After you died, it hit me that there is very little that I can control. A fact, that although we created a controlled life despite the out-of-control situations our parents put us in, was just a fantasy and a way of trying to make sense of all the madness. Losing this ability to control, while a difficult task, was not as hard as it should have been because I realized that I still had power: The power of our love, my love. And with my love came an enchanting force that people wanted to be around. A power, while not used for evil, was a force that help guided loved ones back to me. This force, my power, my love is no longer.
Waking up from yet another dream where I lost you Michael, waking up from an email saying that Grandma's birthday is canceled and she won't be in town, waking up and realizing that my conqueror is no longer mine, all I could do was cry. There was nothing to say, nothing to think, nothing to feel but loss.
While my power came with my love, it also came with my vulnerabilities, an aspect that I only show those that I love the most. And while,
I cannot be vulnerable anymore. My heart has been ripped open and stamped on far too many times. And while life is never what it should be, I never thought that my life would be filled with this much hatred, powerlessness, and loss.
For those that I love the most, you Michael, Grandma, and my conqueror I have come to realize that I will never see again. And while I have loved and lost due to circumstances out of my control, that doesn't soften the blow. It just makes it that much harder for me to realize that my influence, my power, my love is in fact not strong at all. It is a fleeting force.
No Fears and Limitless, MHF
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