Time

Time is a phenomenon that intrigues, interests, and scares me.

Who can up with the idea of time? Why were they so inclined to define life in terms of seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, and years? 

Time is relative and unknown. It is merely a convention of conversation and thought, a way to explain days and nights, a way to settle the human instinct of needing to know everything. It is a way for us to control...for life is defined by time. 

I didn't realize how intertwined time and life were until the hours of your death, Michael. In fact, those last few hours with you seemed like seconds yet when I was in the hospital waiting to hear the news about you, it seemed like years. For in those moments, time stopped. 

Around 5pm

Around 6:15pm, there were no sirens.

Around 6:25pm, they didn't let me into the ambulance.

Around 5:30pm, we shouldn't have gone to the beach.

Around 7:20pm, I should have asked them more. Told, insisted, pushed them to do more.

Around 6:10pm, I should have been the one to do CPR.

Around 5:40pm, we shouldn't have dipped our feet in the ocean.

Around 5:42pm, I should have yelled “swim parallel to shore” instead of “help.”

Around 6:35pm, I should have insisted that I stay by dad's side.

Around 7:12pm, I shouldn't have apologized for screaming.

Around 5:00pm, it shouldn't have stopped raining.

Around 8:00pm, they never asked about me and they knew, they knew, I was in the grips of the rip tide with you.

Around 5:50pm, I should have swum toward you.

Around 6:00pm, desperately willing to sacrifice my life for you, I stopped struggling… only to wash ashore.

Around 7:10pm, I should have been there when they told dad.

Around 6:35pm, they left me wet, shivering, in the waiting room alone while they pumped water out and air in.

Around 6:25pm, I should have forced myself into the ambulance.

Around 7:11pm, seconds after hearing I was twinless, they told me you could have lived as “a vegetable in a coma.” 

Around 6:10pm, I shouldn't have pleaded with God, my breath merely wasted.

Around 6:05pm, I should have been right by your side holding your hand, never letting go.

At 7:09pm, I should have died instead of you.

......

No fears and limitless, MHF