Stupid Girl...Until Now

I woke up with tears in my eyes and in that instant, I knew. I knew that all of my feelings were hitting me at once. Like an unexpected wave from the ocean, I could no longer run. Feeling angry, powerless, and most importantly hurt, I can only stand still as I get hit with everything that I have been avoiding. For in that instant, when I saw the sky turn from black to red to pink to light blue, I knew that it was time. Time for me to face all of my fears and doubts. Time for me to start living my life for me.

Michael, when you died my life became hazy yet crystal clear. I realized just how much I depended on you for everything. Our connection was and is so intertwined that it scares me. Even though I am the only one who can explain our connection, I am rendered speechless by the true depth we actually shared. I am still coming to terms with what it is truly like to be a twin, for I know that you are the person who made me, me.

Since you've been gone I have been searching for someone to fill that void. I have been looking for a hero to swoop in and save me. Becoming bitter by the day, as the one who I thought could be my hero let me drown, I felt hopeless, defeated, and lost. What I did not realize is the hero that I have been patiently waiting for is me. It has been me the entire time.

Scared and nervous yet excited and happy, I am ready to be fully independent. No longer needing the reliance and dependence on you, Michael, I am ready to run wild and free allowing myself to feel every moment.

No fears and limitless, MHF

To Risk Oneself

Michael, on the day you died, in those fourteen hours before, I never felt more alive, more curious about life, more spontaneous, more you. The wonder and feelings I so desperately wanted to feel came to me in copious amounts, washing away all my insecurities. You believed in me thus making me believe in myself- something that I had been looking for through all those years of running on eggshells. In that day, I never felt more complete. 

Than you died, lathering me up with more troubles than I knew were possible. Depriving me of everything that I wanted and deserved to feel, leaving me lost, empty, and knowing nothing. 

Having to fend for myself, for the memory of you, I am unsure if this belief in myself will resurface. If it does, I am in for a long road ahead of me. A road that I need to travel alone, a road that you would have wanted me to travel, a road that will end in my dreams coming true. 

Until then...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Abandonment

To relinquish. To never be in control. To withdraw, desert, give up. 

Our lives have been filled with abandonment. Each time we left mom for dad, each time we left dad for mom. Each goodbye plagued with loss, change, and ceasing normalcy. Each visit representing a new beginning, a new relationship, and a new memory. Each emotion evoking opposites, twinged with complications, and learning that joy and sorrow are in itself embedded within one another. 

Every shift, every change, every relationship, even the simplest, resurrects this notion of abandonment - making nothing easy. Revisiting the years and years of tears, joy, sorrow, and goodbyes burdens each and every one of my decisions. Unapproachable, reserved, and closed off plague my being as my defense builds upon itself. Without warning or control, my walls close with no barge strong enough to crack them, making it nearly impossible to open up to the ones that I so desperately want to be vulnerable with. 

Fearful of abandonment, I've come to realize that my fear has already come true. Even being so connected to you, Michael, I knew that one day you would abandon me. It's not your early and untimely death, I am talking about me. I have abandoned myself, let myself down in so many ways that I am unsure if I will ever recover, ever forgive, ever be truly happy.

I fear that I have lost me and in essence the you that lives in me.

...

No fears and limitless, MHF

In all the world

Michael,

There are days when I look back in time and wonder what life would have been like for you. Had you survived, where would you be now? Had you survived, where would we both be? Had you survived, would you be happy?

Had you survived and I died, would you miss me as much as I miss you? Had you survived and I died, would your heart be as broken as mine? Had you survived and I died, would your life, goals, and dreams have crumbled never to be what they once were?

Had we both died, it would have ended the world for our family and friends. Had we both died, nothing would seem fair. Had we both died, life wouldn't exist as it did before.


But I survived.


Typing those three words, even saying those words is very hard. It took me three years to admit the truth. I still don't want to believe and accept it, Michael, but those words define my life, define me. Knowing I will never understand why, knowing I have to accept my fate before I can accept yours makes me want to run from the painful truth.

But knowing my heart is yours, knowing my love for you is strong gives me hope and strength to accept my survival.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Partners

I couldn't sleep last night. Not because of my upcoming move to Florida, not because of mom's move out of our house into an apartment, but because of March, because of the upcoming three year anniversary, because of all the untouched memories and feelings I have repressed.

Awaking every hour, I imagined and anticipated the long day ahead of me. I thought about you, the life you could have had, the life I could have had, and the life that I have created for myself since you died. In the darkness of the night, where my dreams and nightmares stayed hidden, I went over each time I have felt you. Whether it be your favorite song or a commercial, each and every "sign" that I've come across, I thought was from you.  Last night, that died. I came to the conclusion that these so called signs were just coincidences and my minds way of trying to keep you alive. These signs were in fact just random bits floating into my life for no particular reason, holding no significance.

Then at 6:35 am- an hour since I had risen- Storypeople sent me their daily email. This one holding particular significance.

This saying is one that I use from spring break, the spring break that you died. Comforted by these words, I knew that today wouldn't be as bad as I had anticipated.

I could not have been more wrong. 

Crying is an understatement, balling my eyes out seems to describe my state for the past two hours. Sick to my stomach and head aching, I can't seem to stop. These tears just keep on coming with no end in sight. With moments of just a few glistening tears, I realize that these tears are in fact tears of anger, hurt, and hatred instead of sadness. 

My tears of anger and hatred are my defense. These tears I can handle. It's the tears of hurt that frighten me. They scare me the most. 

Since your death, Michael, pain and hurt have filled my life. Mostly because of you. Our family, the one who you called every day, the one who claimed her love for me, turned on us. Just a few days before the three year anniversary, mom and I have to be out of our house. The house where we have lived our entire life, the house that holds so many of my memories, the house that holds you. Eventually, I knew that we would give up this house but the forcefulness of this move, the timing of it- she did it on purpose. Avoiding life, she is using her feelings against the ones she once loved. As bitter and mean as this sounds, I could care less about my relationship with her. I care more about this house and what it has represented to me for the past twenty-one years. Mostly I am scared. Scared to give up our house, for once I leave what if all of my memories of you disappear along with it? 

Mom isn't the same either. Professionally, personally, and with family she strikes. Lashing out, she thinks that she is the only one affected but she has brought me down too. Her world is crumbling and I, the builder, the carpenter, the cementer, am trying to fix what's broken. Realizing all too late that I am unable to help. Whatever is left in mom is not savable. She is a sinking ship and I bear the burden of silently watching. 

This leads me to you, Michael. I knew that day we were making a mistake. I just wasn't brave enough to voice it. Had I, would it even have mattered? Would you have even heard me? You were so sure and dead set that even me, the one you loved, couldn't have changed your mind. My pleading, wanting, and needing would have gone unnoticed. There was nothing I could do. Now, I'm left in the dust feeling the guilt, loneliness, and resentment while you fly. Never to feel free again, the twisting and turning of my feelings is a knife that jabs, leaving my already broken heart shattered and leaving no hope

.

---

No fears and limitless, MHF

Ode to You

Words escape me so I borrow another's:

I do not love you as if you were a salt-rose, or topaz,   

or arrow of carnations the fire shoots off..  

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,   

in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms 

but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; 

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, 

risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.   

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,  

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,   

so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

- Pablo Neruda

No fears and limitless, MHF

One Month.

4 weeks. 30 days. 720 hours. 43,200 minutes. 1,296,000 seconds.

Until the three year anniversary. 

Already preparing myself, the torture, nightmares, sleepless nights, and loneliness have commenced. Depriving myself of everything, I am going into my great state of depression. My hours of darkness are consuming, overwhelming, and engulfing me- just like the ocean did to you, to me. 

Limiting myself to see very few people as possible, Michael, I find myself craving to see one. For this person, despite my mess, has somehow captured my heart and I his. He is the one person that I open up to, he is the one person that I want so desperately to be vulnerable with, he is the one. 

Whenever I see my captivator, we end up talking about you. This past time, he said a comment that I just cannot seem to get out of my mind. He said that it was weird to think about me having a brother as he has only seen and known me as being an only child. Honestly, Michael, I view myself as an only child. I have repressed you to the point of thinking that you were a fantasy. Our twin connection has died. And sadly, I mourn the loss of that more than you. Am I crazy?

Thinking on his comment more, I realized that we have both lived full lives without one another. He was married before. Already vulnerable, open to a family, open to love, I do not know if he will ever be ready for that commitment again. He also has been in two wars, seen and faced death, seen generosity, I do not know if he will ever be selfish again. From a broken home, I have faced many battles, have seen hatred, have had my soulmate by my side. I do not know if I am willing to give up the life that I have dreamed, the life that I was supposed to have. 

I thought I knew the life that was waiting for me. Twice. In my first life, Michael, we were supposed to grow old together. You were not supposed to leave me, you were supposed to survive. The lone ranger who dove in to save you, was in fact supposed to save you while you were still breathing. We were both just supposed to have been scared and scared from the rip tide. It was not supposed to take a life. 

My second life, life without you, was when I was going to be married to the one who holds my heart upon his return from Afghanistan. I built up my life imaging that dream. Shattered, I am now planning our two different lives. Opposite coasts, opposite feelings, opposite dreams yet always to remain in each others lives. 

In my third life, after giving up everything, I make the second biggest decision of my life: I move. Florida, being both healing and inspiring, is my destination. Whether or not I get into graduate school, whether or not I find a job, whether or not I find you, I may just find myself. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, and confused, this move is key. I need to find me, find the person that I am to become. For finding myself might lead me to my captivator, finding myself might lead me to finding our twin connection, finding myself might lead me to finding you within me, finding myself just might lead me to the life that is waiting for me, a life filled of sparkle and glitter. 

4 weeks. 30 days. 720 hours. 43,200 minutes. 1,296,000 seconds.

Until my third life starts.

-

No fears and limitless, MHF