Hatred

A powerful word, powerful feeling, powerful decision.

I never thought that I would feel hatred in my life. Nor would I have ever thought that this feeling would be associated with you. But it happened, Michael.

I hate you.

You left me. You made the wrong decision. You abandoned me. You were selfish. You made me give you my whole heart. You gave me nothing in return.

You make me not want to love another. You make me so frustrated with life. You make me have to endure life alone. You make me feel powerless. 

My hatred for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it hurts. When I think about you, when I think about the life that I should have had with you, when I think about the lonely life that I will lead, my heart physically hurts. Not the hurt you feel after you've been in an argument with a friend. The hurt you feel when your heart breaks. Michael, each and every time that I feel your abandonment, my heart shatters all over again. 

I remember that night like it happened yesterday. Returning from the hospital, I just laid on the couch. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything. The only thing that I willed myself to do was feel my heart break piece by piece. By the end of that night, my heart was shattered. 

Since that fateful day, I have been building myself back up. It hasn't been easy. Some days I feel as if I should give up, but I don't. I keep going for you, for us. I rebuild myself and with each rebuild, I think that I'm getting stronger. But then I hear a song, see a picture, hear your name, think of a memory and I crumble. Throwing myself back to the time you abandoned me, my hatred starts to build. My walls come up and I get sucked into an abyss of self torture. 

Michael, as much as I can harbor my hatred for you we both know that I'm not being entirely honest. I don't hate you. As much as I want to, I could never hate you. I hate me. I hate the way that my life hasn't turned out the way that I want it to. I hate my hate. For my hate isn't hate at all. It's hurt.

You've hurt me like no one has ever hurt me before or ever will. But I can't even be mad at you, for I know why you hurt me. Knowing that doesn't  make my hurt lessen, it makes it worse. For how can I be hurt by someone who gives their life for others? How can I be hurt knowing that I would have done the same thing? How can I be hurt when deep down we are the same person?

And now I realize that my hurt truly isn't hurt. It's love. My love for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it physically hurts. And even though I know that we can never be together, my love for will never cease. You will always have my heart. I am yours forever. 

No fears and limitless, MHF 

I am here, I am all here

Michael, as easy as that sounds it has been a struggle my entire life. I am not entirely sure why I have never allowed myself to truly be in the moment. What I do know is that it took me 20 years to finally reach the point of waiting to feel alive. And as you know that day was the worst day of our life, my life. 

Since that fateful day, I have either lived in the past or tried to control and predict my future. Never truly being present, I put up walls and boundaries so that I would not feel. For what would happen when I truly felt alive again? Who would die this time? What would happen to me? What would happen to us?

Excitement; no one; rejuvenated; nothing - that's what would happen. And how do I know that Michael? This past weekend I lived in the moment, I went with the flow, I truly allowed myself to feel alive.

While this fear of mine has consumed my life, forcing me to into a lonely, depressed state, I should have feared nothing. I should have trusted you, should have trusted me, should have trusted our connection. 

Michael, I am not saying from here on out that my days will be easy, happy, or momentous. I know that I have plenty of dark days a head of me, plenty of days where I will feel alone and depressed, plenty of days where I will long to be with you. But, hopefully, I will conqueror those days with a new vigor. Hopefully, I will remember how truly magical it is to be fully present. Hopefully, I will find many more days where I am filled with your spirit. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Phantom

"When a woman has seen me, as you have, she belongs to me. She loves me forever." - Gaston Leroux, The Phantom of the Opera

My love for you, my conqueror, was grown from an empty, shattered heart. Sneaking up, the moment I looked into your eyes that day, I knew. I knew that my being would be forever changed. For I saw your soul, your depth, your sorrow, your love. What was seen that day, bonded us together. 

Just like the Phantom haunts Christine, you haunt me, always. Trying to break free, trying to find a new love, trying to live my own life is useless, Michael. For I am forever haunted by this love, by this destiny. Just like Christine, I have a phantom. 

However, my phantom isn't pulling me towards a life of love. He pulls me toward the bitterly dark world of unrequited love. This bitterly dark world that leaves me empty and alone. Sealing my fate, that day I looked into your eyes, you had me. You will always have me, Michael. 

The promises whispered to Christine, those that were once whispered to me, are gone. Abandoned, my love, you have abandoned me. Instead of the hatred that I should feel, I am drawn to you. Our love, our bond, our connection overrides all the heartache you have caused. I will truly never live as I have lived before. I will truly never live if you aren't in my life. 

And in the end, Christine has a choice between her Phantom and Raoul. But I don't. Your promises, your power, your love leaves me no choice. I will forever be haunted by you, my phantom.

"If I am the Phantom, it is because man's hatred has made me so. If I am to be saved, it is because your love redeems me" -Gaston Leroux, The Phantom of the Opera

No fears and limitless, MHF

Say Something, Anything

Michael, I don't understand. I don't think I ever will.

They say that everything happens for a reason. That people are brought into your life for a specific purpose. I don't believe them. For if that was the case, why were you brought into my life? Despite all the happy, blissful moments we shared, they are not worth the earth shattering heartbreak that I am faced with. No amount of joy and love is worth this amount of pain. 

They say that heartbreak is part of life. That it makes people stronger and live richer lives. I don't believe them. For if that was the case, you wouldn't have been brought into my life. Despite all the screaming fights and tears, it hasn't made me love any deeper. No amount of anger and pain will make my life richer. 

They say that if you truly love someone, you know when to let them go. That love doesn't always mean that you will end up together. I do believe them. Despite the years we've been together and the memories of our planned future, it is time for me to let go. I'm not letting go because I think that I will start to feel you again. I am letting go because I truly know that you are my soul mate. I am letting go because I can no longer suffer through this tender sacrifice. 

"Say something, I'm giving up on you" 

- Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Broken

"Broken love is the most dangerous love. It will slice you open with every touch" - The Siren, The Original Sinners by Tiffany Reisz

Hauntingly true, I have thought of little else since I stumbled upon this quote. Michael, our lives, my life has been plagued with this notion. And, I think that it always will.

From the day we could remember, our lives have been filled with broken love. Going back and forth between two parents who hated each other yet whose love for us was endless was painfully heartbreaking. Screaming, tears, and not knowing who to trust plagued our childhood. Our parents' love, a true love that I desperately needed, was broken. 

Trying to piece together the love that I so desperately needed and wanted has fueled my life. Michael, as you know, I believe that love is everything. To me, love can conquer all. Despite our parents broken love, it was our love that helped me conquer our childhood. It was our love that was going to help fuel my future. It was our love that always made everything alright. It was our love until another love took over.

This new love, the love that I feel for my captivator rivals ours. Different yet surprisingly similar, the love I feel for him is so powerful, for I know that together we truly can conquer it all. I know that this love is the love that I've been looking for. It is the love that compliments yours, where together I feel whole and complete. However, I am not sure that my conqueror feels the same. Despite the retching heartbreak that occurs every time I think that we won't end up together, it is not this love that scares me.  

Michael, it is the love that we shared that scares me the most. Despite how many broken loves remain broken or are mended in my lifetime, ours will never be as it once was. Our love terrifies me as I have to live the rest of my life knowing that a song, a place, or even a moment in time can rip me open and strip me until I'm rendered speechless and vulnerable. It is this notion that makes living without you almost impossible. Our love once helped me conquer a difficult time in our lives. Our love once made me feel that everything would be alright. But it is our love that will always remain broken.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Not all those who wander...

Michael, there is a famous quote that begins with "not all those who wander...", I'm sure that you know the rest. This famed quote has been on my mind lately. Why do you ask?

Because I find it inspirational.

Because it gives me clarity. 

Because I am a wanderer.

This last fact is hard for me to admit. As you know, Michael, our entire life I have had everything planned and controlled. Everything that I do is strategic, for everything that I do has a purpose. You were the exact opposite. 

When you died, we were both going through transitions. Just ending our junior year of college, we had the world as our oyster. Plagued with questions about our past and future, we were just figuring everything out. We were just babies. 

But everything changed the day you died, the day that I almost died. My planned life was no longer planned. My control ceased to exist. Everything that I knew, including you, was gone. Or so I thought...

Always scared that the uncertainty we had and felt growing up would hinder me, I lost my true self. I got caught up in trying to predict and plan the future that I never truly lived in the moment. It wasn't until the day that you died where I truly let my guard down. That day was the first day where I let my worries and fears fade, for that day was meant for us to spend in bliss.

Ever since that fateful day I thought that I had lost you, lost us, for I was still trying to control everything. It wasn't until a friend recently reminded me: "not all those who wander are lost", where everything clicked. 

I had become a wanderer. 

Scared that my life was leading me down a path that I wanted no part of, I didn't know what to do. After a few days, I received clarity. Michael, I haven't lost you. I haven't lost us. I, in fact, have found you, I have found the you in me. 

Always having a gypsy soul and the need to wander, Michael, you have been my inspiration. I have always fought as hard as I could, not realizing my true destiny. Nowhere near where I thought my life would be, I am learning to embrace the wanderer in me. For I know that all of my dreams will eventually come true. 

But I can rest assured because now, I know that we are wandering together. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

I am Able

Michael, I am in the midst of reading a book quoted as "Not just a book but a spontaneous act of generosity" by the Washington Post. And thus far, it is. It has given my life a deeper meaning and I am only on page forty-four.

This book quotes another, "Dr. Hilde Bruch, in the preface to her book Learning Psychotherapy, states that basically all patients come to the psychiatrists with 'one common problem: the sense of helplessness, the fear and inner conviction of being unable to cope and to change things'" - M. Scott Peck. But that is not why I entered psychotherapy. I entered because I knew I had no other choice. There was no other choice but to become even more connected to you. There was no other choice but to become even stronger than I already was.

As soon as I washed up on shore, I was able. Able to help myself. Able to give into the fear. Able to cope. Able to give into my strength, our strength. And through psychotherapy, I am able to connect to you more.

Strange as it sounds, I am becoming more connected to you, to myself by becoming connected to another. My whole life, as you know, I have been closed off, with you being the only exception. Not wanting to open up, not wanting to show my true self, not wanting to be vulnerable. Only wanting to protect us, only wanting to escape, only wanting to control. But through psychotherapy, I am learning how to embrace freedom, the freedom of my feelings, the freedom of losing you, the freedom of life. 

It is through days where I am supposed to meet with my therapist but we are unable, where I realize the pain of being so interconnected with someone. Scared at first, as you Michael, were the only one that I wanted to be that connected with; now, happy that someone can truly understand what I am going through. But also scared knowing that I won't find many more who share my depth, our depth. 

And as much as I am able, I am still unable to change those things that I wish I could change the most...

No fears and limitless, MHF