Emotionally Hurt

Emotionally hurt, emotionally abused - whatever it may be, I've been like that since birth. Only knowing selfish love, my entire life I've been putting up walls to protect myself and to guard my heart. For you see, I've never really learned how to fully love another person. For me, love has a price and I learned from a very young age that the price is never worth it.

The trauma that I've seen in my life has formed and shaped me into someone who has shielded myself from the one thing that I've desired the most: true love. While I'm learning to break down my walls, I'm realizing that my guard is stronger than I thought it was. This wall that I've built makes me take a different approach to relationships and love:

1. I'm gentle and at times very fragile. I will keep my distance, especially in the early stages of a relationship, because I don't want to seem overbearing or too vulnerable. I will give space but in return, I need to know that I'm thought of or else I will start to second guess my feelings and become defensive.

2. My heart will be guarded. As you well know Michael, my heart has been tattered, shattered, and torn into a million pieces by my abusers. It's become so hard that it's a thick shield of armor. But deep down, it's a ball of mush. Melting in the tenderest of moments where I truly feel loved and connected to another person, my heart will become theirs. But until I really trust someone, I ...

3. Won't open up easily. I will have my moments of bearing my soul but it's usually an "up in the air" thing. Because once my heart is fully open, I'll let out a flood of overwhelming emotions which will only scary someone away.

4. I will want to go slow (emotionally). While I'm fully capable of eventually becoming vulnerable, with me it's a journey. I won't reveal too much at once, especially if I'm sharing something that will make a suitor run away. I'll take it one step at a time, becoming more vulnerable along the way. I just ask for patience and understanding in return.

5. I'll put thought into the relationship. Because I've been told that I'm loving wrong so many times in the past, I'll put a lot of thought into a relationship. Why? Because for once, I want to get it right.

6. I'm (secretly) afraid. Since I do infrequently experience and meet people who I can truly connect with, I will be terrified when I meet someone amazing. I will get extremely anxious and scared as they might just be a dream. Or worse, they might leave me.

7. Affectionate is my middle name. I adore and crave cuddling, kisses on the forehead, hand holding, and hugs. Why? Because it takes all of my fears and insecurities wash away.

8. I will forever be loyal. At the end of the day when I give my heart to someone, they will always have a piece of me. I do this because my deepest wish is that someone will be there for me.

So while I can wallow in the fact that being emotionally hurt has destroyed my relationships, at the same time all of my experiences have helped me become the person that I am. While I know that I might still remain unlovable right now, I hope that eventually I'll find someone who will love me for me.

No fears and limitless, MHF