Say Something, Anything

Michael, I don't understand. I don't think I ever will.

They say that everything happens for a reason. That people are brought into your life for a specific purpose. I don't believe them. For if that was the case, why were you brought into my life? Despite all the happy, blissful moments we shared, they are not worth the earth shattering heartbreak that I am faced with. No amount of joy and love is worth this amount of pain. 

They say that heartbreak is part of life. That it makes people stronger and live richer lives. I don't believe them. For if that was the case, you wouldn't have been brought into my life. Despite all the screaming fights and tears, it hasn't made me love any deeper. No amount of anger and pain will make my life richer. 

They say that if you truly love someone, you know when to let them go. That love doesn't always mean that you will end up together. I do believe them. Despite the years we've been together and the memories of our planned future, it is time for me to let go. I'm not letting go because I think that I will start to feel you again. I am letting go because I truly know that you are my soul mate. I am letting go because I can no longer suffer through this tender sacrifice. 

"Say something, I'm giving up on you" 

- Say Something by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Broken

"Broken love is the most dangerous love. It will slice you open with every touch" - The Siren, The Original Sinners by Tiffany Reisz

Hauntingly true, I have thought of little else since I stumbled upon this quote. Michael, our lives, my life has been plagued with this notion. And, I think that it always will.

From the day we could remember, our lives have been filled with broken love. Going back and forth between two parents who hated each other yet whose love for us was endless was painfully heartbreaking. Screaming, tears, and not knowing who to trust plagued our childhood. Our parents' love, a true love that I desperately needed, was broken. 

Trying to piece together the love that I so desperately needed and wanted has fueled my life. Michael, as you know, I believe that love is everything. To me, love can conquer all. Despite our parents broken love, it was our love that helped me conquer our childhood. It was our love that was going to help fuel my future. It was our love that always made everything alright. It was our love until another love took over.

This new love, the love that I feel for my captivator rivals ours. Different yet surprisingly similar, the love I feel for him is so powerful, for I know that together we truly can conquer it all. I know that this love is the love that I've been looking for. It is the love that compliments yours, where together I feel whole and complete. However, I am not sure that my conqueror feels the same. Despite the retching heartbreak that occurs every time I think that we won't end up together, it is not this love that scares me.  

Michael, it is the love that we shared that scares me the most. Despite how many broken loves remain broken or are mended in my lifetime, ours will never be as it once was. Our love terrifies me as I have to live the rest of my life knowing that a song, a place, or even a moment in time can rip me open and strip me until I'm rendered speechless and vulnerable. It is this notion that makes living without you almost impossible. Our love once helped me conquer a difficult time in our lives. Our love once made me feel that everything would be alright. But it is our love that will always remain broken.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Not all those who wander...

Michael, there is a famous quote that begins with "not all those who wander...", I'm sure that you know the rest. This famed quote has been on my mind lately. Why do you ask?

Because I find it inspirational.

Because it gives me clarity. 

Because I am a wanderer.

This last fact is hard for me to admit. As you know, Michael, our entire life I have had everything planned and controlled. Everything that I do is strategic, for everything that I do has a purpose. You were the exact opposite. 

When you died, we were both going through transitions. Just ending our junior year of college, we had the world as our oyster. Plagued with questions about our past and future, we were just figuring everything out. We were just babies. 

But everything changed the day you died, the day that I almost died. My planned life was no longer planned. My control ceased to exist. Everything that I knew, including you, was gone. Or so I thought...

Always scared that the uncertainty we had and felt growing up would hinder me, I lost my true self. I got caught up in trying to predict and plan the future that I never truly lived in the moment. It wasn't until the day that you died where I truly let my guard down. That day was the first day where I let my worries and fears fade, for that day was meant for us to spend in bliss.

Ever since that fateful day I thought that I had lost you, lost us, for I was still trying to control everything. It wasn't until a friend recently reminded me: "not all those who wander are lost", where everything clicked. 

I had become a wanderer. 

Scared that my life was leading me down a path that I wanted no part of, I didn't know what to do. After a few days, I received clarity. Michael, I haven't lost you. I haven't lost us. I, in fact, have found you, I have found the you in me. 

Always having a gypsy soul and the need to wander, Michael, you have been my inspiration. I have always fought as hard as I could, not realizing my true destiny. Nowhere near where I thought my life would be, I am learning to embrace the wanderer in me. For I know that all of my dreams will eventually come true. 

But I can rest assured because now, I know that we are wandering together. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

I am Able

Michael, I am in the midst of reading a book quoted as "Not just a book but a spontaneous act of generosity" by the Washington Post. And thus far, it is. It has given my life a deeper meaning and I am only on page forty-four.

This book quotes another, "Dr. Hilde Bruch, in the preface to her book Learning Psychotherapy, states that basically all patients come to the psychiatrists with 'one common problem: the sense of helplessness, the fear and inner conviction of being unable to cope and to change things'" - M. Scott Peck. But that is not why I entered psychotherapy. I entered because I knew I had no other choice. There was no other choice but to become even more connected to you. There was no other choice but to become even stronger than I already was.

As soon as I washed up on shore, I was able. Able to help myself. Able to give into the fear. Able to cope. Able to give into my strength, our strength. And through psychotherapy, I am able to connect to you more.

Strange as it sounds, I am becoming more connected to you, to myself by becoming connected to another. My whole life, as you know, I have been closed off, with you being the only exception. Not wanting to open up, not wanting to show my true self, not wanting to be vulnerable. Only wanting to protect us, only wanting to escape, only wanting to control. But through psychotherapy, I am learning how to embrace freedom, the freedom of my feelings, the freedom of losing you, the freedom of life. 

It is through days where I am supposed to meet with my therapist but we are unable, where I realize the pain of being so interconnected with someone. Scared at first, as you Michael, were the only one that I wanted to be that connected with; now, happy that someone can truly understand what I am going through. But also scared knowing that I won't find many more who share my depth, our depth. 

And as much as I am able, I am still unable to change those things that I wish I could change the most...

No fears and limitless, MHF

A million little Infinities

"...a side effect of dying. Almost everything is, really" - The Fault In Our Stars

This quote entranced me. Probably one that most won't be drawn to. But then again, not everyone has lived though what I've been through, what we've been through.

I first started reading The Fault In Our Stars because I was curious. Curious about why it captivated everyone. Curious because it was about two dying teenagers. Curious as I wanted to see if there were similarities to how I feel. 

Surprising yet not surprising, I didn't cry once. In fact, I was assuming that the side effect of cancer, the side effect of dying, the side effect of this book would leave me awe-inspired. But I was wrong. 

After your death, after my near drowning, nothing compares. I have already lived and survived a fate worse than death. I have my whole life to suffer the consequences, while Hazel and Augustus will feel relief. 

But as Hazel says in the book, "I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful". Michael, I am so grateful.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Devotion

To sorrow

To heartache

To loneliness

To me

To my conqueror 

To you

To selflessness

To loyalty

To devotion

To the 20th

To the holidays

To life

To action

To every day

To love

No fears and limitless, MHF

In the midst of it all

Michael, it has been exactly 1 month. Only 22 days remain.

Being in Florida, I thought that this would be the hardest year. But all I've felt is nothing. And honestly, I am not too surprised.

The past 4 years have brought many ups, downs, highs, and lows. In a million years, I didn't think that this is where I would be. Yet, this is where I am. And this is where I will remain.

You remain with me. Our souls are so interconnected and intertwined that you are a part of me. I've always known this but I am just discovering this fact. A fact that I wouldn't have learned if I had never moved to Florida.

Looking back, I uncovered a quote from my post on February 12, 2013:
"In my third life, after giving up everything, I make the second biggest decision of my life: I move. Florida, being both healing and inspiring, is my destination. Whether or not I get into graduate school, whether or not I find a job, whether or not I find you, I may just find myself. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, and confused, this move is key. I need to find me, find the person that I am to become. For finding myself might lead me to my captivator, finding myself might lead me to finding our twin connection, finding myself might lead me to finding you within me, finding myself just might lead me to the life that is waiting for me, a life filled of sparkle and glitter. "

While not all of this came true, most did. I honestly thought Florida was going to be a mistake. Even in the beginning, I doubted my decision. I am glad that I stayed. For not only am I finding the you within me but I am finding myself - a gift that you have given me.

No fears and fearless, MHF