The Time Is Now

Michael, honestly I'm starting to write this post and have no idea how to say this.

You and I both know what it feels like to have a soulmate.

Growing up in a native world. I thought that soulmates were a once in a lifetime experience. Yes, I've had connections with people before, but I thought that the person that you were supposed to end up with was a soulmate. And I thought that a soulmate was a once in a lifetime experience.

To me, a soulmate is how you define love. With a soulmate, you have a connection and love that never wavers. Through thick and thin, you always have a partner.

Between you and my conquerer, you both had my heart and my entire soul. To me, you both were it. I know that in that in this lifetime, you only get a few soulmates. And to be perfectly honest, Michael, if you and my conquerer were the only two that I ever truly experience, I would be perfectly fine with that.

But then something happened. Both of my soulmates moved on without me. While you were taken with a force, my other soulmate slowly realized that he wasn't ready. He moved on much earlier than me and now has an entire life of his own.

But to be honest, I'm happy for you both. Michael, you don't have to see or experience the harshness of life. You are blessed with being naive and only knowing the life you had. And while I used to envy that, I know that I wouldn't be me without all of my experiences. As for my conquerer, he has had a much more complete life than I could have ever imaged. Seeing love and war, I can only imagine the life that he has to see and overcome. While I know that you are gone, Michael, I know that my conquerer has to still live his life fully. I still have to live my life fully.

In the past seven years, I have come to learn that soulmates aren't just one person. They can be a few individuals who make a profound impact. To me, a soulmate is someone that you love no matter what. For you will always be connected to them.

And while I used to think that I would only get two in my lifetime, I was mistaken. While I've had two who randomly enter my life and find me, I also know that I have at least one more out there. While he might not be as easy to find or to open up to, I know that I have another person out there who understands my soul.

And even though the process may be long, I can promise this: to the best of my ability, I will be open, straightforward and myself. For this is the only way that I can find my other soulmate, the one that I'm supposed to spend my life with. I only hope that he is patient and understanding of me.

From now on, I will truly try to live with no fears and limitless, MHF.

Time Provides A Band-Aid, Nothing More

Time heals all wounds, well it's supposed to but it doesn't. Instead, time has provided me with a band-aid that falls off pretty frequently.

While I admit that my band-aid can stay on for several months, in the blink of an eye and with no warning at all, my band-aid falls off. Leaving me with no sense of security or protection, my wound becomes infected with thoughts of you, Michael.

Going back to that fateful day, my thoughts and heart become solely focused on you and the life that we could have lived together. For if you didn't die, where would we be today? Where would we live? Where would we work? Who would we be as people? How would my life be different if you hadn't died? I could sit here and fantasize but I will never know. No one will ever know.

And in my weakest of moments, when my wound is squeezed tight with the emotions of losing you, I can't help but succumb to you. Dragged into some very dark thoughts, it's then when I don't think life is worth living. I know, Michael. I know that you would want me to live my life for the both of us, but some days I just can't. Do you know what it's like to lose your other half? Your soul mate? No, no you don't. And you never will.

While you're at peace, I'm struggling to be happy. I'm struggling to keep my heart from breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. I'm struggling not to break down and cry. I'm struggling to not miss you every second of every day. I'm struggling to live life for you. I struggle with all aspects of life. And I know that my struggles will never end .... 

And just when I think that I can't handle anymore, my band-aid appears and I'm momentarily saved. 

So while people often think that time heals all wounds, they are mistaken. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just provides a band-aid, nothing more.

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Need You Now

"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"

- Need You Now, Lady Antebellum

Michael, this song was once dedicated to you. In fact, I know I've written to you in my dark days about this song. For it encapsulates the love that I have for you and our connection. I don't know how many times I've thought to myself that "I need Michael now", and I know that I will have many more of those moments. I know that I will have them until the day that I die. 

But something has changed,

On my drive home tonight, that song turned on the radio. And while it affected me, it didn't affect me like it has in the past. Usually, thoughts of you flooded my mind and tears instantly formed in my eyes, but that didn't happen tonight. 

Tonight, I've thought of a guy who has been separated from me for two weeks. While I know that time span seems like it's nothing, it has in fact felt like an eternity. For in the few months that I've known him, he has become someone that I treasure. Honestly, up until this point in my life, I never knew that I could feel this way for another human being. I know that it sounds clique, but even in the moments that I've felt love, nothing has compared to this separation.

To be honest, it scared me at first. It still scares me. For in my mind and heart, I don't want anyone else to see me the way that you have, Michael. But if I really want to find my life partner, I have to show him all of me.

Given our history, I've known that this path to love wouldn't be easy. I knew that I would struggle, try to sabotage it, and walk away, but at the end of the day, I can't. No matter how much I want to pursue our connection, I have to open myself up. Unfortunately, you can't be the only person who sees my soul. 

This isn't easy for me to type or even to admit, but it's the truth. And I know that if you were alive, you would want me to give up the hold that you have on my heart. If you were alive, this would be a million times easier. But you aren't, and I have to finally face and deal with the decisions that I've made and come to terms with what life has thrown at me. At the end of the day, no matter who holds my heart I want you to know that I am and always will be yours. You are my soulmate, you are my everything, you are me.

I love you, Michael.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Joy & Sorrow: An Inseparable Mix

It wasn't until this very moment in time where I truly feel the impact and meaning of one of my favorites quotes:

"The deeper that sorrow craves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

~ Kahlil Gibran, On Joy and Sorrow

Michael, losing you nearly killed me. Both literally and figuratively. While there have been many times where I wished that it had, today I feel the true impact of sorrow and the ramifications of losing you, my soul mate. Instead of feeling intense sorrow and heart wrenching pain, I feel the power and strength of my love. 

While I find myself in the same position as I was in six years ago, today it just feels different. Six years ago, I met someone who quickly stole my heart. Without knowing how, why, or when, I was captivated. Holding me as his prisoner, when he left for a year long deployment in Afghanistan, all I could think about was how much I would miss him and what would happen to me if he died. For in those short months before he left, he turned into you Michael. I honestly think that's why I held onto him for all those years. Yes, he was my captivator and we shared a deep, intimate connection but I had turned him into you. And I didn't want to lose you for a second time.

Today, I said goodbye to someone who means a lot to me. While he will only be gone for a month in Latvia, all I can think about is the life that we will be starting together upon his return. For in the few short months that we've known each other, he has turned into someone who means a lot to me. Yes, I will miss him more than words can describe but it's in my moments of missing him where I can feel just how much love I am capable of feeling and having for another human being. 

And it's this new level of love that is very bittersweet. For I know that if I didn't lose you, Michael, I wouldn't be capable of this level of emotional intimacy. So you see, you're the sorrow that cut me so very deeply. Once hurt, raw, and empty, I now know that the loss of you has given me a gift, a gift of feeling joy and happiness like I've never felt before. It's in this moment, where I thank you. While I will always wish that you survived, I thank you for allowing me to love another person as deeply as I loved you. 

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Kryptonate

You are my kryptonate. Since I seem to always find a way to survive, even the toughest of situations and circumstances, I am superman and you are my kryptonate.

While I never like being superman, it's times that I feel connected to you that make that status so much more bearable. Oftentimes I get lost in the loss of you, but when I feel your presence, I can't help but feel inspired. And that inspiration fuels me for months and even years.

Don't get me wrong, I do get lost in the loss of you and I do often feel that loss and hurt very easily. But when I have my moments of you, it's one-thousand percent worth it. And ironically, it's in my moments of life (and love) when I feel as if I moved on, when I really feel connected to you. It's also in those moments of "giving up" when I feel your presence and when you "come to me".

I don't know why I doubt our connection, but when I feel these moments, I get confirmation that we are always and will always be on the same page. You once told me that love is a connection that never dies, and the more I see and learn, the more I truly understand that. Wise beyond your years, you give me hope for life and love.

You are my soulmate (in more ways than one) and I will never lose that.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Emotionally Hurt

Emotionally hurt, emotionally abused - whatever it may be, I've been like that since birth. Only knowing selfish love, my entire life I've been putting up walls to protect myself and to guard my heart. For you see, I've never really learned how to fully love another person. For me, love has a price and I learned from a very young age that the price is never worth it.

The trauma that I've seen in my life has formed and shaped me into someone who has shielded myself from the one thing that I've desired the most: true love. While I'm learning to break down my walls, I'm realizing that my guard is stronger than I thought it was. This wall that I've built makes me take a different approach to relationships and love:

1. I'm gentle and at times very fragile. I will keep my distance, especially in the early stages of a relationship, because I don't want to seem overbearing or too vulnerable. I will give space but in return, I need to know that I'm thought of or else I will start to second guess my feelings and become defensive.

2. My heart will be guarded. As you well know Michael, my heart has been tattered, shattered, and torn into a million pieces by my abusers. It's become so hard that it's a thick shield of armor. But deep down, it's a ball of mush. Melting in the tenderest of moments where I truly feel loved and connected to another person, my heart will become theirs. But until I really trust someone, I ...

3. Won't open up easily. I will have my moments of bearing my soul but it's usually an "up in the air" thing. Because once my heart is fully open, I'll let out a flood of overwhelming emotions which will only scary someone away.

4. I will want to go slow (emotionally). While I'm fully capable of eventually becoming vulnerable, with me it's a journey. I won't reveal too much at once, especially if I'm sharing something that will make a suitor run away. I'll take it one step at a time, becoming more vulnerable along the way. I just ask for patience and understanding in return.

5. I'll put thought into the relationship. Because I've been told that I'm loving wrong so many times in the past, I'll put a lot of thought into a relationship. Why? Because for once, I want to get it right.

6. I'm (secretly) afraid. Since I do infrequently experience and meet people who I can truly connect with, I will be terrified when I meet someone amazing. I will get extremely anxious and scared as they might just be a dream. Or worse, they might leave me.

7. Affectionate is my middle name. I adore and crave cuddling, kisses on the forehead, hand holding, and hugs. Why? Because it takes all of my fears and insecurities wash away.

8. I will forever be loyal. At the end of the day when I give my heart to someone, they will always have a piece of me. I do this because my deepest wish is that someone will be there for me.

So while I can wallow in the fact that being emotionally hurt has destroyed my relationships, at the same time all of my experiences have helped me become the person that I am. While I know that I might still remain unlovable right now, I hope that eventually I'll find someone who will love me for me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Shame On Me

People don't realize how hard it is for me to open up and become comfortable enough to share my most intimate self. I know I'm not uniquely alone in this, but with a history of 27 years of pain, anger, and hurt, peeling back my layers isn't an easy task. Even those that I've known for years and trust with all of my heart, don't get to see the true me all the time. I just can't help it. Wanting so desperately to change, at times I feel as if I will never become the person that I want to be. 

Despite this traumatic and painful childhood, I still have a dream of getting married and raising a family. While this dream started from a very young age, I still like to believe that it is in my future. In the past, I've struggled with vulnerability in relationships. Choosing the wrong guys on purpose gave me a reason to always have my guard up and to never truly commit. Then you died.

With your death, part of me died. The part that died was replaced with a newfound strength. This strength is fueled by you, Michael. For everything that I do is for the both of us. I'm living my life and I'm living the life that you should have lived. For now and always, I'm living for the both of us. 

And with this new take on life, I'm being more strategic. Digging deeper into understanding what makes me "me" and how I can better myself, I'm also trying to become more open and vulnerable. I'm trying to find my soul mate. But that's easier said than done.

 Lately, I've met two individuals who I felt connected to right from the start. Instead of running away or trying to sabotage it, I was uniquely myself. And you know what Michael, they seemed to like me for me. Until they didn't. While one had the courage to say something, the other ghosted me. Leaving me wondering and wanting more, but just like your death, those questions will never be answered. I'm left with thoughts and feelings of loss, hurt, and disappointment. For the courage it took me to be my true self was uncomfortable and really hard. I thought that it would have been worth it, but alas I was wrong. 

And while I would like to say that I'm willing to try again and not lose hope, I'm just not sure that my heart can take it. While only knowing these two individuals for a short time, the pain that I'm feeling right now is a fresh wound and reminder that should I had gotten closer, the pain of them leaving me would be infinitely greater than what I'm feeling right now. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think that I could handle that. For one can only take so much pain in a lifetime, and I'm afraid that my quota is almost filled. So while I have't lost all of my hope just yet, I can honestly say ... 

And with that I think it might be time for me to redefine my goal and focus my efforts elsewhere. But who knows, maybe I'll remain foolish a bit longer.

No fears and limitless, MHF