Certain Kind of Darkness

Michael, nothing pisses me off more when people complain. It's such a selfish act and selfishness is one trait that I absolutely cannot stand. Maybe it's because I am always putting others before me, maybe it's because we were raised in such a giving home, maybe it's because there is so much more to life than one horrible mistake. Either way, this is one trait that will make me stray, for it is against my morals to surround myself with selfish people.

One trait that I have been blessed with is my compassion and empathy. I love other people. One way I show this love is by helping and listening. I am a constant, a rock. I am someone that others come to when they need comforting. This is where my blessing becomes a curse. For it is in these moments where I truly understand the depth of a person.

After you died Michael, I became a selfish person. For I knew that instead of going on with my life, I had to move back to Michigan and face the end of yours. For me there was no other way, no other choice. I had to deal with the fact that you died and I survived. With this selfishness came zero compassion. For how can one think their life is over because they cheated on a test, had a bad first date, overdrew their bank account?!

With my zero compassion came a tolerance. I understand that others aren't as deep as I am. They haven't experienced a full life that I already have at the age of 23. They have not had to witness the trauma and tragedy that I have. Without these experiences how are they to know that with joy comes sorrow, with darkness comes light, with nightmares come fantasies?

Michael, my world is now darkened. The loss of you has changed me into a person that I don't recognize. But your death has also brought me the stars. For I find myself opening up. My walls are coming down. I feel like for the first time I am experiencing what you experienced. I am turning into you, an honor and wish I thought would never come true. For you are my shining star and are guiding me through the night of life.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Mon ame est francais

Michael, as you know I am a hopeless romantic. My dream of one day having my fairy tale led me down a path of true romance. It led me to learn French for six years. For 1/4th of my life I have learned the ways, culture, and purity of France- only cultivating my love for romance even more. When I see, speak, or hear French my heart starts to race, butterflies form in my stomach, giddiness and excitement overcome me.

However, my love for French grew even more after you died. For in the French language, they place emphasis on the verb, they stress the indirect object, they know that every part of a sentence is connected to the other.

Michael, you are missing from me. This huge part of my heart, my spirit, my being is gone. I feel so torn, so shattered, so beat up? What do you do when a piece of your soul is missing? The French embrace it, romance it, and make art from it. French is me in a language.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Forever is Never Enough

-Story People

Michael, forever would not have been enough time with you. Our time was too short...how did that happen? Why was that our fate? I will never know.

What I do know is that it is an honor to be your sister, your twin, your best friend. You have touched my soul in so many ways. I only wish that I could have told you that before you died. My hope is that you felt it, that you felt our deep connection and knew that we were two peas in a pod, a package of two. 

I know that I will always wish you were here by my side, that you should be living this life and not me, but you did survive. You survived through me. For I can only stay negative for so long, my strength- our strength shines through and I am reminded of the beautiful person you were and that you would have become. 

Every now and then I let myself glance back over our life and shared memories and momentarily feel a glimmer of hope. For knowing you, even though it was for only a short time, was enough. Enough to make me feel loved and treasured for the rest of my life. 

I still wish you were here but life has been more fair because I had you for twenty years. How lucky was that?!

-Story People

......No fears and limitless, MHF 

In Love

I have lost my passion. The light in my eyes has died. The warmth in my soul has left me. I am lost, lost without you.

Everything that I stood for, everything that was me is gone. Trying to figure out my life is hard even harder without you. Some days I look for someone to rescue me, other days I don't want to be rescued. Secretly, there is only one person who can truly help. But the question remains, will I ever feel like rescuing myself? Or will my life forever be drowned with the burden of surviving, of making the wrong choice?

There is only one thing that is truly saving me. For I am in love. In love with the passion, light, and warmth of other people.

Everyone I met has touched my soul and it excites me to see where they'll go. For every time that I see other's passions it reminds me of your contagious smile. That smile is worth it. Worth it for me to live out your passion, Michael. Worth it for me to find mine. Worth it for me to touch one other person.

No fears and limitless, MHF

Infinite

- The Perks of Being a Wallflower -

Michael, there have been two times in my life where I felt infinite. Both were with you. Both ended in tears strained with heartache and goodbye. The last time being more permanent. As the last time was the day you died, the day I survived.

Infinity, feelings of being limitless, overcame me Halloween 2009. The date of Liz and Victor's wedding, for that weekend I felt on top of the world. I felt like I could conquer anything. I could with you by my side.

When you died three holidays were heavily marked with the absence of you: our birthday, Christmas, and Halloween. For the past two years I refused to celebrate. In fact, I never want to celebrate these holidays again. Just one small way for me to never forget the sacrifice you made and the selfishness that overcame me in the water.

This whole notion of torturing myself has taken on a new form. I made plans for this Halloween, plans to escape to a whole new world: Santiago, Chile. I leave the 31st, a date marked with feelings of happiness and sadness, joy and sorrow, love and pain. A subconscious way for me to move on yet moving on with reluctance as the excitement of going to Chile is plagued with the haunting memory of you.

Maybe I'll find you and my infinity self in Santiago...

No fears and limitless, MHF

Memories

Michael, the day you died marked the day I lost everything. March 12, 2010 marks the day of my new life. A life that left me lost, a life that left me knowing nothing not even myself, a life that hid all my memories except one: you're body lying hard as a rock on the beach. 

I don't want to remember because then everything will seem too real. I'm afraid of my tears, afraid of what I will discover, afraid to actually live the promise I made to you. 

Forgetting isn't easy. It's something that I didn't want to happen but it's my defense. My defense mechanism to keep all my memories locked away. For if they stay locked away then you'll be locked away in my heart and mind. That way, you'll always be mine and I'll always be yours. 

But my unknown decision came with a price. A price that hurts me more and more everyday. For, Michael, I can't feel you, can't feel your presence in my life, can't even feel you in my heart. 

For me, the war is over. It's decided. For now, I forget and await the day that I start remembering.

......

No fears and limitless, MHF

Night

Michael, do you remember when we were both afraid of the dark? After we turned off the lights in the kitchen, we would both run upstairs, sometimes tripping each other, as to try and escape any witch, robber, or ax murderer that could be downstairs. Silly and juvenile but up until your death, I still did it. For me, the dark represented my fears and my fears represented my vulnerabilities and my vulnerabilities represented the unknown.

As you know, my biggest fear came true. The dark no longer intimidates me. In fact, I crave darkness. That's partially the reason why I didn't sleep for the first year after you died. I knew that if you were to come to me, it would be at the darkest hour of night, for nighttime makes everything more real...

No fears and limitless, MHF