Nightmare

Michael, two nights ago I had a nightmare. It left me wide awake from 4:30 on. Not uncommon that my night was plagued with a nightmare but this time was different. This time, my nightmare was focused on my almost drowning.

...
I was in my bed at my apartment, sleeping with Beau by my side. All of a sudden Beau heard a noise and left, running. I tried to get up but my body was paralyzed. I couldn't move. Despite using all of my strength, I didn't budge. I called for Beau but he never came. Left to fend for myself, I felt powerless and alone. Than, I woke up but it was a dream within a dream. And soon, I woke up in real life. After my heart stopped racing, I knew this nightmare was about me being stuck in the rip tide. What I didn't know was the many layers that this nightmare had, until now.

The dream within a dream represents my actions and decisions in the water. When I first started struggling, I called out for help; my initial reaction for calling to Beau. When it hit me that I knew I was stuck in a rip tide, my swimming parallel to shore until I was too tired to go on, and my decision to give up was me not being able to move in my bed, despite my trying and pleading. Waking up on shore represents me waking up in the dream. Waking up in real life after this nightmare represents me "waking up" and realizing you were dead, losing all hope.

My bed in the dream, the one piece of furniture that I feel safest in, is the ocean- a force of nature that I also once felt safe in. Now, I am scared of both. Beau, my little orange cat, despite never coming to my rescue in the dream, is literally saving me in real life. He has lived up to his name and as silly as this sounds, we have a bond that will truly never be broken, he is the one soul that I can depend on. Besides you Michael, I have never loved a living thing quite as much as I love Beau.

But this nightmare goes deeper. These feelings of powerlessness, loneliness, and not being in control have become themes in my life ever since you left me. Before, I had built up my life around being in control and in power. When you died, I learned that there is absolutely nothing that I have control or power over. My fate is left up to those that I let into my life. My fate is "up in the air".

...
Coming to terms with your death was my initial intent. You, Michael, have always been my center focus, my whole world. I knew that I needed to deal with your death first, before dealing with mine. My soul has an ulterior motive. But it may not all be bad for if I focus on myself now, than I will have even longer to focus on you. So in turn, instead of torturing myself with being selfish, I see the positive.

But, Michael, all is easier said than done. For I am wounded. Wounded by everything and everyone in my life, with no hope that light will bleed out the darkness.

No fears and limitless, MHF