Another First

And here it goes, Michael. I am spending the holiday season with no distractions. The first since you died.

Subconsciously, I have been preparing for this holiday season since June. Plagued with a loneliness so intense, it has been hard to breathe some days. With wandering thoughts of when this depressive, lonely state will vanish it strikes me that it will be this way for a long time. While there feels as if there is no light to be found in my darkened world, I still hold on to hope that one day the light will be there.

It is with this hope that one day, I will start to feel you, really feel you. As with this depth of loneliness, I crave for a connection, our connection. And with each passing day, my longing for you, for us deepens. I am honestly not sure how long this will last, how long I will last.

And while I struggle to find the you that is in me, I can't help but wish that someone, any one, will come to my rescue. But will that really help me? Will I ever find someone who understands my depth? Will I ever find someone who completes me the way that you did? Will I ever find happiness and peace?

It is with this hope that I wish that my loneliness will wither up and that my love for you will find love in another. It is with belief in you, in us that I know that my loneliness is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless. I believe that this loneliness will heal me.

No fears and limitless, MHF