Mrs. Kennedy, Clint Hill, and Me

Michael, I just finished reading the book, Mrs. Kennedy and Me. Written by Clint Hill, the secret service agent that was assigned to protect Mrs. Kennedy - just like from day one, I was assigned to protect you. This fate of ours was something we did not expect but a task that would touch our souls and change our lives forever.

Clint was to protect Mrs. Kennedy from harm and allow her to live her life as normal as possible. They built up a trust and understanding that no one could truly understand. I, being the older one, was to protect you from harm all the while  growing up with you. Our connection is a bond that could not be broken and one that no one could truly understand.

Clint, in his mind, failed when he allowed Mrs. Kennedy to see her husband get shot and die in her arms. I, in my mind, failed when I saved myself from the water but couldn't save you.

...

Mrs. Kennedy was sitting next to her husband as he died. I was standing right next to you, Michael, as we both got caught in the rip tide. I was standing right next to you when you died. Oh god, do I remember seeing your body harden as all the life was drained out of you.

Mrs. Kennedy, from the time her husband was shot, never left his side. I, from the time you were dragged to shore, never wanted to leave your side.

Mrs. Kennedy, wanting to see her husbands body before the casket was closed, spent precious moments with him alone. I, needing to see you before I lost sight of you forever, spent precious moments with you alone, begging you to come back to me.

Mrs. Kennedy kissed her husbands coffin right before it was lowered into the ground. I placed a flower and was the last one to touch your coffin as it was lowered into the ground, sealing my fate that you were truly gone.

...

As the whole world grieved the loss of President John F. Kennedy, Clint Hill and Mrs. Kennedy were stuck in their own world.

As family and friends grieve the loss of you, Michael, I am stuck in my own world, alone.

Mrs. Kennedy, Clint Hill, and Me all have a unique bond. A bond that we wish could be broken but instead a bond that leaves us closer than most.

"The loss is not yours alone, she said & you will see it in their eyes when they do not think you are watching. How long does it take? I said & she put her hand on my chest & we did not speak." - Storypeople

No fears and fearless, MHF

Nightmare

Michael, two nights ago I had a nightmare. It left me wide awake from 4:30 on. Not uncommon that my night was plagued with a nightmare but this time was different. This time, my nightmare was focused on my almost drowning.

...
I was in my bed at my apartment, sleeping with Beau by my side. All of a sudden Beau heard a noise and left, running. I tried to get up but my body was paralyzed. I couldn't move. Despite using all of my strength, I didn't budge. I called for Beau but he never came. Left to fend for myself, I felt powerless and alone. Than, I woke up but it was a dream within a dream. And soon, I woke up in real life. After my heart stopped racing, I knew this nightmare was about me being stuck in the rip tide. What I didn't know was the many layers that this nightmare had, until now.

The dream within a dream represents my actions and decisions in the water. When I first started struggling, I called out for help; my initial reaction for calling to Beau. When it hit me that I knew I was stuck in a rip tide, my swimming parallel to shore until I was too tired to go on, and my decision to give up was me not being able to move in my bed, despite my trying and pleading. Waking up on shore represents me waking up in the dream. Waking up in real life after this nightmare represents me "waking up" and realizing you were dead, losing all hope.

My bed in the dream, the one piece of furniture that I feel safest in, is the ocean- a force of nature that I also once felt safe in. Now, I am scared of both. Beau, my little orange cat, despite never coming to my rescue in the dream, is literally saving me in real life. He has lived up to his name and as silly as this sounds, we have a bond that will truly never be broken, he is the one soul that I can depend on. Besides you Michael, I have never loved a living thing quite as much as I love Beau.

But this nightmare goes deeper. These feelings of powerlessness, loneliness, and not being in control have become themes in my life ever since you left me. Before, I had built up my life around being in control and in power. When you died, I learned that there is absolutely nothing that I have control or power over. My fate is left up to those that I let into my life. My fate is "up in the air".

...
Coming to terms with your death was my initial intent. You, Michael, have always been my center focus, my whole world. I knew that I needed to deal with your death first, before dealing with mine. My soul has an ulterior motive. But it may not all be bad for if I focus on myself now, than I will have even longer to focus on you. So in turn, instead of torturing myself with being selfish, I see the positive.

But, Michael, all is easier said than done. For I am wounded. Wounded by everything and everyone in my life, with no hope that light will bleed out the darkness.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Death

Michael, it has been far too long. And for that, I sincerely apologize. I also apologize for what I am about to tell you. My life, our life, has been plagued with another death. Elliott, one of your good friends from high school, has died.

Upon hearing this news, my reaction was unexpected yet predictable. I am once again burdened with my decision. I made a choice in the water that fateful day and I am still unsure if it was the right one.

Envy and guilt have consumed my being. For I wish I was strong enough to finally meet you in heaven. However, I cannot. Knowing everyone on this earth who still needs me, I feel the guilt of still wanting that. But I feel envious of all that we have known who have died because I know that they are with you while I am still stuck on this earth, alone.

...funny how death makes you second guess everything.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Coincidence, Fate, Both, or Neither

Lately I have been thinking about fate. I am not even sure that I believe in fate. Nor do I believe in coincidences. I guess I am not sure what I believe in.

What I am sure of is the fact that unbeknownst to me and to most; things happen for a reason. Most reasons are a mystery. It could take years to finally understand and grasp but every reason eventually becomes crystal clear.

...

The reason of March 12, 2010? I am still unsure, might always be

The reason why we went to the beach? Your first day and my last

The reason we decided to play catch? IT is what we always did 

The reason we put our toes in the water? That is what people do at the beach

The reason why I was drunk and you had dip? We were celebrating

The reason why I survived and you did not? I am still unsure, might always be.

...

The reason we met? I do not know yet, I will soon

The reason why you sat next to me? That was the only empty chair in the back

The reason we spent the summer together? We had a deep, magnitising connection

The reason why I did not come to Mississippi right before your deployment? I was not ready

The reason you left and stopped talking to me? I do not know yet, I will soon

...

Two defining moments. Two moments in which I made a decision that sealed my fate. Two fates in which I could picture my life. Two lives that did not happen but turned into coincidences. Two coincidences that make perfect reasons. Two reasons that turned into one destiny.

no fears and limitless, MHF

Un Segno

Michael, who would have guessed. How would I have known that our beach, the beach that you died on, the beach that almost took my life, would become even more significant.

A few nights ago, while dealing with the most painful migraine, I went to our beach. I had not been there for a month and just felt the need to go. Originally just going to watch the sunset, I had no idea what I was truly in store for.

On the beach, I got caught up in my thoughts. Seeing the crabs, hearing the crunch of the shells beneath my feet and smelling the salty ocean air, my sunset watch turned into a two mile walk. South of the pier, yet only a half mile from where you left me, my life drastically changed again.

Three and a half years ago, death overtook my life. My light, my spark, my life dimmed, changing me to this very day. Unrecognizable, I was just floating along not truly knowing my place on this earth. Three and a half years later, in almost the exact spot, my place was found.

While walking back towards the pier in the darkness, the scene I witnessed took my breath away. Michael, I saw baby sea turtles making their way into the ocean. A once in a lifetime event, an occasion that people camp out to see during these summer months, and I just happened to stumble across it. With just one other person by my side, I saw the first moments of life for these babies. What made it even more magical was the fact that I could not take pictures. It was a moment in time that technology could not capture, it was a moment in time that will never leave me.

On the same beach that I witnessed your death, I experienced life.

A sign.

No fears and limitless, MHF

LOVE

Michael, I have found that in my life there are three themes: love, loss, and pain. All intertwined and connected, for with one comes the others. All three give me strength yet only one truly gives me courage.

It wasn't until this return trip to Michigan where I have realized the full force and depth of my love for you. I will always think of you, will always want you by my side, always long for you, always feel you in my heart just like I know you would do the same for me. But something inside of me has switched.

I am no longer afraid. Thinking of everything that I have overcome and still need to overcome has overwhelmed me from the day you died. Coming to terms with your death and finally admitting that you are dead, that this isn't a dream, that I'll never see you again has finally happened. This acceptance, something that I've dreaded and have been afraid of as I thought that it would literally rip me to shreds, has finally snuck up on me and arrived. I am not sure when I reached this point but instead of my heart breaking all over again, I feel free.

Losing you completely, the pain of my breaking and aching heart, the long road to recovery now seems all bearable. My fears have been pushed aside. For I know that the love we shared, the love I had for you and the love you had for me, was real, honest, and pure. Soulmates from the start, we captured each others hearts not knowing the journey that lay ahead of us. It has not been easy but it has helped shaped us, helped shaped me. It's the memories, the way you made me feel, and the endless love I have for you that makes this new found acceptance manageable. Despite the fact that it's easier than I expected, I know that I'll still be plagued with days of sadness, loss, and hurt. I always will and I wouldn't have it any other way. But it's my love for you that makes everything okay.

Michael, it is time that I thank you. I have treasured every single gift you have given me but this courage is the most precious of all...

No fears and limitless, MHF

One of many Firsts

I am high. High on life, high on feelings of you, high on Florida. Yet I am plagued. This July 4th marks my first holiday in Florida. Thinking things would be different, thinking that my feelings would not follow me, thinking that I would not feel so empty and alone- I was and am naive and stupid.

What started off as a great day turned into a day filled with torture. The loss of you, the loss of Jason, the loss of my therapist leaving for ten days, the loss of everything that has never happened weighs deeply on me. Too deeply.

Wanting so desperately to deeply connect with someone yet knowing when I get the chance, I'll run away. Wanting to feel happy yet needing to feel sad and hurt, I am walking on eggshells. I am plagued with a fate that leaves me frustrated and exhausted, knowing that every feeling, emotion, and memory will end with despair, torture, and excitement. Always intertwined. Always complicated.

No fears and limitless, MHF