Goodbye In My Eyes

Recently, I have had to say goodbye. While I had not known this person for a long time, our connection was rare and deep. As my hour long car ride was filled with tears running down my check, it was in that moment that I knew. I knew that if we had had our goodbye, I wouldn't have survived.

For years, all I have wanted was one simple goodbye. But we both know that our goodbye would not have been simple. With our history, our connection, our love, there has never been anything simple about us. And while I have felt robbed by you, by our lack of goodbye, I have come to realize that maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

For if I had been granted my wish, I would have been greedy and wanted more. For if I had been granted our goodbye, I would not have known what to say. For if we had said goodbye, the silence remaining between us would have killed me even more than your sudden vanishing act.

These past few years have been plagued with this notion as those lonesome, depressed nights were almost too intense to bear. And it is through my wondering, wandering, and that hour long car ride filled with sad love songs that I am filled with hope. With the hope that I have been spared from another hardship that I would have had to overcome. While there will always be times of heartache, pain, and wishing, our lack of goodbye has, in fact, saved me.

It is on this cold Florida night, with a heavy heart and goodbye in my eyes, that I bid you adieu. Goodbye my soul mate...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Powerless

On the eve of the beginning of the end of the holiday season, on the eve when I am supposed to travel to celebrate Grandma's 90th birthday, on the eve of a night that should have been filled with happiness, I find myself wretched with the awful notion that I am powerless. I am powerless to it all, Michael.

After you died, it hit me that there is very little that I can control. A fact, that although we created a controlled life despite the out-of-control situations our parents put us in, was just a fantasy and a way of trying to make sense of all the madness. Losing this ability to control, while a difficult task, was not as hard as it should have been because I realized that I still had power: The power of our love, my love. And with my love came an enchanting force that people wanted to be around. A power, while not used for evil, was a force that help guided loved ones back to me. This force, my power, my love is no longer.

Waking up from yet another dream where I lost you Michael, waking up from an email saying that Grandma's birthday is canceled and she won't be in town, waking up and realizing that my conqueror is no longer mine, all I could do was cry. There was nothing to say, nothing to think, nothing to feel but loss.

While my power came with my love, it also came with my vulnerabilities, an aspect that I only show those that I love the most. And while,

I cannot be vulnerable anymore. My heart has been ripped open and stamped on far too many times. And while life is never what it should be, I never thought that my life would be filled with this much hatred, powerlessness, and loss.  

For those that I love the most, you Michael, Grandma, and my conqueror I have come to realize that I will never see again. And while I have loved and lost due to circumstances out of my control, that doesn't soften the blow. It just makes it that much harder for me to realize that my influence, my power, my love is in fact not strong at all. It is a fleeting force.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Another First

And here it goes, Michael. I am spending the holiday season with no distractions. The first since you died.

Subconsciously, I have been preparing for this holiday season since June. Plagued with a loneliness so intense, it has been hard to breathe some days. With wandering thoughts of when this depressive, lonely state will vanish it strikes me that it will be this way for a long time. While there feels as if there is no light to be found in my darkened world, I still hold on to hope that one day the light will be there.

It is with this hope that one day, I will start to feel you, really feel you. As with this depth of loneliness, I crave for a connection, our connection. And with each passing day, my longing for you, for us deepens. I am honestly not sure how long this will last, how long I will last.

And while I struggle to find the you that is in me, I can't help but wish that someone, any one, will come to my rescue. But will that really help me? Will I ever find someone who understands my depth? Will I ever find someone who completes me the way that you did? Will I ever find happiness and peace?

It is with this hope that I wish that my loneliness will wither up and that my love for you will find love in another. It is with belief in you, in us that I know that my loneliness is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless. I believe that this loneliness will heal me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Forever Changed

We were at our childhood home. A mix of family, high school friends, and current co-workers were gathered. A friend came to me. She said that she needed my help burying something. We went out to the back yard. I remember that the ground was so soggy. Soft and soggy. My gut told me that something wasn't right, something was off about that grass. I ignored it.

I started digging in the dirt. It was cold, hard, and sticky. All of a sudden, it hit me. I was sitting in a pile of quicksand. Struggling at first as only my ankles were stuck, I quickly became engulfed within the sand. Screaming for help while my friend went for my rescue, I knew that this might not end well. Right before you came rushing out Michael, my chest grew heavy. The quicksand was quick with its' murderous attempt. Right as I was giving up hope, you came rushing towards me. I reached out to you and pushed as you pulled and tried to release me from the quicksands hold. Our first attempt failed. Then I decided to give up. As you pulled me toward safety, I just laid there, limp as a leaf. It worked. For this time, you saved me from the quicksand.

In my nightmares, it is usually I who saves you Michael. And it is within those nightmares where I fail each and every time. My nights are then consumed with the painful loss all over again. I wake up and feel the heavy burden of living life without you, my soul mate.

In this nightmare, I wasn't scared. In fact, I wouldn't even classify it as a nightmare. I was relatively calm throughout the entire dream. It was only when I saw your face where hope filled me. But that feeling quickly faded. For once I was rescued, I woke up and realized that you in fact hadn't saved me. I hadn't saved you. You are still gone and I am still here.

No Fears and limitless, MHF

To Live is To Lose

As I embark on a once in a lifetime adventure, I can't help but pause and think about you. What adventure do you have in front of you? What adventure did we have in front of us? If everything went according to plan that fateful day, where would we be? Where would you be? Where would I be?

The thoughts of our future, the future we should have shared together, saddens my heart. Why did life have to turn out like this? Why did I survive? Why did I survive without you?

If you hadn't turned away from me that day, would life have turned out the way that I wanted? If it had would I be as satisfied as I think I would have been? Or am I just imagining that life would have been perfect with you, with us together? 

All I know is that life without you, knowing that you are in a better place without me, is slowly eating away at my soul. Maybe if I hadn't been so caught up in the future, our present would have been so much more magical. Maybe if I hadn't been caught up in the past, I could have lived moment to moment with you. Now, I will never know, 

Once mine, I have now lost you. The memories of our love, our life, our connection pains me. Our future would have been perfect, we would have been perfect. Obviously life had other plans for you, for me, for us. Now, I sit here and ponder what I could have done, what I could have said to ensure that we stayed together forever. 

And as much as I wish I had never known you, as much as I wish that I was crazy in thinking of the connection we shared, I know what we had. While that doesn't make my feelings easier to overcome, at least I know that once upon a time, my soul was happy. And once more my soul will be happy, it just may take a while.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Hatred

A powerful word, powerful feeling, powerful decision.

I never thought that I would feel hatred in my life. Nor would I have ever thought that this feeling would be associated with you. But it happened, Michael.

I hate you.

You left me. You made the wrong decision. You abandoned me. You were selfish. You made me give you my whole heart. You gave me nothing in return.

You make me not want to love another. You make me so frustrated with life. You make me have to endure life alone. You make me feel powerless. 

My hatred for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it hurts. When I think about you, when I think about the life that I should have had with you, when I think about the lonely life that I will lead, my heart physically hurts. Not the hurt you feel after you've been in an argument with a friend. The hurt you feel when your heart breaks. Michael, each and every time that I feel your abandonment, my heart shatters all over again. 

I remember that night like it happened yesterday. Returning from the hospital, I just laid on the couch. I couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't do anything. The only thing that I willed myself to do was feel my heart break piece by piece. By the end of that night, my heart was shattered. 

Since that fateful day, I have been building myself back up. It hasn't been easy. Some days I feel as if I should give up, but I don't. I keep going for you, for us. I rebuild myself and with each rebuild, I think that I'm getting stronger. But then I hear a song, see a picture, hear your name, think of a memory and I crumble. Throwing myself back to the time you abandoned me, my hatred starts to build. My walls come up and I get sucked into an abyss of self torture. 

Michael, as much as I can harbor my hatred for you we both know that I'm not being entirely honest. I don't hate you. As much as I want to, I could never hate you. I hate me. I hate the way that my life hasn't turned out the way that I want it to. I hate my hate. For my hate isn't hate at all. It's hurt.

You've hurt me like no one has ever hurt me before or ever will. But I can't even be mad at you, for I know why you hurt me. Knowing that doesn't  make my hurt lessen, it makes it worse. For how can I be hurt by someone who gives their life for others? How can I be hurt knowing that I would have done the same thing? How can I be hurt when deep down we are the same person?

And now I realize that my hurt truly isn't hurt. It's love. My love for you runs deep. It runs so deep that it physically hurts. And even though I know that we can never be together, my love for will never cease. You will always have my heart. I am yours forever. 

No fears and limitless, MHF 

I am here, I am all here

Michael, as easy as that sounds it has been a struggle my entire life. I am not entirely sure why I have never allowed myself to truly be in the moment. What I do know is that it took me 20 years to finally reach the point of waiting to feel alive. And as you know that day was the worst day of our life, my life. 

Since that fateful day, I have either lived in the past or tried to control and predict my future. Never truly being present, I put up walls and boundaries so that I would not feel. For what would happen when I truly felt alive again? Who would die this time? What would happen to me? What would happen to us?

Excitement; no one; rejuvenated; nothing - that's what would happen. And how do I know that Michael? This past weekend I lived in the moment, I went with the flow, I truly allowed myself to feel alive.

While this fear of mine has consumed my life, forcing me to into a lonely, depressed state, I should have feared nothing. I should have trusted you, should have trusted me, should have trusted our connection. 

Michael, I am not saying from here on out that my days will be easy, happy, or momentous. I know that I have plenty of dark days a head of me, plenty of days where I will feel alone and depressed, plenty of days where I will long to be with you. But, hopefully, I will conqueror those days with a new vigor. Hopefully, I will remember how truly magical it is to be fully present. Hopefully, I will find many more days where I am filled with your spirit. 

No fears and limitless, MHF