Friday, February 5, 2016

I'll Never Be The Same

Michael,

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing life right. Actually, since you left me I feel like I’ve been getting it all wrong.

There are times and moments of happiness and joy where I think that I finally am on the right track. Then something happens and I’m flooded with thoughts of self-doubt. And those thoughts take me back to day that you left me. Or is that the day that I left you? Honestly, I’m not so sure.

When I was stuck in that rip tide, yes I was swimming to try to see you again but I was also swimming to save my life. I just remember thinking that this isn’t how I am supposed to die. But then again it wasn’t how you were supposed to die either.

And maybe life hurts so much because I was there when you were born and when you died. I was the first born because the doctors thought that you were squishing me. And I was the first of the two of us out of the water because why? I wasn’t in the strong part of the rip tide? I was being selfish in wanting to live? My will to love was stronger than yours?

And while I can sit here and wish that I wasn’t there when you died, we both know that if I wasn’t, life would be so much harder than it already is.

People say that you are dealt with things in life that only you are strong enough to handle. But I don’t know if I am strong enough to constantly see destruction, loss, and hurt. Born with a heart of steel, my heart is still shattered and soft. And while I like to think that one day it may heal … its times like these that makes it so hard to picture.

And while deep down, I want to find love and happiness, maybe I’m cut out for a life of being with just me. Would that be so bad? Feeling your love and moments of you is all the love that I need but will the love and memories fade away over time? Or will they just get embedded deeper inside of me … I guess time will tell. Until then, please guide me.


No fears and limitless, MHF

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