I am Able

Michael, I am in the midst of reading a book quoted as "Not just a book but a spontaneous act of generosity" by the Washington Post. And thus far, it is. It has given my life a deeper meaning and I am only on page forty-four.

This book quotes another, "Dr. Hilde Bruch, in the preface to her book Learning Psychotherapy, states that basically all patients come to the psychiatrists with 'one common problem: the sense of helplessness, the fear and inner conviction of being unable to cope and to change things'" - M. Scott Peck. But that is not why I entered psychotherapy. I entered because I knew I had no other choice. There was no other choice but to become even more connected to you. There was no other choice but to become even stronger than I already was.

As soon as I washed up on shore, I was able. Able to help myself. Able to give into the fear. Able to cope. Able to give into my strength, our strength. And through psychotherapy, I am able to connect to you more.

Strange as it sounds, I am becoming more connected to you, to myself by becoming connected to another. My whole life, as you know, I have been closed off, with you being the only exception. Not wanting to open up, not wanting to show my true self, not wanting to be vulnerable. Only wanting to protect us, only wanting to escape, only wanting to control. But through psychotherapy, I am learning how to embrace freedom, the freedom of my feelings, the freedom of losing you, the freedom of life. 

It is through days where I am supposed to meet with my therapist but we are unable, where I realize the pain of being so interconnected with someone. Scared at first, as you Michael, were the only one that I wanted to be that connected with; now, happy that someone can truly understand what I am going through. But also scared knowing that I won't find many more who share my depth, our depth. 

And as much as I am able, I am still unable to change those things that I wish I could change the most...

No fears and limitless, MHF