Revisiting Old Ghosts

"Last night I dug your picture out from my old dresser drawer. I set it on the table and I talked to it 'til four. I read some old love letters right up 'til the break of dawn. I've been settin' alone diggin' up bones" - Randy Travis, Diggin' Up Bones

It's funny how a moment in time, a song, holiday, piece of clothing and a person can take you back in time. This Memorial Day, I will be spending time in the past. Thinking of us, the way things were and the way things could have been will be filling my waking hours. While not the healthiest of things to do with my time, Michael, it seems that these days all I want to do is revisit old ghosts.

In fact, the next step in my grieving process will be focused on me and my coping mechanisms. While avoiding this since the start of the year, it's time for me to dive deep into the inner workings of my being. I had always hoped that we would do this together, that you would give me the strength that I needed, but alas I am here and you aren't so I am forced to tackle this by myself.

Knowing that I will see much darkness before light, my only hope and wish is that I don't regret this process. For in order for me to accomplish my life goals, I know that I need to learn to love and trust myself first. And to do this, I have to go back in time and revisit everything that I've said and done.

Of course, knowing me I will come to regret things that I've said, done and reacted to. One such thing, that's not a surprise, is the actions that I took on the day you died. While I will never regret those last moments we had together, I do regret that my will to live was stronger than my will to save you. While I am sure I didn't have much control over the human instinct to survive in the water, I could have swam towards you and I could have gone back into the ocean to save you. In fact, I should have done both of those things.

While I am just getting to the point of understanding why I did what I did, I don't think that I can ever forgive myself. Even if I get a sign from you saying that you've forgiven me, I know that I probably won't and will have to live with that forever.

Who would have thought that my reaction to being caught in the rip tide would have had all of these repercussions? If I knew then what I know now, would my reaction have been the same? Or would I be buried next to you?

No fears and limitless, MHF