The Nearness of You

- Postsecret 

Michael, since you've died I have done everything with a purpose. I have always been strategic and everything that I do, I do for a reason. But when you died, I thought that I survived to live your life. I knew that my life became yours.

Psychological numbing- whether it's self protecting or self destructing, I lost you. I lost you in more ways than one. Struggling to feel you again, a force overtook me. Being near to you became my new dream.

I built up my life around you and those that made me think of you. I put you first. Now, I am not sure where my life ends and yours begins. I don't know if I'm living my dream or yours. Our interconnectedness, though special and precious, is at times overwhelming. I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe that's what happens when you lose your sibling, your twin, your best friend, your soulmate. Maybe I am so wrapped up in trying to feel you that I lost sight of myself, lost sight of my purpose in life. Or maybe all along my purpose, my fate, my destiny is to have a life of struggle.

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Holidays

Thanksgiving has passed and the holiday season is officially underway. Besides the day you died and our birthday- this time of year is the hardest for me. From Halloween until the new year, I find myself in a struggling haze. 

I clam up,

disappear.

There are no words to describe my thoughts and feelings during this time. The need to be alone overwhelms me. I constantly give into this notion and become consumed with depression and self torturing until I fall into a black hole.

No hope of seeing light

No hope of anything.

I don't know how or why I have survived for this long. I think about everyone else who has faced tragedy and wonder how they survived. Is there some secret that I'm missing? Is this my fate? Will my life always be like this? Will the good always be plagued with the bad? Will I always feel guilty? Will I ever find someone who will understand and appreciate this part of my life? But most importantly, will I ever forgive myself? 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Divided Life

Part one and part two. Before death and after death. Old me and new me. 

Always divided. 

Michael, this is my life. This will always be my life. Comparing, torturing, and anxiously anticipating the future while wondering what life would be like if you had survived. 

......No fears and limitless, MHF

Certain Kind of Darkness

Michael, nothing pisses me off more when people complain. It's such a selfish act and selfishness is one trait that I absolutely cannot stand. Maybe it's because I am always putting others before me, maybe it's because we were raised in such a giving home, maybe it's because there is so much more to life than one horrible mistake. Either way, this is one trait that will make me stray, for it is against my morals to surround myself with selfish people.

One trait that I have been blessed with is my compassion and empathy. I love other people. One way I show this love is by helping and listening. I am a constant, a rock. I am someone that others come to when they need comforting. This is where my blessing becomes a curse. For it is in these moments where I truly understand the depth of a person.

After you died Michael, I became a selfish person. For I knew that instead of going on with my life, I had to move back to Michigan and face the end of yours. For me there was no other way, no other choice. I had to deal with the fact that you died and I survived. With this selfishness came zero compassion. For how can one think their life is over because they cheated on a test, had a bad first date, overdrew their bank account?!

With my zero compassion came a tolerance. I understand that others aren't as deep as I am. They haven't experienced a full life that I already have at the age of 23. They have not had to witness the trauma and tragedy that I have. Without these experiences how are they to know that with joy comes sorrow, with darkness comes light, with nightmares come fantasies?

Michael, my world is now darkened. The loss of you has changed me into a person that I don't recognize. But your death has also brought me the stars. For I find myself opening up. My walls are coming down. I feel like for the first time I am experiencing what you experienced. I am turning into you, an honor and wish I thought would never come true. For you are my shining star and are guiding me through the night of life.

No fears and limitless, MHF