The Ocean

When I arrived it started to pour, just like the day you died. Ironic, isn't it?! For those two hours, I watched the rough waves, knowing they were filled with rip tides. Beckoning me, I walked in the sand and dipped my toes in the salty water. That was it. I did not feel anything. The rain washed away my emotions, leaving me numb. Drenched and feeling nowhere near closer to you, Michael, the ocean defeated me once again. I left shivering, cold, and empty- just like three years ago.

I was not going to go back. I felt that going back would just be torture. I felt that the rain was telling me something. It was a warning sign, a sign saying that it was too soon. But then I remembered looking up at the sky before I left. I saw the sun peaking through the clouds. I caught a glimpse of a rainbow forming and I knew. I knew that that sign was bigger than the rain. I knew that I had to see the ocean one more time.

I went back alone. Running up to the ocean, I did not know what to expect. This time I did not dip my feet in the ocean nor did I walk on the beach. This time I stayed away, put some distance between us. This time tears came. I let them drown my face. Unafraid of how I looked and who would see me, I beckoned you while staring out at the vast ocean.

Before you died, my tears were saved for my pillow. For me, tears represented weakness which represented vulnerability. Before you died, I would hold onto my tears until my throat burned and eyelids turned red. Before you died, I was closed off.

After you died, I discovered that tears represent strength. After you died, I became unafraid and untamed. After you died and when my tears come, I just let them flow until my throat burns and eyelids turn red.

After you died, I am still closed off. After you died, I am open to the idea of opening up. After you died, I became vulnerable. 

No fears and limitless, MHF