I am here, I am all here

Michael, as easy as that sounds it has been a struggle my entire life. I am not entirely sure why I have never allowed myself to truly be in the moment. What I do know is that it took me 20 years to finally reach the point of waiting to feel alive. And as you know that day was the worst day of our life, my life. 

Since that fateful day, I have either lived in the past or tried to control and predict my future. Never truly being present, I put up walls and boundaries so that I would not feel. For what would happen when I truly felt alive again? Who would die this time? What would happen to me? What would happen to us?

Excitement; no one; rejuvenated; nothing - that's what would happen. And how do I know that Michael? This past weekend I lived in the moment, I went with the flow, I truly allowed myself to feel alive.

While this fear of mine has consumed my life, forcing me to into a lonely, depressed state, I should have feared nothing. I should have trusted you, should have trusted me, should have trusted our connection. 

Michael, I am not saying from here on out that my days will be easy, happy, or momentous. I know that I have plenty of dark days a head of me, plenty of days where I will feel alone and depressed, plenty of days where I will long to be with you. But, hopefully, I will conqueror those days with a new vigor. Hopefully, I will remember how truly magical it is to be fully present. Hopefully, I will find many more days where I am filled with your spirit. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Phantom

"When a woman has seen me, as you have, she belongs to me. She loves me forever." - Gaston Leroux, The Phantom of the Opera

My love for you, my conqueror, was grown from an empty, shattered heart. Sneaking up, the moment I looked into your eyes that day, I knew. I knew that my being would be forever changed. For I saw your soul, your depth, your sorrow, your love. What was seen that day, bonded us together. 

Just like the Phantom haunts Christine, you haunt me, always. Trying to break free, trying to find a new love, trying to live my own life is useless, Michael. For I am forever haunted by this love, by this destiny. Just like Christine, I have a phantom. 

However, my phantom isn't pulling me towards a life of love. He pulls me toward the bitterly dark world of unrequited love. This bitterly dark world that leaves me empty and alone. Sealing my fate, that day I looked into your eyes, you had me. You will always have me, Michael. 

The promises whispered to Christine, those that were once whispered to me, are gone. Abandoned, my love, you have abandoned me. Instead of the hatred that I should feel, I am drawn to you. Our love, our bond, our connection overrides all the heartache you have caused. I will truly never live as I have lived before. I will truly never live if you aren't in my life. 

And in the end, Christine has a choice between her Phantom and Raoul. But I don't. Your promises, your power, your love leaves me no choice. I will forever be haunted by you, my phantom.

"If I am the Phantom, it is because man's hatred has made me so. If I am to be saved, it is because your love redeems me" -Gaston Leroux, The Phantom of the Opera

No fears and limitless, MHF