all I could do was cry. There was nothing to say, nothing to think, nothing to feel but loss.

While my power came with my love, it also came with my vulnerabilities, an aspect that I only show those that I love the most. And while,

I cannot be vulnerable anymore. My heart has been ripped open and stamped on far too many times. And while life is never what it should be, I never thought that my life would be filled with this much hatred, powerlessness, and loss.  

For those that I love the most, you Michael, Grandma, and my conqueror I have come to realize that I will never see again. And while I have loved and lost due to circumstances out of my control, that doesn't soften the blow. It just makes it that much harder for me to realize that my influence, my power, my love is in fact not strong at all. It is a fleeting force.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF