Coincidence, Fate, Both, or Neither

Lately I have been thinking about fate. I am not even sure that I believe in fate. Nor do I believe in coincidences. I guess I am not sure what I believe in.

What I am sure of is the fact that unbeknownst to me and to most; things happen for a reason. Most reasons are a mystery. It could take years to finally understand and grasp but every reason eventually becomes crystal clear.

...

The reason of March 12, 2010? I am still unsure, might always be

The reason why we went to the beach? Your first day and my last

The reason we decided to play catch? IT is what we always did 

The reason we put our toes in the water? That is what people do at the beach

The reason why I was drunk and you had dip? We were celebrating

The reason why I survived and you did not? I am still unsure, might always be.

...

The reason we met? I do not know yet, I will soon

The reason why you sat next to me? That was the only empty chair in the back

The reason we spent the summer together? We had a deep, magnitising connection

The reason why I did not come to Mississippi right before your deployment? I was not ready

The reason you left and stopped talking to me? I do not know yet, I will soon

...

Two defining moments. Two moments in which I made a decision that sealed my fate. Two fates in which I could picture my life. Two lives that did not happen but turned into coincidences. Two coincidences that make perfect reasons. Two reasons that turned into one destiny.

no fears and limitless, MHF

Un Segno

Michael, who would have guessed. How would I have known that our beach, the beach that you died on, the beach that almost took my life, would become even more significant.

A few nights ago, while dealing with the most painful migraine, I went to our beach. I had not been there for a month and just felt the need to go. Originally just going to watch the sunset, I had no idea what I was truly in store for.

On the beach, I got caught up in my thoughts. Seeing the crabs, hearing the crunch of the shells beneath my feet and smelling the salty ocean air, my sunset watch turned into a two mile walk. South of the pier, yet only a half mile from where you left me, my life drastically changed again.

Three and a half years ago, death overtook my life. My light, my spark, my life dimmed, changing me to this very day. Unrecognizable, I was just floating along not truly knowing my place on this earth. Three and a half years later, in almost the exact spot, my place was found.

While walking back towards the pier in the darkness, the scene I witnessed took my breath away. Michael, I saw baby sea turtles making their way into the ocean. A once in a lifetime event, an occasion that people camp out to see during these summer months, and I just happened to stumble across it. With just one other person by my side, I saw the first moments of life for these babies. What made it even more magical was the fact that I could not take pictures. It was a moment in time that technology could not capture, it was a moment in time that will never leave me.

On the same beach that I witnessed your death, I experienced life.

A sign.

No fears and limitless, MHF

LOVE

Michael, I have found that in my life there are three themes: love, loss, and pain. All intertwined and connected, for with one comes the others. All three give me strength yet only one truly gives me courage.

It wasn't until this return trip to Michigan where I have realized the full force and depth of my love for you. I will always think of you, will always want you by my side, always long for you, always feel you in my heart just like I know you would do the same for me. But something inside of me has switched.

I am no longer afraid. Thinking of everything that I have overcome and still need to overcome has overwhelmed me from the day you died. Coming to terms with your death and finally admitting that you are dead, that this isn't a dream, that I'll never see you again has finally happened. This acceptance, something that I've dreaded and have been afraid of as I thought that it would literally rip me to shreds, has finally snuck up on me and arrived. I am not sure when I reached this point but instead of my heart breaking all over again, I feel free.

Losing you completely, the pain of my breaking and aching heart, the long road to recovery now seems all bearable. My fears have been pushed aside. For I know that the love we shared, the love I had for you and the love you had for me, was real, honest, and pure. Soulmates from the start, we captured each others hearts not knowing the journey that lay ahead of us. It has not been easy but it has helped shaped us, helped shaped me. It's the memories, the way you made me feel, and the endless love I have for you that makes this new found acceptance manageable. Despite the fact that it's easier than I expected, I know that I'll still be plagued with days of sadness, loss, and hurt. I always will and I wouldn't have it any other way. But it's my love for you that makes everything okay.

Michael, it is time that I thank you. I have treasured every single gift you have given me but this courage is the most precious of all...

No fears and limitless, MHF

One of many Firsts

I am high. High on life, high on feelings of you, high on Florida. Yet I am plagued. This July 4th marks my first holiday in Florida. Thinking things would be different, thinking that my feelings would not follow me, thinking that I would not feel so empty and alone- I was and am naive and stupid.

What started off as a great day turned into a day filled with torture. The loss of you, the loss of Jason, the loss of my therapist leaving for ten days, the loss of everything that has never happened weighs deeply on me. Too deeply.

Wanting so desperately to deeply connect with someone yet knowing when I get the chance, I'll run away. Wanting to feel happy yet needing to feel sad and hurt, I am walking on eggshells. I am plagued with a fate that leaves me frustrated and exhausted, knowing that every feeling, emotion, and memory will end with despair, torture, and excitement. Always intertwined. Always complicated.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Dusty

Michael, I let myself crack. I am losing you, losing us, losing everything that we had, losing every part of who I am. I wish I could say that I'm fighting. Fighting to keep me alive, fighting to keep the memory of you. Instead, I am running. I'm letting the crack get bigger until there is no hope. I wish I could stay strong but at some point even the strongest of metals breaks. I just know that this breaking point is also my melting point.

Moving forward is too hard and painful. I know you could have done it. You would have fought so hard for me, for us. You were always the stronger one. I am sorry to fail you. But, for now, it is just easier to run away and try to forget everything. Because of our intertwined souls, I know that you'll understand. I'll eventually be ready and come back to conquer the dust that has settled. I promise that I'll be back.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Everything

Michael, as I settle into my new life I cannot help but cling to the past; the past that you and I created together, the past that created a safe and beautiful future. But clinging to the past is only making life more difficult. As I come across new endeavors, I retrieve my strength from the past and the future that we envisioned. I am holding onto a life that will never, ever happen.

I knew that moving to Florida would not be easy, in fact, that is one of the main reasons why I wanted to move here. I knew that in order for me to grow professionally and personally, I needed to face my fears, needed to start over, needed to feel you again. Since I lost you in Michigan, I knew that you had to be waiting for me in Florida. I just had a feeling that Florida was the answer that I had been waiting for.

I was both right and wrong.

I need to be in Florida in order to move forward but no one told me that moving forward was going to be this hard and lonesome. My every thought and sleepless nights are plagued with feelings of guilt, hurt, and longing. I cry myself to sleep and torture myself during the day all the while I put on a facade. For no one knows of my true pain. No one knows that I am just now starting to grieve the loss of you.

Despite it all, Michael, I am having the time of my life. With a new job along with my new found friends, I am learning that I am not alone in the world. For the longest time I have struggled with finding others as deep as us. I almost gave up hope. But everyone that I have met seem to be honest, open, and looking for a deeper connection. It is refreshing as I feel like I finally fit in. But at the same time, I am scared. What happens if I accidentally replace you with one of them? What happens when I lose sight of us? What happens when you are truly gone from my life?

Clinging to the past is where I find my peace. Reliving each wonderful memory stirs me up until I can feel whole again, until I feel the you in me. And in those moments all I can think is that...

No fears and limitless, MHF

It Happened Again

Shocked at first, I should have known, should not have been as surprised. It was bound to happen again.

Michael, it happened around the same time as when we went to the beach that fateful day. I had a few drinks just like the day you died, except this time I was frozen in place. For the life of me, I watched the events unfold as opposed to trying to help.

One moment dad and I were enjoying our time together, sitting by a dock on the inlet and the next second, I was thrown into a state of panic and anger. There were three children all around the age of 7 or 8 playing on the dock. One minute they were safe and the next, one had fallen into the ocean. Without pause, a lone ranger dove into the water and rescued him. Scared more than anything, the little boy was saved. Upon seeing the commotion, his family finally came rushing onto the scene. Scared and worried themselves, the little boys' mom scolded him for falling in- like it was his fault, like he wanted to fall in and almost lose his life. I literally had to bite my tongue not to yell at his parents for being so irresponsible. Instead, I sat and watched letting my anger and bitterness build.

Dad had tears in his eyes as we let the scene sink in. I just sat there realizing that the half drink I had already consumed made me tipsy, almost to the point of being drunk. I was drunk the day you died and I was almost drunk the day this little boy almost died. One difference remained: I instantly became sober, realizing we were stuck in a rip tide and knew what I had to do. I instantly realized the effect of the alcohol that I had consumed when I saw that little boy come up from struggling in the water.

Thinking back on that day, I know that it is situations similar to those that will make me grow and open up about you, about the last day we shared together, and about the loss and pain that I will have to face for the rest of my life. Despite all the anger and underlying hurt, I still am looking forward to being reconnected to the ocean as it holds a special place in my heart.

No fears and limitless, MHF