My Heart

"Your Heart Will Go On"

That was a message I received on the second day of your viewing. While it made me burst into tears, deep in my heart I felt that that message was wrong. For Michael, how could my heart go on without you? 

Five years later, I have learned that that message could not have been more true. 

Michael, while this journey has not been easy, I have found that despite it all my heart can love. From people to animals to places to experiences, my once empty heart is now filling with more love than I thought was possible.

While I never wanted my heart to go on as in my mind that meant I was letting go of you, I now know that my heart going on means that you are going on with me. You will always be with me, and for that, I thank you.

And now that my once shattered heart is slowly filling back up, know it will never be the same without you. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Connection

For most, the holiday season is a time of looking back and reflecting on the past year and lifetime. But for me, my yearly reflection always happens around this time.

Just like reflections, feelings of love and loss resurrect around the holiday season. And like my reflections, my love and loss are peaked around this time.

With these reflections, love, and loss comes connection - an aspect of my life that I have truly treasured. Connections, true connections are rare. And once you find another whose soul speaks to yours, the loss can be quite devastating.

While I know that life happens and people move in and out, it is my sensitive soul that makes that loss almost too much to bare. Even though, when reunited my soul is happily contented, I'm never fully prepared for the goodbye and subsequent loss.

Michael, it is in the past six months that the memories of love, loss, and connection have overwhelmed me. With feelings of loneliness, dread, and heartache, it was in those six months that I wasn't sure if there was going to be any more light in my darkened world. Then this month happened. While reflecting on the wonderful life that I have lived filled with amazing memories, it was in the past few weeks that loved ones from my past resurrected. While I am unsure if subconsciously they knew this time was tough for me or if it was an act of fate, I can honestly say that I have never felt so loved.

For when I gave up in the water Michael, I lost you. When I gave up on finding my light, I found ones whose souls speak to mine.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Finding You through My Loneliness

"I tell him that 'I'm still here.'"

But Michael, I am still trying to find you.

With less than a month to the fifth anniversary of your death, I made it back to the cemetery. And as I stood there in the snow, it hit me. While friends and family give comfort with thoughts of still being there for you, I am consumed with trying to find you.

From Michigan to Florida, all I want is to find you, the you that is in me. And while I have grown to love Florida and the experiences that have shaped my life here, I'm just lonely. This unwavering love of mine is plagued with loneliness.

The feelings of being near to you at your grave and in Rochester led me to wander into a story called Wanderlust. While there, the song that we played at your funeral suddenly turned on. Not having heard it since that fateful day, I was awestruck. I don't believe in signs but that coincidence was just too great.

While I sit here back in Florida with tears in my eyes, I am realizing that somehow that was you. But if it was, what were you trying to tell me? Was it a sign that you are in fact always with me? Was it a sign that was meant to give me hope? Was it a sign to help wash away my wandering? Whichever it may be, I am learning to find you through my loneliness.

I guess, I'm still trying to find myself too.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Mysterious Ways

"I'm thinking about how people fall in love in mysterious ways" 

- Ed Sheeran

Blue eyes

Soothing comforts

Sweet cuddles

Intertwined souls

Bravery

Patience

Kisses

Chivalrous 

Selflessness

Understanding

Reliance

Adventuresome

Caring ways

Helpful demeanor

Gentle soul

Thoughtful nature

Every love that I have felt, while they all have been different, have shaped the way that I love and want to be loved. And with these loves, while they will be lost, they all have deepened my soul.

With mere days to February 14th, love has been on my mind a little bit more than it usually is. While I am anxiously awaiting for my soul mate to walk into my life, it is through my other loves that I am learning to be patient. For with each of them, I stumbled into an unexpected love affair and it is with the serendipitous feelings and mysterious ways that will always make me truly treasure these moments of love. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Remembering Our Love

"He loved her enough to let her go even before he'd had her. And she'd loved him enough to wait for him" - The Mistress, Tiffany Reisz

The ultimate sacrifice of love, my ultimate sacrifice for you. 

Since I was little, I have been terrified about love. Finding and keeping love, although I so desperately wanted it, just seemed too much for me to handle. Already seeing the effects of dying love, I never wanted to experience that...until I did.

Recently, I have been terrified to fall in love again. The love we shared, while it was much too short, was a love that everyone dreams about. It was a love that I wanted and needed. Wanting to only hold onto our love, I spent the last few years alone. For what if I met another soul mate, what would happen to our love? What would happen to my love that I promised you would last forever?

Now, I am terrified that I won't find love again. Learning that love is never the same, I am ready. Not because I want to depend on someone, not because I need a man to complete me, but because I know that I was brought onto this earth to love. For my love is strong enough to endure more than one love. I know that, even though pieces of me will always remain with you, I will move on. For my love for you, your love for me, our love for each other has given me strength. Even in my moments of weakness and grief, those tears and painful days keep making me stronger. And while, I will never see, speak, or hear from you again, I can't thank you enough for everything that you have given me.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF

Goodbye In My Eyes

Recently, I have had to say goodbye. While I had not known this person for a long time, our connection was rare and deep. As my hour long car ride was filled with tears running down my check, it was in that moment that I knew. I knew that if we had had our goodbye, I wouldn't have survived.

For years, all I have wanted was one simple goodbye. But we both know that our goodbye would not have been simple. With our history, our connection, our love, there has never been anything simple about us. And while I have felt robbed by you, by our lack of goodbye, I have come to realize that maybe it was a blessing in disguise.

For if I had been granted my wish, I would have been greedy and wanted more. For if I had been granted our goodbye, I would not have known what to say. For if we had said goodbye, the silence remaining between us would have killed me even more than your sudden vanishing act.

These past few years have been plagued with this notion as those lonesome, depressed nights were almost too intense to bear. And it is through my wondering, wandering, and that hour long car ride filled with sad love songs that I am filled with hope. With the hope that I have been spared from another hardship that I would have had to overcome. While there will always be times of heartache, pain, and wishing, our lack of goodbye has, in fact, saved me.

It is on this cold Florida night, with a heavy heart and goodbye in my eyes, that I bid you adieu. Goodbye my soul mate...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Powerless

On the eve of the beginning of the end of the holiday season, on the eve when I am supposed to travel to celebrate Grandma's 90th birthday, on the eve of a night that should have been filled with happiness, I find myself wretched with the awful notion that I am powerless. I am powerless to it all, Michael.

After you died, it hit me that there is very little that I can control. A fact, that although we created a controlled life despite the out-of-control situations our parents put us in, was just a fantasy and a way of trying to make sense of all the madness. Losing this ability to control, while a difficult task, was not as hard as it should have been because I realized that I still had power: The power of our love, my love. And with my love came an enchanting force that people wanted to be around. A power, while not used for evil, was a force that help guided loved ones back to me. This force, my power, my love is no longer.

Waking up from yet another dream where I lost you Michael, waking up from an email saying that Grandma's birthday is canceled and she won't be in town, waking up and realizing that my conqueror is no longer mine, all I could do was cry. There was nothing to say, nothing to think, nothing to feel but loss.

While my power came with my love, it also came with my vulnerabilities, an aspect that I only show those that I love the most. And while,

I cannot be vulnerable anymore. My heart has been ripped open and stamped on far too many times. And while life is never what it should be, I never thought that my life would be filled with this much hatred, powerlessness, and loss.  

For those that I love the most, you Michael, Grandma, and my conqueror I have come to realize that I will never see again. And while I have loved and lost due to circumstances out of my control, that doesn't soften the blow. It just makes it that much harder for me to realize that my influence, my power, my love is in fact not strong at all. It is a fleeting force.

No Fears and Limitless, MHF