One of many Firsts

I am high. High on life, high on feelings of you, high on Florida. Yet I am plagued. This July 4th marks my first holiday in Florida. Thinking things would be different, thinking that my feelings would not follow me, thinking that I would not feel so empty and alone- I was and am naive and stupid.

What started off as a great day turned into a day filled with torture. The loss of you, the loss of Jason, the loss of my therapist leaving for ten days, the loss of everything that has never happened weighs deeply on me. Too deeply.

Wanting so desperately to deeply connect with someone yet knowing when I get the chance, I'll run away. Wanting to feel happy yet needing to feel sad and hurt, I am walking on eggshells. I am plagued with a fate that leaves me frustrated and exhausted, knowing that every feeling, emotion, and memory will end with despair, torture, and excitement. Always intertwined. Always complicated.

No fears and limitless, MHF