Emotionally Hurt

Emotionally hurt, emotionally abused - whatever it may be, I've been like that since birth. Only knowing selfish love, my entire life I've been putting up walls to protect myself and to guard my heart. For you see, I've never really learned how to fully love another person. For me, love has a price and I learned from a very young age that the price is never worth it.

The trauma that I've seen in my life has formed and shaped me into someone who has shielded myself from the one thing that I've desired the most: true love. While I'm learning to break down my walls, I'm realizing that my guard is stronger than I thought it was. This wall that I've built makes me take a different approach to relationships and love:

1. I'm gentle and at times very fragile. I will keep my distance, especially in the early stages of a relationship, because I don't want to seem overbearing or too vulnerable. I will give space but in return, I need to know that I'm thought of or else I will start to second guess my feelings and become defensive.

2. My heart will be guarded. As you well know Michael, my heart has been tattered, shattered, and torn into a million pieces by my abusers. It's become so hard that it's a thick shield of armor. But deep down, it's a ball of mush. Melting in the tenderest of moments where I truly feel loved and connected to another person, my heart will become theirs. But until I really trust someone, I ...

3. Won't open up easily. I will have my moments of bearing my soul but it's usually an "up in the air" thing. Because once my heart is fully open, I'll let out a flood of overwhelming emotions which will only scary someone away.

4. I will want to go slow (emotionally). While I'm fully capable of eventually becoming vulnerable, with me it's a journey. I won't reveal too much at once, especially if I'm sharing something that will make a suitor run away. I'll take it one step at a time, becoming more vulnerable along the way. I just ask for patience and understanding in return.

5. I'll put thought into the relationship. Because I've been told that I'm loving wrong so many times in the past, I'll put a lot of thought into a relationship. Why? Because for once, I want to get it right.

6. I'm (secretly) afraid. Since I do infrequently experience and meet people who I can truly connect with, I will be terrified when I meet someone amazing. I will get extremely anxious and scared as they might just be a dream. Or worse, they might leave me.

7. Affectionate is my middle name. I adore and crave cuddling, kisses on the forehead, hand holding, and hugs. Why? Because it takes all of my fears and insecurities wash away.

8. I will forever be loyal. At the end of the day when I give my heart to someone, they will always have a piece of me. I do this because my deepest wish is that someone will be there for me.

So while I can wallow in the fact that being emotionally hurt has destroyed my relationships, at the same time all of my experiences have helped me become the person that I am. While I know that I might still remain unlovable right now, I hope that eventually I'll find someone who will love me for me.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Shame On Me

People don't realize how hard it is for me to open up and become comfortable enough to share my most intimate self. I know I'm not uniquely alone in this, but with a history of 27 years of pain, anger, and hurt, peeling back my layers isn't an easy task. Even those that I've known for years and trust with all of my heart, don't get to see the true me all the time. I just can't help it. Wanting so desperately to change, at times I feel as if I will never become the person that I want to be. 

Despite this traumatic and painful childhood, I still have a dream of getting married and raising a family. While this dream started from a very young age, I still like to believe that it is in my future. In the past, I've struggled with vulnerability in relationships. Choosing the wrong guys on purpose gave me a reason to always have my guard up and to never truly commit. Then you died.

With your death, part of me died. The part that died was replaced with a newfound strength. This strength is fueled by you, Michael. For everything that I do is for the both of us. I'm living my life and I'm living the life that you should have lived. For now and always, I'm living for the both of us. 

And with this new take on life, I'm being more strategic. Digging deeper into understanding what makes me "me" and how I can better myself, I'm also trying to become more open and vulnerable. I'm trying to find my soul mate. But that's easier said than done.

 Lately, I've met two individuals who I felt connected to right from the start. Instead of running away or trying to sabotage it, I was uniquely myself. And you know what Michael, they seemed to like me for me. Until they didn't. While one had the courage to say something, the other ghosted me. Leaving me wondering and wanting more, but just like your death, those questions will never be answered. I'm left with thoughts and feelings of loss, hurt, and disappointment. For the courage it took me to be my true self was uncomfortable and really hard. I thought that it would have been worth it, but alas I was wrong. 

And while I would like to say that I'm willing to try again and not lose hope, I'm just not sure that my heart can take it. While only knowing these two individuals for a short time, the pain that I'm feeling right now is a fresh wound and reminder that should I had gotten closer, the pain of them leaving me would be infinitely greater than what I'm feeling right now. And to be perfectly honest, I don't think that I could handle that. For one can only take so much pain in a lifetime, and I'm afraid that my quota is almost filled. So while I have't lost all of my hope just yet, I can honestly say ... 

And with that I think it might be time for me to redefine my goal and focus my efforts elsewhere. But who knows, maybe I'll remain foolish a bit longer.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Love After Trauma

"Skin thickens with time, revealing more of what is deep within. Time spreads the scales to where they are most needed, leaving behind vulnerabilities and blind spots. Your wrinkles sing of your depth and your softness. Truth is, the older we get, the more we need each other." - Sean Swaby

My wrinkles, while reminding people that I may look wiser, am stronger than most, and will fight until the very end, really just signify the fact that I am incredibly vulnerable. Michael, they mean that whether I want to admit it or not, I need you or someone like you. While no two wrinkles of mine are the same, instead of making me open up, they've closed me off. For my wrinkles signify that I've been dealt too much of life's difficult journey, and more often than not, my wrinkles hurt me. 

"Wrinkles, scars, and broken lines will stretch your life into something more than you would have been without them." - Sean Swaby

While I know that my wrinkles have given me a greater capacity to hold more and feel more of what life can offer, I guess I'm feeling stuck and lost. For when will I realize that my wrinkles actually make me beautiful? When will someone else think that my wrinkles are beautiful? I fear that sometimes that will never happen.

"Your vulnerabilities are not signs that you are broken and weak, but rather that you are strong and able but also in need of other people." - Sean Swaby

As you know, Michael, up until this point the only person that I've ever really needed is me. I guess that I've always been too scared to let the right people into my life. For if I do, what will happen if they leave me? I don't know if I would be able to survive that. So instead, I've built my life around the idea that it's far easier and much safer to avoid those people and the risks associated with letting them into my life. But, without knowing it, I stretched my skin too thin. And because of that, I wasn't able to hold onto much of anything. In fact, after 27 years of stretching my skin too thin, it finally broke. I broke. 

And while I can sit hear and claim that I've hit rock bottom before, I honestly think that I personally had to break myself. From dad to mom to countless lovers to you, everyone but me has angered me, has disappointed me, has hurt me. My true rock bottom didn't occur until I did those things to myself. And while I hate the fact that it had to happen, there really was no other way. I could say that I would eventually change but Michael, we all know that it wouldn't have happened. I needed to harm myself in order to turn my life around. 

So while I may hate my wrinkles, I hope that one day I will learn to love them. Just like I hope someday someone else will learn to love them too. 

No fears and limitless, MHF

Quietly Failing

It seems like no matter how hard I try, I always seem to fail. I use the word fail loosely, as anyone from the outside looking in would think that I have survived and thrived. But from the inside looking out, I can tell you with one hundred percent of confidence and certainty that I am failing.

I'm failing in what I believe in. I'm failing in what I want to become. I'm failing at life. But most importantly, I'm failing at what I've promised you.

Michael, I feel like I can't even say your name because I feel like such a coward. For I can't even keep my promise to you, my twin, my love, my soulmate. And if I can't keep the promises that I've made to you, then what's the point of making promises.

And it's times like these, while they occur much more rarely than in the months and few years after you died, that still affect me just as powerfully if not more so.

What it all comes down to is me trying to live life, my life, your life, and the life that we should have lived together. I try so hard but then something happens. Whether it's a feeling, the time of year, or me being too scared or too set in my own ways, whatever happens spirals me back to the past. Becoming closed off, I wrap myself into a cocoon and slowly close myself off to all. Even though I'm aware of this, I can't help it until it's too late. While secretly hoping someone will come to my rescue and understand why I do what I do, I know that if the situation were reversed, I couldn't do it. So in my naive heart and mind, I'm waiting for a hero who will never save me. But then again, I think that the only person who could ever truly save me is you. And we both know that can and will never happen.

And while I wish with my whole heart that I was different and could change, I'm not sure if it's even possible. How can you undo something that you've been doing for 27 years? How is it even possible for someone to change? For I know that if I was meant to change, it would have already happened. So until I find my hero or until I die, I know that I am bound to remain quiet.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Revisiting Old Ghosts

"Last night I dug your picture out from my old dresser drawer. I set it on the table and I talked to it 'til four. I read some old love letters right up 'til the break of dawn. I've been settin' alone diggin' up bones" - Randy Travis, Diggin' Up Bones

It's funny how a moment in time, a song, holiday, piece of clothing and a person can take you back in time. This Memorial Day, I will be spending time in the past. Thinking of us, the way things were and the way things could have been will be filling my waking hours. While not the healthiest of things to do with my time, Michael, it seems that these days all I want to do is revisit old ghosts.

In fact, the next step in my grieving process will be focused on me and my coping mechanisms. While avoiding this since the start of the year, it's time for me to dive deep into the inner workings of my being. I had always hoped that we would do this together, that you would give me the strength that I needed, but alas I am here and you aren't so I am forced to tackle this by myself.

Knowing that I will see much darkness before light, my only hope and wish is that I don't regret this process. For in order for me to accomplish my life goals, I know that I need to learn to love and trust myself first. And to do this, I have to go back in time and revisit everything that I've said and done.

Of course, knowing me I will come to regret things that I've said, done and reacted to. One such thing, that's not a surprise, is the actions that I took on the day you died. While I will never regret those last moments we had together, I do regret that my will to live was stronger than my will to save you. While I am sure I didn't have much control over the human instinct to survive in the water, I could have swam towards you and I could have gone back into the ocean to save you. In fact, I should have done both of those things.

While I am just getting to the point of understanding why I did what I did, I don't think that I can ever forgive myself. Even if I get a sign from you saying that you've forgiven me, I know that I probably won't and will have to live with that forever.

Who would have thought that my reaction to being caught in the rip tide would have had all of these repercussions? If I knew then what I know now, would my reaction have been the same? Or would I be buried next to you?

No fears and limitless, MHF

I'll Never Be The Same

Michael,

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing life right. Actually, since you left me I feel like I’ve been getting it all wrong.

There are times and moments of happiness and joy where I think that I finally am on the right track. Then something happens and I’m flooded with thoughts of self-doubt. And those thoughts take me back to day that you left me. Or is that the day that I left you? Honestly, I’m not so sure.

When I was stuck in that rip tide, yes I was swimming to try to see you again but I was also swimming to save my life. I just remember thinking that this isn’t how I am supposed to die. But then again it wasn’t how you were supposed to die either.

And maybe life hurts so much because I was there when you were born and when you died. I was the first born because the doctors thought that you were squishing me. And I was the first of the two of us out of the water because why? I wasn’t in the strong part of the rip tide? I was being selfish in wanting to live? My will to love was stronger than yours?

And while I can sit here and wish that I wasn’t there when you died, we both know that if I wasn’t, life would be so much harder than it already is.

People say that you are dealt with things in life that only you are strong enough to handle. But I don’t know if I am strong enough to constantly see destruction, loss, and hurt. Born with a heart of steel, my heart is still shattered and soft. And while I like to think that one day it may heal … its times like these that makes it so hard to picture.

And while deep down, I want to find love and happiness, maybe I’m cut out for a life of being with just me. Would that be so bad? Feeling your love and moments of you is all the love that I need but will the love and memories fade away over time? Or will they just get embedded deeper inside of me … I guess time will tell. Until then, please guide me.

No fears and limitless, MHF