My Hope

No fears and limitless, MHF 

Sinister

Lately I've been having nightmares. I switch back and forth between two. Both revolve around you. Both deal with the fact that I survived. Both are about no one understanding the pain I have endured. In both dreams, I end up unharmed and alone. Alone yet unharmed.

I know that the holiday season is always tough for me but I couldn't figure it out. Why was I having all those nightmares? Why have I been crying almost everyday? Why have I been losing my breathe with every thought of you? Why have I lost all of my motivation?

12-12-12

Michael, you died March 12, 2010. The 12th has huge significance for me. The first year, I would relive your death on the 12th of every month. Now, I am often hit hard with pain, guilt, and loss on the 12th but not of every month. It often sneaks up on me, leaving me in a state of depression for a week.

I wasn't hit with the reason for my drought of happiness until last night when I finally realized the date. Triple whamming. Subconsciously, I knew. I knew that 12-12-12 was approaching. I prepared myself by building up my walls, shutting off, shutting down, and torturing myself in every way possible. For my life is now a journey, a journey without you.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Love = Life

All my love, all my life

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

Just Love

Michael, when we were both in the water I knew. I knew that we were caught in a rip tide. I knew that I couldn't swim towards you. I knew that I had to swim parallel to shore until I could no longer breathe then have the waves bring me in. I knew that I had to save myself first. I knew that in those moments I could only think of you, love you, wish for the best.

Since you died, my love has grown. For it is my love for you that keeps me alive. It is love that has sustained me. 

And it is the love of another that I crave so desperately. 

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Nearness of You

- Postsecret 

Michael, since you've died I have done everything with a purpose. I have always been strategic and everything that I do, I do for a reason. But when you died, I thought that I survived to live your life. I knew that my life became yours.

Psychological numbing- whether it's self protecting or self destructing, I lost you. I lost you in more ways than one. Struggling to feel you again, a force overtook me. Being near to you became my new dream.

I built up my life around you and those that made me think of you. I put you first. Now, I am not sure where my life ends and yours begins. I don't know if I'm living my dream or yours. Our interconnectedness, though special and precious, is at times overwhelming. I don't know what to do anymore.

Maybe that's what happens when you lose your sibling, your twin, your best friend, your soulmate. Maybe I am so wrapped up in trying to feel you that I lost sight of myself, lost sight of my purpose in life. Or maybe all along my purpose, my fate, my destiny is to have a life of struggle.

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Holidays

Thanksgiving has passed and the holiday season is officially underway. Besides the day you died and our birthday- this time of year is the hardest for me. From Halloween until the new year, I find myself in a struggling haze. 

I clam up,

disappear.

There are no words to describe my thoughts and feelings during this time. The need to be alone overwhelms me. I constantly give into this notion and become consumed with depression and self torturing until I fall into a black hole.

No hope of seeing light

No hope of anything.

I don't know how or why I have survived for this long. I think about everyone else who has faced tragedy and wonder how they survived. Is there some secret that I'm missing? Is this my fate? Will my life always be like this? Will the good always be plagued with the bad? Will I always feel guilty? Will I ever find someone who will understand and appreciate this part of my life? But most importantly, will I ever forgive myself? 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Divided Life

Part one and part two. Before death and after death. Old me and new me. 

Always divided. 

Michael, this is my life. This will always be my life. Comparing, torturing, and anxiously anticipating the future while wondering what life would be like if you had survived. 

......No fears and limitless, MHF