One Month.

4 weeks. 30 days. 720 hours. 43,200 minutes. 1,296,000 seconds.

Until the three year anniversary. 

Already preparing myself, the torture, nightmares, sleepless nights, and loneliness have commenced. Depriving myself of everything, I am going into my great state of depression. My hours of darkness are consuming, overwhelming, and engulfing me- just like the ocean did to you, to me. 

Limiting myself to see very few people as possible, Michael, I find myself craving to see one. For this person, despite my mess, has somehow captured my heart and I his. He is the one person that I open up to, he is the one person that I want so desperately to be vulnerable with, he is the one. 

Whenever I see my captivator, we end up talking about you. This past time, he said a comment that I just cannot seem to get out of my mind. He said that it was weird to think about me having a brother as he has only seen and known me as being an only child. Honestly, Michael, I view myself as an only child. I have repressed you to the point of thinking that you were a fantasy. Our twin connection has died. And sadly, I mourn the loss of that more than you. Am I crazy?

Thinking on his comment more, I realized that we have both lived full lives without one another. He was married before. Already vulnerable, open to a family, open to love, I do not know if he will ever be ready for that commitment again. He also has been in two wars, seen and faced death, seen generosity, I do not know if he will ever be selfish again. From a broken home, I have faced many battles, have seen hatred, have had my soulmate by my side. I do not know if I am willing to give up the life that I have dreamed, the life that I was supposed to have. 

I thought I knew the life that was waiting for me. Twice. In my first life, Michael, we were supposed to grow old together. You were not supposed to leave me, you were supposed to survive. The lone ranger who dove in to save you, was in fact supposed to save you while you were still breathing. We were both just supposed to have been scared and scared from the rip tide. It was not supposed to take a life. 

My second life, life without you, was when I was going to be married to the one who holds my heart upon his return from Afghanistan. I built up my life imaging that dream. Shattered, I am now planning our two different lives. Opposite coasts, opposite feelings, opposite dreams yet always to remain in each others lives. 

In my third life, after giving up everything, I make the second biggest decision of my life: I move. Florida, being both healing and inspiring, is my destination. Whether or not I get into graduate school, whether or not I find a job, whether or not I find you, I may just find myself. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, and confused, this move is key. I need to find me, find the person that I am to become. For finding myself might lead me to my captivator, finding myself might lead me to finding our twin connection, finding myself might lead me to finding you within me, finding myself just might lead me to the life that is waiting for me, a life filled of sparkle and glitter. 

4 weeks. 30 days. 720 hours. 43,200 minutes. 1,296,000 seconds.

Until my third life starts.

-

No fears and limitless, MHF