People don't realize how hard it is for me to open up and become comfortable enough to share my most intimate self. I know I'm not uniquely alone in this, but with a history of 27 years of pain, anger, and hurt, peeling back my layers isn't an easy task. Even those that I've known for years and trust with all of my heart, don't get to see the true me all the time. I just can't help it. Wanting so desperately to change, at times I feel as if I will never become the person that I want to be.
Despite this traumatic and painful childhood, I still have a dream of getting married and raising a family. While this dream started from a very young age, I still like to believe that it is in my future. In the past, I've struggled with vulnerability in relationships. Choosing the wrong guys on purpose gave me a reason to always have my guard up and to never truly commit. Then you died.
With your death, part of me died. The part that died was replaced with a newfound strength. This strength is fueled by you, Michael. For everything that I do is for the both of us. I'm living my life and I'm living the life that you should have lived. For now and always, I'm living for the both of us.
And with this new take on life, I'm being more strategic. Digging deeper into understanding what makes me "me" and how I can better myself, I'm also trying to become more open and vulnerable. I'm trying to find my soul mate. But that's easier said than done.
Lately, I've met two individuals who I felt connected to right from the start. Instead of running away or trying to sabotage it, I was uniquely myself. And you know what Michael, they seemed to like me for me. Until they didn't. While one had the courage to say something, the other ghosted me. Leaving me wondering and wanting more, but just like your death, those questions will never be answered. I'm left with thoughts and feelings of loss, hurt, and disappointment. For the courage it took me to be my true self was uncomfortable and really hard. I thought that it would have been worth it, but alas I was wrong.
And while I would like to say that I'm willing to try again and not lose hope, I'm just not sure that my heart can take it. While only knowing these two individuals for a short time, the pain that I'm feeling right now is a fresh wound and reminder that should I had gotten closer, the pain of them leaving me would be infinitely greater than what I'm feeling right now. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think that I could handle that. For one can only take so much pain in a lifetime, and I'm afraid that my quota is almost filled. So while I have't lost all of my hope just yet, I can honestly say ...
And with that I think it might be time for me to redefine my goal and focus my efforts elsewhere. But who knows, maybe I'll remain foolish a bit longer.
No fears and limitless, MHF
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