The Holidays

Thanksgiving has passed and the holiday season is officially underway. Besides the day you died and our birthday- this time of year is the hardest for me. From Halloween until the new year, I find myself in a struggling haze. 

I clam up,

disappear.

There are no words to describe my thoughts and feelings during this time. The need to be alone overwhelms me. I constantly give into this notion and become consumed with depression and self torturing until I fall into a black hole.

No hope of seeing light

No hope of anything.

I don't know how or why I have survived for this long. I think about everyone else who has faced tragedy and wonder how they survived. Is there some secret that I'm missing? Is this my fate? Will my life always be like this? Will the good always be plagued with the bad? Will I always feel guilty? Will I ever find someone who will understand and appreciate this part of my life? But most importantly, will I ever forgive myself? 

No fears and limitless, MHF