Sinister

Lately I've been having nightmares. I switch back and forth between two. Both revolve around you. Both deal with the fact that I survived. Both are about no one understanding the pain I have endured. In both dreams, I end up unharmed and alone. Alone yet unharmed.

I know that the holiday season is always tough for me but I couldn't figure it out. Why was I having all those nightmares? Why have I been crying almost everyday? Why have I been losing my breathe with every thought of you? Why have I lost all of my motivation?

12-12-12

Michael, you died March 12, 2010. The 12th has huge significance for me. The first year, I would relive your death on the 12th of every month. Now, I am often hit hard with pain, guilt, and loss on the 12th but not of every month. It often sneaks up on me, leaving me in a state of depression for a week.

I wasn't hit with the reason for my drought of happiness until last night when I finally realized the date. Triple whamming. Subconsciously, I knew. I knew that 12-12-12 was approaching. I prepared myself by building up my walls, shutting off, shutting down, and torturing myself in every way possible. For my life is now a journey, a journey without you.

No fears and limitless, MHF