Michael, it has almost been three years since I've written to you. While these writing sessions always make me feel close to you, I've found that I'm incorporating you into my life in other ways that seem so natural. It's almost as if we are truly so close that we are one.
In my last post, I was coming to terms with soulmates and everlasting love. I was convinced that I had one more soulmate out there in the world. Not knowing how long I would have to wait, I vowed to you that I would be patient.
That patience has paid off. I met the man that I'm supposed to spend my life with. In fact, we're now married, but you already know that because you were there. Almost 10 years to the day that we were last alive together, I married my husband in almost the same exact spot in Florida. Even though you physically weren't there, you were there in spirit. I know you were there watching over us that day, and will continue to watch over us.
It's interesting how my trauma creeps in during those big life moments that you're supposed to be here for. Depending on the moment affects how the trauma triggers me. For instance, in Florida before I was getting married, I wasn't sad. I was confident in my decision and knew that Florida was the only place I could get married. Any other place, I would have been a wreck. It wouldn't have felt right. But Florida is my place, our place.
Other big life moments have crept in over the last few months, and it has triggered my trauma in a way that has produced anxiety. This anxiety has overcome my thoughts with feelings of loss. What happens if I lose someone I love unexpectedly again? Can I survive that? I honestly don't know. It will take my entire life to survive the loss of you, but will I be okay if I lose another loved one?
Loss is part of living. You can't have joy without sorrow, and I know that I will experience plenty more loss in my life. I only hope that this time, I am able to say goodbye before losing them.
Until then, I will try to keep these feelings of unexpected loss at bay and focus on the positive.
No fears and limitless, MHF.
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