It wasn't until this very moment in time where I truly feel the impact and meaning of one of my favorites quotes:
"The deeper that sorrow craves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
~ Kahlil Gibran, On Joy and Sorrow
Michael, losing you nearly killed me. Both literally and figuratively. While there have been many times where I wished that it had, today I feel the true impact of sorrow and the ramifications of losing you, my soul mate. Instead of feeling intense sorrow and heart wrenching pain, I feel the power and strength of my love.
While I find myself in the same position as I was in six years ago, today it just feels different. Six years ago, I met someone who quickly stole my heart. Without knowing how, why, or when, I was captivated. Holding me as his prisoner, when he left for a year long deployment in Afghanistan, all I could think about was how much I would miss him and what would happen to me if he died. For in those short months before he left, he turned into you Michael. I honestly think that's why I held onto him for all those years. Yes, he was my captivator and we shared a deep, intimate connection but I had turned him into you. And I didn't want to lose you for a second time.
Today, I said goodbye to someone who means a lot to me. While he will only be gone for a month in Latvia, all I can think about is the life that we will be starting together upon his return. For in the few short months that we've known each other, he has turned into someone who means a lot to me. Yes, I will miss him more than words can describe but it's in my moments of missing him where I can feel just how much love I am capable of feeling and having for another human being.
And it's this new level of love that is very bittersweet. For I know that if I didn't lose you, Michael, I wouldn't be capable of this level of emotional intimacy. So you see, you're the sorrow that cut me so very deeply. Once hurt, raw, and empty, I now know that the loss of you has given me a gift, a gift of feeling joy and happiness like I've never felt before. It's in this moment, where I thank you. While I will always wish that you survived, I thank you for allowing me to love another person as deeply as I loved you.
No fears and limitless, MHF.
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