A million little Infinities

"...a side effect of dying. Almost everything is, really" - The Fault In Our Stars

This quote entranced me. Probably one that most won't be drawn to. But then again, not everyone has lived though what I've been through, what we've been through.

I first started reading The Fault In Our Stars because I was curious. Curious about why it captivated everyone. Curious because it was about two dying teenagers. Curious as I wanted to see if there were similarities to how I feel. 

Surprising yet not surprising, I didn't cry once. In fact, I was assuming that the side effect of cancer, the side effect of dying, the side effect of this book would leave me awe-inspired. But I was wrong. 

After your death, after my near drowning, nothing compares. I have already lived and survived a fate worse than death. I have my whole life to suffer the consequences, while Hazel and Augustus will feel relief. 

But as Hazel says in the book, "I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful". Michael, I am so grateful.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Devotion

To sorrow

To heartache

To loneliness

To me

To my conqueror 

To you

To selflessness

To loyalty

To devotion

To the 20th

To the holidays

To life

To action

To every day

To love

No fears and limitless, MHF

In the midst of it all

Michael, it has been exactly 1 month. Only 22 days remain.

Being in Florida, I thought that this would be the hardest year. But all I've felt is nothing. And honestly, I am not too surprised.

The past 4 years have brought many ups, downs, highs, and lows. In a million years, I didn't think that this is where I would be. Yet, this is where I am. And this is where I will remain.

You remain with me. Our souls are so interconnected and intertwined that you are a part of me. I've always known this but I am just discovering this fact. A fact that I wouldn't have learned if I had never moved to Florida.

Looking back, I uncovered a quote from my post on February 12, 2013:
"In my third life, after giving up everything, I make the second biggest decision of my life: I move. Florida, being both healing and inspiring, is my destination. Whether or not I get into graduate school, whether or not I find a job, whether or not I find you, I may just find myself. Feeling lost, overwhelmed, and confused, this move is key. I need to find me, find the person that I am to become. For finding myself might lead me to my captivator, finding myself might lead me to finding our twin connection, finding myself might lead me to finding you within me, finding myself just might lead me to the life that is waiting for me, a life filled of sparkle and glitter. "

While not all of this came true, most did. I honestly thought Florida was going to be a mistake. Even in the beginning, I doubted my decision. I am glad that I stayed. For not only am I finding the you within me but I am finding myself - a gift that you have given me.

No fears and fearless, MHF

It's about that time

10 days. 

64 days.

We both know that dreaded day, as do many others. 

We both know that other day, as many don't think of the sorrow that is associated with it. 

But this year is different. This year I am spending it with dad. This year I am in Florida. This year I will be on the beach where it all happened. 

This year will be different. 

...

With the impending loneliness, depression, longing, and dread, I have decided to be selfish. I have decided to challenge myself. I have decided to try 100happydays

Ironically, with yesterday being the beginning, it started on the beach. That same beach where I lost you. The beach where I lost myself. Ironically, it was both therapeutic and torturous. 

#100happydays #Day1 #JupiterBeach #Weekendishere

No fears and limitless, MHF

 

Why

"because you remind me of everything there is in this world to love" 

The Reason Why - Storypeople

As I could have predicted, everything that has happened these past 4 years is hitting me. All at once, Michael, I feel as if I am drowning. I am drowning in my own emotions, thoughts, and feelings. Unlike last time, I don't know if I am capable of saving myself.  

I am in desperate need of rescuing. I want you. I need you. This is my plea for you to become my hero. For once you do, I know that all of this mess will feel manageable. I will be able to breathe knowing that you will be by my side, forever and ever. 

But I also know that you are the one who put me in this mess to begin with.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Mrs. Kennedy, Clint Hill, and Me

Michael, I just finished reading the book, Mrs. Kennedy and Me. Written by Clint Hill, the secret service agent that was assigned to protect Mrs. Kennedy - just like from day one, I was assigned to protect you. This fate of ours was something we did not expect but a task that would touch our souls and change our lives forever.

Clint was to protect Mrs. Kennedy from harm and allow her to live her life as normal as possible. They built up a trust and understanding that no one could truly understand. I, being the older one, was to protect you from harm all the while  growing up with you. Our connection is a bond that could not be broken and one that no one could truly understand.

Clint, in his mind, failed when he allowed Mrs. Kennedy to see her husband get shot and die in her arms. I, in my mind, failed when I saved myself from the water but couldn't save you.

...

Mrs. Kennedy was sitting next to her husband as he died. I was standing right next to you, Michael, as we both got caught in the rip tide. I was standing right next to you when you died. Oh god, do I remember seeing your body harden as all the life was drained out of you.

Mrs. Kennedy, from the time her husband was shot, never left his side. I, from the time you were dragged to shore, never wanted to leave your side.

Mrs. Kennedy, wanting to see her husbands body before the casket was closed, spent precious moments with him alone. I, needing to see you before I lost sight of you forever, spent precious moments with you alone, begging you to come back to me.

Mrs. Kennedy kissed her husbands coffin right before it was lowered into the ground. I placed a flower and was the last one to touch your coffin as it was lowered into the ground, sealing my fate that you were truly gone.

...

As the whole world grieved the loss of President John F. Kennedy, Clint Hill and Mrs. Kennedy were stuck in their own world.

As family and friends grieve the loss of you, Michael, I am stuck in my own world, alone.

Mrs. Kennedy, Clint Hill, and Me all have a unique bond. A bond that we wish could be broken but instead a bond that leaves us closer than most.

"The loss is not yours alone, she said & you will see it in their eyes when they do not think you are watching. How long does it take? I said & she put her hand on my chest & we did not speak." - Storypeople

No fears and fearless, MHF

Nightmare

Michael, two nights ago I had a nightmare. It left me wide awake from 4:30 on. Not uncommon that my night was plagued with a nightmare but this time was different. This time, my nightmare was focused on my almost drowning.

...
I was in my bed at my apartment, sleeping with Beau by my side. All of a sudden Beau heard a noise and left, running. I tried to get up but my body was paralyzed. I couldn't move. Despite using all of my strength, I didn't budge. I called for Beau but he never came. Left to fend for myself, I felt powerless and alone. Than, I woke up but it was a dream within a dream. And soon, I woke up in real life. After my heart stopped racing, I knew this nightmare was about me being stuck in the rip tide. What I didn't know was the many layers that this nightmare had, until now.

The dream within a dream represents my actions and decisions in the water. When I first started struggling, I called out for help; my initial reaction for calling to Beau. When it hit me that I knew I was stuck in a rip tide, my swimming parallel to shore until I was too tired to go on, and my decision to give up was me not being able to move in my bed, despite my trying and pleading. Waking up on shore represents me waking up in the dream. Waking up in real life after this nightmare represents me "waking up" and realizing you were dead, losing all hope.

My bed in the dream, the one piece of furniture that I feel safest in, is the ocean- a force of nature that I also once felt safe in. Now, I am scared of both. Beau, my little orange cat, despite never coming to my rescue in the dream, is literally saving me in real life. He has lived up to his name and as silly as this sounds, we have a bond that will truly never be broken, he is the one soul that I can depend on. Besides you Michael, I have never loved a living thing quite as much as I love Beau.

But this nightmare goes deeper. These feelings of powerlessness, loneliness, and not being in control have become themes in my life ever since you left me. Before, I had built up my life around being in control and in power. When you died, I learned that there is absolutely nothing that I have control or power over. My fate is left up to those that I let into my life. My fate is "up in the air".

...
Coming to terms with your death was my initial intent. You, Michael, have always been my center focus, my whole world. I knew that I needed to deal with your death first, before dealing with mine. My soul has an ulterior motive. But it may not all be bad for if I focus on myself now, than I will have even longer to focus on you. So in turn, instead of torturing myself with being selfish, I see the positive.

But, Michael, all is easier said than done. For I am wounded. Wounded by everything and everyone in my life, with no hope that light will bleed out the darkness.

No fears and limitless, MHF