Hallelujah

Grandma has died. But maybe you already know that. I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven but maybe your two souls have already connected. If they have, I am glad. I know you and Grandma had a special bond. 

Death always has a way with humbling me even more. No matter the circumstance, death is never easy to deal with. I know that it's part of life, but it's a part of life that never gets easier. 

With the death of Grandma, I immediately think of you. Feelings of intensely missing you have come fleeting back to me. It's as if you just died yesterday instead of 10.5 years ago. While my life has moments of being "normal", it will never be the same without you in it. I hope you know that.

As ashamed that I am to admit this, I am jealous of Grandma. She lived a long, full, and loving life. She was ready to leave this earth. But most importantly, I know in some way she is with you. Despite everything that I've overcome and have accomplished in life, being with you is still where I want to be the most.

Of course, writing those words automatically makes me feel guilty. With little Richard Michael on the way, I know that I have many more years to live my life. I don't want him to ever feel like I don't want to live. He is such a blessing, and I know in my heart that both him and my husband will keep me going. They will be my rock during these difficult times. But at the same time I cannot lie to myself, I don't know if it would ever be too early to leave this earth.

Until then, I'll be connecting with you, Grandma, and all of our loved ones through one of my favorite songs: 

No fears and limitless, MHF.

The Time Has Come

Michael, it has almost been three years since I've written to you. While these writing sessions always make me feel close to you, I've found that I'm incorporating you into my life in other ways that seem so natural. It's almost as if we are truly so close that we are one. 

In my last post, I was coming to terms with soulmates and everlasting love. I was convinced that I had one more soulmate out there in the world. Not knowing how long I would have to wait, I vowed to you that I would be patient.

That patience has paid off. I met the man that I'm supposed to spend my life with. In fact, we're now married, but you already know that because you were there. Almost 10 years to the day that we were last alive together, I married my husband in almost the same exact spot in Florida. Even though you physically weren't there, you were there in spirit. I know you were there watching over us that day, and will continue to watch over us. 

It's interesting how my trauma creeps in during those big life moments that you're supposed to be here for. Depending on the moment affects how the trauma triggers me. For instance, in Florida before I was getting married, I wasn't sad. I was confident in my decision and knew that Florida was the only place I could get married. Any other place, I would have been a wreck. It wouldn't have felt right. But Florida is my place, our place.

Other big life moments have crept in over the last few months, and it has triggered my trauma in a way that has produced anxiety. This anxiety has overcome my thoughts with feelings of loss. What happens if I lose someone I love unexpectedly again? Can I survive that? I honestly don't know. It will take my entire life to survive the loss of you, but will I be okay if I lose another loved one? 

Loss is part of living. You can't have joy without sorrow, and I know that I will experience plenty more loss in my life. I only hope that this time, I am able to say goodbye before losing them. 

Until then, I will try to keep these feelings of unexpected loss at bay and focus on the positive. 

No fears and limitless, MHF. 

The Time Is Now

Michael, honestly I'm starting to write this post and have no idea how to say this.

You and I both know what it feels like to have a soulmate.

Growing up in a native world. I thought that soulmates were a once in a lifetime experience. Yes, I've had connections with people before, but I thought that the person that you were supposed to end up with was a soulmate. And I thought that a soulmate was a once in a lifetime experience.

To me, a soulmate is how you define love. With a soulmate, you have a connection and love that never wavers. Through thick and thin, you always have a partner.

Between you and my conquerer, you both had my heart and my entire soul. To me, you both were it. I know that in that in this lifetime, you only get a few soulmates. And to be perfectly honest, Michael, if you and my conquerer were the only two that I ever truly experience, I would be perfectly fine with that.

But then something happened. Both of my soulmates moved on without me. While you were taken with a force, my other soulmate slowly realized that he wasn't ready. He moved on much earlier than me and now has an entire life of his own.

But to be honest, I'm happy for you both. Michael, you don't have to see or experience the harshness of life. You are blessed with being naive and only knowing the life you had. And while I used to envy that, I know that I wouldn't be me without all of my experiences. As for my conquerer, he has had a much more complete life than I could have ever imaged. Seeing love and war, I can only imagine the life that he has to see and overcome. While I know that you are gone, Michael, I know that my conquerer has to still live his life fully. I still have to live my life fully.

In the past seven years, I have come to learn that soulmates aren't just one person. They can be a few individuals who make a profound impact. To me, a soulmate is someone that you love no matter what. For you will always be connected to them.

And while I used to think that I would only get two in my lifetime, I was mistaken. While I've had two who randomly enter my life and find me, I also know that I have at least one more out there. While he might not be as easy to find or to open up to, I know that I have another person out there who understands my soul.

And even though the process may be long, I can promise this: to the best of my ability, I will be open, straightforward and myself. For this is the only way that I can find my other soulmate, the one that I'm supposed to spend my life with. I only hope that he is patient and understanding of me.

From now on, I will truly try to live with no fears and limitless, MHF.

Time Provides A Band-Aid, Nothing More

Time heals all wounds, well it's supposed to but it doesn't. Instead, time has provided me with a band-aid that falls off pretty frequently.

While I admit that my band-aid can stay on for several months, in the blink of an eye and with no warning at all, my band-aid falls off. Leaving me with no sense of security or protection, my wound becomes infected with thoughts of you, Michael.

Going back to that fateful day, my thoughts and heart become solely focused on you and the life that we could have lived together. For if you didn't die, where would we be today? Where would we live? Where would we work? Who would we be as people? How would my life be different if you hadn't died? I could sit here and fantasize but I will never know. No one will ever know.

And in my weakest of moments, when my wound is squeezed tight with the emotions of losing you, I can't help but succumb to you. Dragged into some very dark thoughts, it's then when I don't think life is worth living. I know, Michael. I know that you would want me to live my life for the both of us, but some days I just can't. Do you know what it's like to lose your other half? Your soul mate? No, no you don't. And you never will.

While you're at peace, I'm struggling to be happy. I'm struggling to keep my heart from breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. I'm struggling not to break down and cry. I'm struggling to not miss you every second of every day. I'm struggling to live life for you. I struggle with all aspects of life. And I know that my struggles will never end .... 

And just when I think that I can't handle anymore, my band-aid appears and I'm momentarily saved. 

So while people often think that time heals all wounds, they are mistaken. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just provides a band-aid, nothing more.

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Need You Now

"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all"

- Need You Now, Lady Antebellum

Michael, this song was once dedicated to you. In fact, I know I've written to you in my dark days about this song. For it encapsulates the love that I have for you and our connection. I don't know how many times I've thought to myself that "I need Michael now", and I know that I will have many more of those moments. I know that I will have them until the day that I die. 

But something has changed,

On my drive home tonight, that song turned on the radio. And while it affected me, it didn't affect me like it has in the past. Usually, thoughts of you flooded my mind and tears instantly formed in my eyes, but that didn't happen tonight. 

Tonight, I've thought of a guy who has been separated from me for two weeks. While I know that time span seems like it's nothing, it has in fact felt like an eternity. For in the few months that I've known him, he has become someone that I treasure. Honestly, up until this point in my life, I never knew that I could feel this way for another human being. I know that it sounds clique, but even in the moments that I've felt love, nothing has compared to this separation.

To be honest, it scared me at first. It still scares me. For in my mind and heart, I don't want anyone else to see me the way that you have, Michael. But if I really want to find my life partner, I have to show him all of me.

Given our history, I've known that this path to love wouldn't be easy. I knew that I would struggle, try to sabotage it, and walk away, but at the end of the day, I can't. No matter how much I want to pursue our connection, I have to open myself up. Unfortunately, you can't be the only person who sees my soul. 

This isn't easy for me to type or even to admit, but it's the truth. And I know that if you were alive, you would want me to give up the hold that you have on my heart. If you were alive, this would be a million times easier. But you aren't, and I have to finally face and deal with the decisions that I've made and come to terms with what life has thrown at me. At the end of the day, no matter who holds my heart I want you to know that I am and always will be yours. You are my soulmate, you are my everything, you are me.

I love you, Michael.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Joy & Sorrow: An Inseparable Mix

It wasn't until this very moment in time where I truly feel the impact and meaning of one of my favorites quotes:

"The deeper that sorrow craves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

~ Kahlil Gibran, On Joy and Sorrow

Michael, losing you nearly killed me. Both literally and figuratively. While there have been many times where I wished that it had, today I feel the true impact of sorrow and the ramifications of losing you, my soul mate. Instead of feeling intense sorrow and heart wrenching pain, I feel the power and strength of my love. 

While I find myself in the same position as I was in six years ago, today it just feels different. Six years ago, I met someone who quickly stole my heart. Without knowing how, why, or when, I was captivated. Holding me as his prisoner, when he left for a year long deployment in Afghanistan, all I could think about was how much I would miss him and what would happen to me if he died. For in those short months before he left, he turned into you Michael. I honestly think that's why I held onto him for all those years. Yes, he was my captivator and we shared a deep, intimate connection but I had turned him into you. And I didn't want to lose you for a second time.

Today, I said goodbye to someone who means a lot to me. While he will only be gone for a month in Latvia, all I can think about is the life that we will be starting together upon his return. For in the few short months that we've known each other, he has turned into someone who means a lot to me. Yes, I will miss him more than words can describe but it's in my moments of missing him where I can feel just how much love I am capable of feeling and having for another human being. 

And it's this new level of love that is very bittersweet. For I know that if I didn't lose you, Michael, I wouldn't be capable of this level of emotional intimacy. So you see, you're the sorrow that cut me so very deeply. Once hurt, raw, and empty, I now know that the loss of you has given me a gift, a gift of feeling joy and happiness like I've never felt before. It's in this moment, where I thank you. While I will always wish that you survived, I thank you for allowing me to love another person as deeply as I loved you. 

No fears and limitless, MHF.

Kryptonate

You are my kryptonate. Since I seem to always find a way to survive, even the toughest of situations and circumstances, I am superman and you are my kryptonate.

While I never like being superman, it's times that I feel connected to you that make that status so much more bearable. Oftentimes I get lost in the loss of you, but when I feel your presence, I can't help but feel inspired. And that inspiration fuels me for months and even years.

Don't get me wrong, I do get lost in the loss of you and I do often feel that loss and hurt very easily. But when I have my moments of you, it's one-thousand percent worth it. And ironically, it's in my moments of life (and love) when I feel as if I moved on, when I really feel connected to you. It's also in those moments of "giving up" when I feel your presence and when you "come to me".

I don't know why I doubt our connection, but when I feel these moments, I get confirmation that we are always and will always be on the same page. You once told me that love is a connection that never dies, and the more I see and learn, the more I truly understand that. Wise beyond your years, you give me hope for life and love.

You are my soulmate (in more ways than one) and I will never lose that.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Emotionally Hurt

Emotionally hurt, emotionally abused - whatever it may be, I've been like that since birth. Only knowing selfish love, my entire life I've been putting up walls to protect myself and to guard my heart. For you see, I've never really learned how to fully love another person. For me, love has a price and I learned from a very young age that the price is never worth it.

The trauma that I've seen in my life has formed and shaped me into someone who has shielded myself from the one thing that I've desired the most: true love. While I'm learning to break down my walls, I'm realizing that my guard is stronger than I thought it was. This wall that I've built makes me take a different approach to relationships and love:

1. I'm gentle and at times very fragile. I will keep my distance, especially in the early stages of a relationship, because I don't want to seem overbearing or too vulnerable. I will give space but in return, I need to know that I'm thought of or else I will start to second guess my feelings and become defensive.

2. My heart will be guarded. As you well know Michael, my heart has been tattered, shattered, and torn into a million pieces by my abusers. It's become so hard that it's a thick shield of armor. But deep down, it's a ball of mush. Melting in the tenderest of moments where I truly feel loved and connected to another person, my heart will become theirs. But until I really trust someone, I ...

3. Won't open up easily. I will have my moments of bearing my soul but it's usually an "up in the air" thing. Because once my heart is fully open, I'll let out a flood of overwhelming emotions which will only scary someone away.

4. I will want to go slow (emotionally). While I'm fully capable of eventually becoming vulnerable, with me it's a journey. I won't reveal too much at once, especially if I'm sharing something that will make a suitor run away. I'll take it one step at a time, becoming more vulnerable along the way. I just ask for patience and understanding in return.

5. I'll put thought into the relationship. Because I've been told that I'm loving wrong so many times in the past, I'll put a lot of thought into a relationship. Why? Because for once, I want to get it right.

6. I'm (secretly) afraid. Since I do infrequently experience and meet people who I can truly connect with, I will be terrified when I meet someone amazing. I will get extremely anxious and scared as they might just be a dream. Or worse, they might leave me.

7. Affectionate is my middle name. I adore and crave cuddling, kisses on the forehead, hand holding, and hugs. Why? Because it takes all of my fears and insecurities wash away.

8. I will forever be loyal. At the end of the day when I give my heart to someone, they will always have a piece of me. I do this because my deepest wish is that someone will be there for me.

So while I can wallow in the fact that being emotionally hurt has destroyed my relationships, at the same time all of my experiences have helped me become the person that I am. While I know that I might still remain unlovable right now, I hope that eventually I'll find someone who will love me for me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Shame On Me

People don't realize how hard it is for me to open up and become comfortable enough to share my most intimate self. I know I'm not uniquely alone in this, but with a history of 27 years of pain, anger, and hurt, peeling back my layers isn't an easy task. Even those that I've known for years and trust with all of my heart, don't get to see the true me all the time. I just can't help it. Wanting so desperately to change, at times I feel as if I will never become the person that I want to be. 

Despite this traumatic and painful childhood, I still have a dream of getting married and raising a family. While this dream started from a very young age, I still like to believe that it is in my future. In the past, I've struggled with vulnerability in relationships. Choosing the wrong guys on purpose gave me a reason to always have my guard up and to never truly commit. Then you died.

With your death, part of me died. The part that died was replaced with a newfound strength. This strength is fueled by you, Michael. For everything that I do is for the both of us. I'm living my life and I'm living the life that you should have lived. For now and always, I'm living for the both of us. 

And with this new take on life, I'm being more strategic. Digging deeper into understanding what makes me "me" and how I can better myself, I'm also trying to become more open and vulnerable. I'm trying to find my soul mate. But that's easier said than done.

 Lately, I've met two individuals who I felt connected to right from the start. Instead of running away or trying to sabotage it, I was uniquely myself. And you know what Michael, they seemed to like me for me. Until they didn't. While one had the courage to say something, the other ghosted me. Leaving me wondering and wanting more, but just like your death, those questions will never be answered. I'm left with thoughts and feelings of loss, hurt, and disappointment. For the courage it took me to be my true self was uncomfortable and really hard. I thought that it would have been worth it, but alas I was wrong. 

And while I would like to say that I'm willing to try again and not lose hope, I'm just not sure that my heart can take it. While only knowing these two individuals for a short time, the pain that I'm feeling right now is a fresh wound and reminder that should I had gotten closer, the pain of them leaving me would be infinitely greater than what I'm feeling right now. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think that I could handle that. For one can only take so much pain in a lifetime, and I'm afraid that my quota is almost filled. So while I have't lost all of my hope just yet, I can honestly say ... 

And with that I think it might be time for me to redefine my goal and focus my efforts elsewhere. But who knows, maybe I'll remain foolish a bit longer.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Love After Trauma

"Skin thickens with time, revealing more of what is deep within. Time spreads the scales to where they are most needed, leaving behind vulnerabilities and blind spots. Your wrinkles sing of your depth and your softness. Truth is, the older we get, the more we need each other." - Sean Swaby

My wrinkles, while reminding people that I may look wiser, am stronger than most, and will fight until the very end, really just signify the fact that I am incredibly vulnerable. Michael, they mean that whether I want to admit it or not, I need you or someone like you. While no two wrinkles of mine are the same, instead of making me open up, they've closed me off. For my wrinkles signify that I've been dealt too much of life's difficult journey, and more often than not, my wrinkles hurt me. 

"Wrinkles, scars, and broken lines will stretch your life into something more than you would have been without them." - Sean Swaby

While I know that my wrinkles have given me a greater capacity to hold more and feel more of what life can offer, I guess I'm feeling stuck and lost. For when will I realize that my wrinkles actually make me beautiful? When will someone else think that my wrinkles are beautiful? I fear that sometimes that will never happen.

"Your vulnerabilities are not signs that you are broken and weak, but rather that you are strong and able but also in need of other people." - Sean Swaby

As you know, Michael, up until this point the only person that I've ever really needed is me. I guess that I've always been too scared to let the right people into my life. For if I do, what will happen if they leave me? I don't know if I would be able to survive that. So instead, I've built my life around the idea that it's far easier and much safer to avoid those people and the risks associated with letting them into my life. But, without knowing it, I stretched my skin too thin. And because of that, I wasn't able to hold onto much of anything. In fact, after 27 years of stretching my skin too thin, it finally broke. I broke. 

And while I can sit hear and claim that I've hit rock bottom before, I honestly think that I personally had to break myself. From dad to mom to countless lovers to you, everyone but me has angered me, has disappointed me, has hurt me. My true rock bottom didn't occur until I did those things to myself. And while I hate the fact that it had to happen, there really was no other way. I could say that I would eventually change but Michael, we all know that it wouldn't have happened. I needed to harm myself in order to turn my life around. 

So while I may hate my wrinkles, I hope that one day I will learn to love them. Just like I hope someday someone else will learn to love them too. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Quietly Failing

It seems like no matter how hard I try, I always seem to fail. I use the word fail loosely, as anyone from the outside looking in would think that I have survived and thrived. But from the inside looking out, I can tell you with one hundred percent of confidence and certainty that I am failing.

I'm failing in what I believe in. I'm failing in what I want to become. I'm failing at life. But most importantly, I'm failing at what I've promised you.

Michael, I feel like I can't even say your name because I feel like such a coward. For I can't even keep my promise to you, my twin, my love, my soulmate. And if I can't keep the promises that I've made to you, then what's the point of making promises.

And it's times like these, while they occur much more rarely than in the months and few years after you died, that still affect me just as powerfully if not more so.

What it all comes down to is me trying to live life, my life, your life, and the life that we should have lived together. I try so hard but then something happens. Whether it's a feeling, the time of year, or me being too scared or too set in my own ways, whatever happens spirals me back to the past. Becoming closed off, I wrap myself into a cocoon and slowly close myself off to all. Even though I'm aware of this, I can't help it until it's too late. While secretly hoping someone will come to my rescue and understand why I do what I do, I know that if the situation were reversed, I couldn't do it. So in my naive heart and mind, I'm waiting for a hero who will never save me. But then again, I think that the only person who could ever truly save me is you. And we both know that can and will never happen.

And while I wish with my whole heart that I was different and could change, I'm not sure if it's even possible. How can you undo something that you've been doing for 27 years? How is it even possible for someone to change? For I know that if I was meant to change, it would have already happened. So until I find my hero or until I die, I know that I am bound to remain quiet.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Revisiting Old Ghosts

"Last night I dug your picture out from my old dresser drawer. I set it on the table and I talked to it 'til four. I read some old love letters right up 'til the break of dawn. I've been settin' alone diggin' up bones" - Randy Travis, Diggin' Up Bones

It's funny how a moment in time, a song, holiday, piece of clothing and a person can take you back in time. This Memorial Day, I will be spending time in the past. Thinking of us, the way things were and the way things could have been will be filling my waking hours. While not the healthiest of things to do with my time, Michael, it seems that these days all I want to do is revisit old ghosts.

In fact, the next step in my grieving process will be focused on me and my coping mechanisms. While avoiding this since the start of the year, it's time for me to dive deep into the inner workings of my being. I had always hoped that we would do this together, that you would give me the strength that I needed, but alas I am here and you aren't so I am forced to tackle this by myself.

Knowing that I will see much darkness before light, my only hope and wish is that I don't regret this process. For in order for me to accomplish my life goals, I know that I need to learn to love and trust myself first. And to do this, I have to go back in time and revisit everything that I've said and done.

Of course, knowing me I will come to regret things that I've said, done and reacted to. One such thing, that's not a surprise, is the actions that I took on the day you died. While I will never regret those last moments we had together, I do regret that my will to live was stronger than my will to save you. While I am sure I didn't have much control over the human instinct to survive in the water, I could have swam towards you and I could have gone back into the ocean to save you. In fact, I should have done both of those things.

While I am just getting to the point of understanding why I did what I did, I don't think that I can ever forgive myself. Even if I get a sign from you saying that you've forgiven me, I know that I probably won't and will have to live with that forever.

Who would have thought that my reaction to being caught in the rip tide would have had all of these repercussions? If I knew then what I know now, would my reaction have been the same? Or would I be buried next to you?

No fears and limitless, MHF

I'll Never Be The Same

Michael,

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing life right. Actually, since you left me I feel like I’ve been getting it all wrong.

There are times and moments of happiness and joy where I think that I finally am on the right track. Then something happens and I’m flooded with thoughts of self-doubt. And those thoughts take me back to day that you left me. Or is that the day that I left you? Honestly, I’m not so sure.

When I was stuck in that rip tide, yes I was swimming to try to see you again but I was also swimming to save my life. I just remember thinking that this isn’t how I am supposed to die. But then again it wasn’t how you were supposed to die either.

And maybe life hurts so much because I was there when you were born and when you died. I was the first born because the doctors thought that you were squishing me. And I was the first of the two of us out of the water because why? I wasn’t in the strong part of the rip tide? I was being selfish in wanting to live? My will to love was stronger than yours?

And while I can sit here and wish that I wasn’t there when you died, we both know that if I wasn’t, life would be so much harder than it already is.

People say that you are dealt with things in life that only you are strong enough to handle. But I don’t know if I am strong enough to constantly see destruction, loss, and hurt. Born with a heart of steel, my heart is still shattered and soft. And while I like to think that one day it may heal … its times like these that makes it so hard to picture.

And while deep down, I want to find love and happiness, maybe I’m cut out for a life of being with just me. Would that be so bad? Feeling your love and moments of you is all the love that I need but will the love and memories fade away over time? Or will they just get embedded deeper inside of me … I guess time will tell. Until then, please guide me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Weathering Love

"Wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay" - ZBB, Colder Weather

Her answer is in devastation. Always devastation.

Why? Why is love so hard? Why is love so hard for me? Why is love so hard for the ones that I'm attracted to the most? Why?

Why? Why do I feel broken? Why am I attracted to the ones that are broken too? Why?

Why? Why do I think that love will heal all wounds? Why am I attracted to the ones who believe that love will heal their wounds? Why?

Why? Why am I scared to find open and honest, jaw-dropping, heart-pounding L-O-V-E? Why am I attracted to others who are scared to find open and honest, jaw-dropping, heart-pounding L-O-V-E? Why?

Why? Why isn't my love strong enough to make them stay? Why isn't their love strong enough to make me stay? Why?

Michael, for me love and devastation go hand-in-hand. I think that they always will. When you left me, when my love wasn't strong enough to make you stay, when my love wasn't strong enough to make me leave, I didn't realize that it would lead me down this path. 

Broken, lost, and heartless, my life is now filled with longing. Longing for a true love to come in and rescue me. But if I were to stumble upon it, would I embrace it? Would I run from it? What would happen?

Will my love ever be good enough for someone other than you or will my love always be filled with weakness and devastation? 

Only you know. 

...

No fears and limitless, MHF. 

Hello

Such a simple word yet one that can be life altering.

Where would you be without your hello's? What have your hello's led to?

In the womb, in classes, in tears, and in joy, my hello's have molded me into the person that I am today. Taking me on a journey of life that I would never have imaged or dreamed of, I wouldn't trade my hello's for anything in the world.

While our hello was nine months in the making, our souls were intertwined from the moment our hearts started beating. And while yours has stopped beating, mine is now beating twice as fast. For you are me and I am you. Without our hello, I wouldn't know the true happiness one could get from sorrow. 

Our ironic hello led us down a consequential path. Both truly seeing the effects of life and death at an early age, our souls bonded before we were even aware. And while our lives have led us in, at times, different directions, I knew that when I met you I would never be the same. Without our hello, I wouldn't be as creative and inspired as I am today. 

While I never wanted to say hello, I forced myself to take that courageous step, and for that I am most grateful. Going through life's journey with you has been a crazy, emotional, wonderful, and impactful experience. Through my tears and happiness, we've become tangled into a bond that will never be broken. Without our hello, I wouldn't have been able to survive life.

Our fateful hello has led me down a path of healing. Curling up and cuddling upon seconds of our introduction, my stone-cold heart melted. Since then you've taught me how to love and trust. I wouldn't want to be locked into life with any other soul. Without our hello, I wouldn't have become as open to life as I am now.

Who would have thought just how powerful hello could be?

No fears and limitless, MHF

The Aging of Time

Having just watched The Age of Adaline, I was drawn to this movie as it spoke to my heart. For Adaline was constantly running, never fully living in the moment just like I was.

Michael when you died, I was struck with a bolt of lightening, just like Adaline. While it took her over one hundred years to come-to, it only took me five. These past five years have been filled with many ups and downs, all resting on the notion that I can't truly live without you. Wrapped in guilt, sadness, and at times depression, I forced myself to try to live in the moment. Constantly searching, I never knew if I would ever find peace.

Then it happened.

Slowly and with care, peace has overcome me. While this peace at times can be not be peaceful, it is cupped with the notion of moving forward. And while I am moving forward, I am learning that it's okay to be selfish. For my selfishness is making me pursue my dreams and more importantly, it's making me closer to you.

So while one door is closing and another is opening, I am learning that closing doors is not always easy. Necessary and hard, I am living my life in the moment. For everything will be okay, including my new found peace

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Conquering You

My conqueror. And you are just that. 

For the past four years you have had me, all of me. While I thought you were brought into my life to become my soulmate, my saving grace - I was wrong. I now know that we will never be together. While this fact would once have had me in a crippling heartache, I am surprisingly okay.

Capturing my heart, body, and soul, you slowly seduced me into becoming yours. Forever loyal to you and only you, I led my life with the notion that you were that all I needed. For when we would be together, all the troubles from my past would magically go away. And while I can say that you were my only seducer, that would not be entirely true. 

Meeting you in one of the darkest times of my life, I not only wanted to be conquered and seduced but I needed to be. My love for you, the love that we shared was a love that I desperately craved, a love that we both desperately needed. While not easy or healthy at times, our relationship helped distract me from the loss of my twin, from the almost loss of my own life. 

Absorbed in you, the past four years have been focused on how you conquered me. While I can pretend to feel hurt from the way our lives have evolved, I am not. For I know that had I not met you, my heartache would have been much worse. You were a distraction that I needed and for that, I thank you. 

no fears and limitles, MHF

Letting Go

"Keep your heart above your head and your eyes wide open...save your strength for things that you can change. Forgive the one's you can't, you gotta let them go." - Zac Brown Band

Without knowing it, 2015 has been a year filled with letting go. I had no idea just how much I was holding onto until I discovered what I needed to do in order to move on with my life.

While I sit here and contemplate everything that I have been faced with, I realize that this notion of letting go seems quite harsh, for "letting go" seems like it is filled with negativity. I am realizing that, in fact, I am moving forward, for everything that I have been holding onto will still stay with me, I am just holding and viewing them in a new light.

Selfishness & Selflessness: before your death Michael, I put everyone's thoughts and feelings before my own. For in my mind, everyone was more important than myself and due to my empathetic nature, I was happy when those around me were happy. I now know that tuning into my own thoughts and feelings first is not only not selfish but in fact is needed. By putting myself first, I can be more helpful to my loved ones.

Negative & Positive Grieving: Michael, your death and my grieving has filled the past five years. Not to the effect that I have been in a depression but each day I have felt dread and longing. Waking up to a feeling that "something just isn't quite right" turns even the most positive person into one filled with anger. Through different life experiences that I purposely made myself go through, I have found the you that is in me.

Realizing that when someone dies only their physical self leaves the earth has been my reassurance. While I know that I will have some tougher days, I am turning your life into a celebration. And why not? You are meant to be celebrated and it's time that I finally do.

Loneliness & Fulfillment: these two feelings have been the most difficult to overcome as they not only have severely plagued me the last five years but my entire life. Michael, with the hatred our parents have for each other along with the notion that they were "never truly there for us", their divorce turned me into a lonely being. It was our connection that truly saved me. For no matter what, we had each other...until you died.

Searching for my loneliness to disappear or at least dissipate, it was then that my conqueror found me. Swept away by him, I've spent the last five years thinking that if/when we are finally together, everything will be okay. That I will finally find inner peace. But I was wrong, for I will never be with my conqueror.

It was in these moments where I felt my life crumbling from beneath me that I realized that I am moving forward. While this process has not been easy, once I finally accepted this fate, a miracle happened. Ever since that fateful day where I discovered that my life, once again, was not going to turn out like I pictured, I have felt an overwhelming sense of fulfillment. This feeling, the feeling that I have been craving since birth, is here and real.

While I have always known that I will always be okay. I can confidently say that I truly feel as if I will be okay. For no matter where my life takes me, I will be bringing my fulfillment with me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

My Heart

"Your Heart Will Go On"

That was a message I received on the second day of your viewing. While it made me burst into tears, deep in my heart I felt that that message was wrong. For Michael, how could my heart go on without you? 

Five years later, I have learned that that message could not have been more true. 

Michael, while this journey has not been easy, I have found that despite it all my heart can love. From people to animals to places to experiences, my once empty heart is now filling with more love than I thought was possible.

While I never wanted my heart to go on as in my mind that meant I was letting go of you, I now know that my heart going on means that you are going on with me. You will always be with me, and for that, I thank you.

And now that my once shattered heart is slowly filling back up, know it will never be the same without you. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Connection

For most, the holiday season is a time of looking back and reflecting on the past year and lifetime. But for me, my yearly reflection always happens around this time.

Just like reflections, feelings of love and loss resurrect around the holiday season. And like my reflections, my love and loss are peaked around this time.

With these reflections, love, and loss comes connection - an aspect of my life that I have truly treasured. Connections, true connections are rare. And once you find another whose soul speaks to yours, the loss can be quite devastating.

While I know that life happens and people move in and out, it is my sensitive soul that makes that loss almost too much to bare. Even though, when reunited my soul is happily contented, I'm never fully prepared for the goodbye and subsequent loss.

Michael, it is in the past six months that the memories of love, loss, and connection have overwhelmed me. With feelings of loneliness, dread, and heartache, it was in those six months that I wasn't sure if there was going to be any more light in my darkened world. Then this month happened. While reflecting on the wonderful life that I have lived filled with amazing memories, it was in the past few weeks that loved ones from my past resurrected. While I am unsure if subconsciously they knew this time was tough for me or if it was an act of fate, I can honestly say that I have never felt so loved.

For when I gave up in the water Michael, I lost you. When I gave up on finding my light, I found ones whose souls speak to mine.

No fears and limitless, MHF